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WTF is the Easter Bunny anyways??

As the story goes, Jesus was crucified on a Friday that we now call Good Friday.  Should be renamed "Terrible Friday", but hey what do I know.  Then, 2 days later, Jesus rose from the grave like Beatrix Kiddo aka "The Bride" from Kill Bill.  I'm not comparing The Bride to Jesus, but she's pretty dam close.  This celebratory day is known as Easter, not Good Sunday?  Weird. 

2018 years later, we now hide plastic colored eggs filled with candy and color hard boiled chicken eggs.  Yes.  Chicken eggs.  Then a giant bunny, straight up from Donnie Darko, comes to your home to hide the eggs, haunt your dreams and deliver baskets filled with chocolates.   Weirder.  WTF is going on??

Where did this Easter Bunny phenomenon even come from?

I have scoured the Google Gods and have come up with an excellent explanation... 

Bunnies are very fertile and screw like bunnies.  Fertility is a symbolism of life.


Where do the Eggs come from?  Is this to confuse every kid who celebrates Easter that bunnies lay eggs.  I too had to google it. 

Apparently -- because all this shit dates back to like 600 years ago when life was all about sex, kids and swinging swords -- eggs were an easy meal to eat after breaking the fast.  Fast, as in Lent, ya know, that time that everybody gives up eating fried foods and drinking beer instead of not eating at all like poor Jesus 2018 years ago. 

Of course I already wrote a Lent block some years back...

There were no plastic bags or those annoying plastic egg cartons from ShopRite (fucking hate those things) like we have today.  Instead they carried the eggs in baskets.  Hence, why we put eggs in baskets today.  Because we just can't let 800 yr old traditions to rest.  However, we can when it comes to the basket's contents!  Somehow in the 70s, thanks to good ol M&M, Mars and Nestle, our baskets are now filled with giant molds of chocolate bunnies and eggs.  Is a chocolate Jesus asking too much?? I mean really!

So why do we color the eggs? 

Ahh.  Like candy canes, we love the color red to represent blood.  Yes blood.  But not like any blood,  Jesus's blood.  True blood style.  When I drink my wine I call it Jesus blood. Just saying.  Anyways, they would color the Easter eggs red to represent the blood of our fellow lovable God Jesus.  When Jesus died for our sins, I am sure his ultimate goal was to have us remember him by red colored Easter eggs, candy canes and red wine, and maybe Blade 2. 

Now the wonderful missing connection -- why does a giant devil Easter Bunny come in our house while we are sleeping, haunting our dreams, hiding easter eggs and leaving baskets for our kids to eat candy for breakfast??   I have no fucking idea.  Only Jesus would know. 

So the next time you goto the mall to take your kids to sit on a demon masked Easter Bunny's lap, peel back colored easter eggs leaving red dye all over your hands, watch your kids in horror eat egg shaped reese's peanut butter cups for breakfast and watch your relatives make fools of themselves drinking bottles and bottles of Jesus blood during Easter dinner as laughing turns to yelling and then crying, you can thank Jesus for dying for our sins. 

Happy Easter!!  


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