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The Elf on the Shelf

Sometime around mid 2000s, I started to hear of something called The Elf on the Shelf.  A stuffed pixie Elf that hides in your house and haunts your dreams.  Cool.  Another gimmick probably created by 2 bearded men, wearing most likely red flannel shirts, a puffy vest jacket, ultra tight skinny jeans rolled up with a pair of black boots - probably Cole Haan - a side part and thick black framed glasses to complete the look, sitting at a bar in Brooklyn talking about how Santa never gave them what they wanted and how the Government is responsible.  During this discussion, Connor says to Brand, that Santa is over commercialized and needs to be replaced. After just recently seeing the movie Elf, Brand immediately suggested an Elf should bring presents to all kids.  Brand told Lacie who told Andrew who told Bryant who told Estella and just like that a Hipster star was born.  And these fuckers are rich and im not.. boo

My wife and I made fun of this phenomenon for many years.  We then got married and bought a house and within the first year I bought one of these elves to post silly pictures on Instagram and Facebook of our precoius Elf making love to Barbie, touching Jesus in inappropriate places and bending over for Jolly Old St Nick.  The good times.

Then we had kids.  And that XXX elf named Chazz suddenly had some sort of meaning.  At first I had no idea what to do with it. I hid him one night in hopes my 3 month old would find it.  She did not.  My wife did not.  I guess hiding it on a high shelf where nobody taller than 5 feet can see it (my wife is under 5ft..shhh dont tell her you know) was not the best idea. Even though it IS called Elf on a Shelf.   

As my daughter grew and can speak we brought good old XXX Chazz back into the picture.  My daughter gave it an appropriate name: George.  Awesome.  I particularly would have went with Skywalker but ok, George it is. Rated G for George.

Today, both of my daughters love George.  He brings them little goodies -- if they are good -- everynight while we are all sleeping.  And then surprises us in the morning of his whereabouts in our house.  The thought alone of an alien elf creature flying around in your home, bringing presents and telling Santa if you have been good and then hiding for you to find, scares the shit out of me. I have no idea how the kids are not fucking having nightmares knowing this Satan doll is watching at all times.  It just stares at you. Stares into your soul with that stupid grin.

Besides all the demon-esque qualities that George brings to our household, he does serve a purpose and he serves it well. Somehow the kids go from being little cry baby life suckers to being surpringly good.  Its all about candy cane treats and an occasional pair of socks and a note, because I, I mean George, leaves a note every night for the kids (if they were smart enough to know its my handwriting. sighh) I may break tradition and have George stay all year long.  I am thinking 5 bux a day to guarantee good behavior, no fighting, no crying, no hitting and always listening, shit thats a steal!

My only problem with this whole new Elf tradition is that its all new. This  means parents are all scrambling for answers being driven by their kids questions.  When my kid asks another parent what their elves name was when they were kids, its like the Truman Show when someone jumps on screen and shouts YOUR ON A TV SHOW TRUMAN and everyone just freezes and looks at one another in panic because they dont know what to do.   I stare at that other parents soul and mind speak to them, "Your elves name was Roger.  He was great.  He ALWAYS came each night no matter what.  He ONLY came after Thanksgiving until Christmas Eve.  Say it. Say it. SAY ITTT".  Instead they say,  "Oh we didnt have an elf".  And you can hear just the pin drops breaking the silence of every parents face staring at that stupid parent.  Immediately the kids begin asking a million questions.  Seriously parents..dont be Dicks! 

I can only imagine it took centuries to figure out the rules of Santa Claus.  Let's hope the Elf tradition does not last as long.  Who knows, in a few years we will have a pet stuffed pig named Chooly who will bring Christmas mud to our homes.  If the mud dries then you get no presents.  A drop of water from Chooly needs to go in the mud each day to keep it "wet".  You simply fill his belly with water Then squeeze it and a drop of water comes out of his pp.  If your bad, you get no drop of water -- dammm a star is born!!! And i am actually wearing a flannel and skinny jeans while typing this shit.  Shaahhhh!!!



  1. MakeAmericaGreatAgain8:55 PM

    It only took them 194 years but the "Elf" has earned his spot on top of the mountain during Christmas. Seeing the Elf take Santa's spot brings back memories of Ultimate Warrior finally beating Hogan at Wrestlemania VI.

    Hilarious article makes you want a podcast no?

  2. I like the topic and the calculated rant. We also have one in our house, against my objections. So I let my wife handle it. What I learned is that other people have it worse. They actually get an Elf per child. Nonsense.


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