Skip to main content

That FB Stalker Experience

** this is a story based on true events. the names, locations and conversation have been altered to hide the identity of the individual **

"OMG!!  Danny!!  How are you?", can be heard from behind me while I wait in the long ass line at Chipotle.

I turn to see a girl smiling and uberly excited to see someone -- either me or the person in front of me whose name just so happens to be Danny. How cooincidental.

"Danny Bart!!  How are you?"

Well thats not coincidence, is it?? How many other Danny Bart's are there standing in line next to each other at Chipotles....

"Heyyyy", I say. Feeling really really uncomfortable at this first exchange. Who the fuck is this person? I start to panic internally. My mind moving at lightning speeds thinking of who this person is and how does she know me.  Is it Rose's friend?  Did i goto school with this person? Does she know my Mom? Are we grammar school friends? Does she read my blog?

and without me saying much more than "hey", it starts..

"Your girls are sooooo cute!  How old is Ava now?  6?  Her first day of first grade looked awesome. Was Ellie jealous or excited for her? Seriously those 2 are the cutest little things on the planet. That outfit that you put on them for Daddy Day was epic...."

And it just kept going

"How is Rose doing? You guys are SSOOOO cute together!  Seriously!!  How was your 10th anniversary trip to the Bahamas.  We went there for our 5 year anniversary. Me and Joe had a great time."

Joe!  A clue.. i continue to listen because its clear i cant get a word in.  1) becuase i have no fucking clue who this woman is and 2) its clear she spends a lot of time on FB

Meanhwile in the background, the Chipotle line is moving. Those Chipotle Baristas are like fucking magicians with their super fast quick hands and maneuvering. My mind was on my rice bowl but now its being pre-occupied by Miss FB Bart Stalker. 

"How was your 40th bday!  Your wife is amazing!!  I cant believe she did all that. Thats pretty amazing Dan"

Dear God, please tell me who this person is. Nothing.

"I see you still talk to {insert name}.  I saw you posted on his wall last year. Tell him I said Hi.  Its been so long since I have seen the old crew"

Is this real life?

"Sir can I help you" said the magical Chipole Barista

"Oh. Yes. I will have a rice bowl with white rice and black beans" 

and within seconds the magician had a bowl all ready and asked faster than I can say "chicken", What type of meat?

"Chicken" I say.

"Chicken, Dan?  Dont you usually get pork. What about the kids?  No quesadilla for your daughters?", comes from the stranger/stalker behind me.

WTF. My mind is trying to process the beginning of life. Everything is happening so fast. Chipotle master is now asking me about sauces and guac and cheese all in lighthing speed as the stranger is segwaying asking me if Rose and I are going back to Boston for another anniversary. Do I really post all this shit on FB?  What the fuck is going on??

Sweat begins to bead on my back. I quickly give my order knowing its wrong. I need to get out of here. The stranger/stalker is now asking me about my Mom and the one time I blogged about her joining Facebook and how interactive my Mom is on FB and how she likes her job at the bakery. I quickly pay and nod to the stranger and thank the Chipotle magician team. 

I say to the stranger, "It was sooo great to see you. Reach out to me on Facebook. We so have to catch up. But I gotta go, I have to .."

And she interupts me and says "go to dinner tonight with Rose. Yeah she posted that a little while ago"

I run out the door and do not look back.  To this day, i dont know who the fuck that person was but apparently knows every detail of my world. 

Facebook people you suck at life. 


Popular posts from this blog

My Justin Timberlake Experience .. and my shameful beer snob status

I have seen some great legends live in concert over the years.  Paul McCartney, Billy Joel, One Direction - to name a few.  But one in particular - Mr Justin Timberlake aka Justin Bart or JB as he goes by - was one for the ages. 

I got to enjoy this spectacular human with my beard wife Rose last night at the Prudential Center, in the city of dreams, Newark NJ.

The Christmas Glitter Bomb

Its that time of year again.  A time when people and family members that you haven't talked to, well, since last Christmas, reach out with open arms and send you their annual Christmas card.  We took part this year as we now have a newborn.  We both felt obliged to show off our little one to everyone on our wedding list and beyond.  It felt nice.  It's more of a hey-look-how-cute-our-kid-is behind a Merry Christmas message.  Regardless, our card was a simple photo that did NOT have a surprise waiting as you opened up the envelope. A surprise that jumps out at you and says "SURPRISEEEEEE!!!oh and merry christmas"  I'm talking about the glitter bomb.  You all know who you are.  

The Perineal Massage..

My wife is approaching her 37th week of pregnancy.  Apparently, in your 37th week you are supposed to begin massaging your perineum.  "What's a perineum", you asked as so did i?  The perineum is basically the taint.  "Ahhhh.. ok.  I get it.  But massage it??", is what i asked.  Yes, massaging it helps with the pain when the baby crowns during childbirth.  "So just rub it or sumthin?" (in Chip Chipperson voice .. Opie and Anthony fans anyone??)  Not quite.. 
Here are the instructions on how to successfully massage your perineum: