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Cinco de America

Imagine in Germany, every year on President’s Day, Germans celebrating American’s forefather’s birthday. Not only are they celebrating their birthdays but the birth of our country, our heritage, our freedom. 

Imagine these Germans drinking olde Ale and hazy IPAs out of giant Statue of Liberty shaped glasses, decked out in red, white and blue flair rocking white curly hair wigs speaking in 19th century Old English wearing “Ben Franklin specs”.

Stephan says to Dieter in his best Lincoln impression “Four score and seven years ago” and raises his Statue of Liberty in the air while 80s hair bands blast out of the speakers of the huge outside Biergarten as his white wig shifts slightly revealing sweaty dark black hair beneath. Germans around raise their Statue of Liberties and cheers to American Freedom as they bump their hands and heads to Steven Perry’s Oh Sherrie wearing smiles from ear to ear.  One of the wigs falls off an endearing patron. 

Suddenly a small cheer is heard from across the Biergarten which gets louder in waves until it takes over the entire bar challenging Steven Perry. 

From across the way, 2 girls make their way out from the giant erected stage that was built in the Biergarten specifically for this epic annual drinking holiday beer weekend - It took 2 weeks to build with a team of 50. One is wearing nothing but 2 stars covering her nipples. The other is painted head to toe in what looks like a combination of confusing American culture - American flag, Woodstock logo, The Beatles, Hulk Hogan, Back to the Future, Abraham Lincoln, Alexander Hamilton, Apple logo, electric guitars. There is even some images of Pilgrims across the left breast. Stephan points to the nipple laden one and shouts “Americaaaaaaaa” as the nipple god lights 2 long needle looking sticks attached to her nipple clothing which suddenly spark in the air. She begins to dance around like a gypsy as the painted women stands with her hand on her heart as the Star Spangled Banner blasts out of the speakers.  Dieter and the rest of the thousands of patrons begin to sing in terrible heavily accented English. Some throw their wigs in the air like they just don’t care. 

“What’s so proudly we hail” screams the crowd as a Harley Davidson motorcycle revs and arrives on stage behind nipple girl. She jumps on the handlebars as the muscle bound German wearing a cutoff t-shirt, sporting a fake giant beard and a skullly yells “Lucyyyyyyy” in a very bad attempt at imitating Lucille Ball’s iconic husband from I Love Lucy.

As the motorcycle man drives around the stage, nipple girl starts talking like a valley girl and giggling and playing with her hair as she lays across the handlebars. 

A loud raucous is heard and from behind the stage comes a giant robotic ape which appears to be King Kong.  The ape grabs the painted women by the Friends picture on her butt and throws her over his shoulder. The women lets out an over the top scream. 

Motorcycle man pulls out a gun that says “MADE IN AMERICA” really big and shoots at the ape. A giant firework goes off.  “KABOOOMMIEEE” yells the DJ loudly in the speaker to an audience now shooting each other with super soakers.  A giant banner comes down from the top of the stage in shiny red, white and blue letters.  Happy Birthday America, it reads as the crowd starts singing Sweet Caroline completely out of sync. 

Just a normal weekend at a popular beirgarten during the epic “America’s birthday” in Germany. 

Meanwhile in the US, Americans are off from school and work just chilling at home watching TV and taking advantage of some good President’s Day sales by shopping online on Amazon filtered by Prime only.  Just a typical weekend during President’s Day Weekend.

Now what if i were to tell you this is true. Except that Germans don’t do this, of course. Instead Americans do this. And that fine holiday is the American made up holiday of Cinco de Mayo where Americans wear sombreros and get hammered celebrating Mexican culture.  The holiday that claims Mexican independence - even though its really in September. And instead of listening to loud mariachi sipping tequila straight, out rocks European club music as they sip their Tito Mules screaming “Fuck yeaaaaa” wearing Sombreros.

Meanwhile in Mexico....

Sigh America.



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