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Showing posts from 2018

Merry Christmas - A Christmas Story and its prejudice against the elderly

My favorite Christmas song of all time goes to Nat King Cole's "A Christmas Song". The music and that voice. 

The song makes me wish I was sitting by a warm fire, bourbon barrel aged stout in hand, preferably 6 months with maple syrup and chocolate, shawl collar cardigan in dark sable heather wrapped tightly over a merino wool salmon sweater finished with grey weekday warrior Bonobos pants, candy cane socks and a pair of brogue brown shoes while toasting to my beautiful sidekick Rose talking about memories past and future endeavors as our children sleep so perfect in bed.

The dimly lit room is masked by moving shadows as the burning fire leads this puppet show all over the walls. The paper snowflakes hanging above the mantle shimmer with fear from the wind of the fire as the embers get sucked up from above the chimney. And then it starts..

"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire" fills the room. That liquid, soothing voice, incandescent if you will, setting a magic sp…

Santa Baby #MenToo

About a month or so ago, I was going to write a blog on Baby Its Cold Outside and how im suprised that the #MeToo movement did not yet ban that song from existence. But then something magical happened and it wasn't our Elf on the Shelf, George, with the I'm-gonna-slash-your-throat-in-your-sleep grin magically appearing in new locations and sending messages to Santa Claus. Nor was it our Alexa listenening in on our every thought and sending it back to the Amazon Gods. No. No. A report came in that a radio stationed banned the song because it was an "ode to rape".  Rape. Thats harsh. Although the song does play like a Bill Cosby himself episode, it does have a nice melody and tune. I mean doesn't that count for something anymore?!  I mean who listens to lyrics anways, right Kanye West ?



So now that the Baby Its Cold banning begins, I wanted to flip the script on another ever-so-loving classic: Santa Baby -- A true example of how men are expected to buy women expensi…

That FB Stalker Experience

** this is a story based on true events. the names, locations and conversation have been altered to hide the identity of the individual **
"OMG!!  Danny!!  How are you?", can be heard from behind me while I wait in the long ass line at Chipotle.
I turn to see a girl smiling and uberly excited to see someone -- either me or the person in front of me whose name just so happens to be Danny. How cooincidental.
"Danny Bart!!  How are you?"
Well thats not coincidence, is it?? How many other Danny Bart's are there standing in line next to each other at Chipotles....
"Heyyyy", I say. Feeling really really uncomfortable at this first exchange. Who the fuck is this person? I start to panic internally. My mind moving at lightning speeds thinking of who this person is and how does she know me.  Is it Rose's friend?  Did i goto school with this person? Does she know my Mom? Are we grammar school friends? Does she read my blog?
and without me saying much more than &q…

May the 4th be with You -- An Ava Story

As the 6yr anniversary of my child's birthday creeps near, I cant help to think of one fascinating, mystifying, eeny, weeny, itsy, bitsy bit of information that was passed by my sometimes empty brain.  Ava, my oldest daughter, was born on May 4 --- which in the world of everything Holy is Star Wars Day aka May the 4th Be With You!




Ava's original bday was like May 16th (my Wife is totally shaking her head in disappointment because thats totally not the right date).  Ok.  May 14th. One of those.  And because she is so bad ass and wanted with all her might to meet her awesome parents, she decided it was time.  So 2 weeks early she made her entrance to this wonderful Earth making me unaware of my holy dates.

But that birth was not just any birth. Oh no siree.  There is a story -- like always -- i gotta tell (not like Biggie) on how the start of that wonderful 15 min of C-section hell for my wife came to be.

WTF is the Easter Bunny anyways??

As the story goes, Jesus was crucified on a Friday that we now call Good Friday.  Should be renamed "Terrible Friday", but hey what do I know.  Then, 2 days later, Jesus rose from the grave like Beatrix Kiddo aka "The Bride" from Kill Bill.  I'm not comparing The Bride to Jesus, but she's pretty dam close.  This celebratory day is known as Easter, not Good Sunday?  Weird. 



2018 years later, we now hide plastic colored eggs filled with candy and color hard boiled chicken eggs.  Yes.  Chicken eggs.  Then a giant bunny, straight up from Donnie Darko, comes to your home to hide the eggs, haunt your dreams and deliver baskets filled with chocolates.   Weirder.  WTF is going on??

My Justin Timberlake Experience .. and my shameful beer snob status

I have seen some great legends live in concert over the years.  Paul McCartney, Billy Joel, One Direction - to name a few.  But one in particular - Mr Justin Timberlake aka Justin Bart or JB as he goes by - was one for the ages. 

I got to enjoy this spectacular human with my beard wife Rose last night at the Prudential Center, in the city of dreams, Newark NJ.