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The Couples Massage

The body massage is a wonderful thing.  If you take away all the weirdness / awkardness that comes along with it: a complete stranger slowly caressing and massaging your body with essential oils digging into your inner soul with their little hands and elbows as hypnotic trans-like music quietly fills the room as you lay completely nude with only a pair of underwear and a tiny sheet separating 'you' - all while being completely alone with just you and this complete stranger with the door shut,  then its actually quite wonderful.   Isn't it??

Now let's add another layer:  my wife laying next to me in the same room. Same setting.  Getting the same thing done as me, with a complete stranger of the opposite sex.   Chillaxing jazz, that's typically played during porn scenes, fills the awkward silence in the room.  Boww chicka bow wow.  Awk-warrdd.

Margo thinks "Wow.  I wish Todd can do things like this to me. I really hate that fucker"

I have gotten quite a few couple massages with the wife over the past couple years. I actually dont understand it as the logic makes no sense.  How is another male massaging my wife somehow romantic.. let alone in front of me?  The same goes for her.  I imagine a woman massaging some of my untouched areas cannot be a turn on to my wife (lets face it Rose -- your not touching the back of my hamstrings are ya??)  Yet, somehow she still wants to continue this wonderful "romantic" tradition!

Todd thinks "This sooo beats getting yelled at by Margo every chance she gets"

Not only is it fucking awkward as hell, it also costs more money!!  Go figure!  They will tack on an additional 20 bucks or so (at least where we go) for the couple "experience".   The only experience I am getting is a suave man rubbing my wife in ways that I know I can't, making her feel all warm inside (this is all in my mind i hope).  Am I paying more because we are using the same room?  Isnt that cost effective?  They should take money off instead!

Margo thinks "Oh my. He just touched an area that Todd has never even knew existed. Why am i with that bastard?!"

The best part about all this is that you are supposed to stay quiet as well.  So let me get this straight.  I am to go in a room with my wife.  In opposite beds.  Have other people touch our bodies and steal our souls and we cant say a word to each other?  Like, I cant be like "ahhh baby, this is so great!" Apparently, that's against massage rules.  Then why the hell are we in the same room?  Who thought this was a good idea?? 

Todd thinks "Wow. This is the most a woman has touched me in 22 years."

I remember my first couples massage.  It was on a cruise ship -- one of our first vacations. We were like 22 and 21.  She wanted a couples massage. I said yes because i thought this was what you were supposed to do as a loving couple.  I immediately regretted it as a tiny 4 foot Filipino woman was literally on her hands and knees on my back like i was a table, using her tiny elbows and knees to dig into my innerchild and soul.  My fear going in was like George Costanza:  "Please dont get any movement.  Please, oh please, dont get any movement". I mean it was the first time in years since another woman had touched me.  It was an honest thought that needed to be taken care of!  And so, I can say I did not get any movement.  But I did have a sore mother fucking back and soul after that day.  Not only was I sore as fuck for the rest of the trip,  but I was also heartbroken to learn that you are not supposed to talk while engaging in this heinous act in front of your loved one.  It took me years to recuperate. 

Margo thinks "I am leaving Todd immediately.  I love Stefan my masseuse"

And who wants this job anyway!  I massage my wife for 30 seconds and I have to find a happy place because I cant get my mind out of the dirt.  Do you have to train to not get turned on by massaging others?  Like do you need to think of Trump naked or Hillary Clinton in a 3some with Bill and Monica to not get excited while caressing the naked body of another person of the opposite sex?  Blasphemy. 

Todd thinks "I am wondering if Brigitte would like to exchange phone numbers"

So for those who have never gotten a couples massage, please don't.  Its not romantic.  It costs more money. Ya can't talk and its awkward as hell. You will leave mind fucked knowing that another man/woman took great pleasure in making your significant other happy in ways you can't, all while you are in the same room laying next to each other and paying for it -- and more i may add!  Bastards!  



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