My 5 year old lost her first tooth prompting Mom and Dad to go into panic mode on how to play the "Tooth Fairy". My first thought was what would the Rock do in his terrible attempt, but somehow extremely successful attempt, at acting in which he played a buffed male Tooth Fairy. But then I looked at my terrible Dad bod and put my head down in shame. After 12 minutes of self deprecating caused depression, i snapped back and came to, putting my child to sleep with a giant stuffed tooth that hung at the end of her bed, with her tiny itsy bitsy tooth somehow lost inside. She insisted it go on the end of her bed post rather than next to her or under her pillow. We quickly realized she may be actually scared of this mythical creature known as the Tooth Fairy. I know I would be. It was then my wife cried.
At first I thought she had terrible memories of the tooth fairy, like she was touched or something by this fucking horrifying mythical creature, who apparently has all the money in the world, as well as all the teeth the world has ever seen. But no, she was crying because our little baby girl is now losing her first teeth. Awww. Ok I am over it. She is not. Let's get back to the tooth fairy.
What the fuck is a Tooth Fairy anyways? A simple google search will land hundreds of tails and legends about rodents and European fairies but what the shit is it really and why does it want to give cash for teeth. Its like the pawn shop for teeth. I'll give ya 5 bux for a molar.
But why cash? Kids don't even know what cash is. Shit. My daughter thinks I make $17 a year and that a Barbie costs $42 dollars. She clearly isn't that good at math. Or maybe shes a genius because after all my yearly spending I do make about 17 bux a year. Dammit.
What on Earth would a fairy of sorts do with teeth anyway? Is there a giant tooth recycling market in Fairy land? Is Earth like a quarry for teeth in which they use the calcium minerals in teeth to build like fortresses and castles and other fairy shit? Are there like teeth embezzlers who get black market teeth stolen from our kids here on Earth? Where is this fairy tale land? Is it high above the heavens? Where are the heavens anyways? Is this fairy a hoarder and collects teeth that are scattered across her fairy castle? Where does the money come from? Do they make it? Doesn't this have an impact on the US dollar and inflation? I have more questions than my daughters.
It's the parent's responsibility to, once again, make up mythical stories about creatures that come into the night and bring gifts aka Santa, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy. Its hard to keep a straight face when your child is sooo excited to lose her tooth because some crazy fairy will come from the fairy heavens, come into our house somehow, and swap the tooth for cash. And its our job to maintain this story until God knows how long. Its also our job to answer questions from the lucky tooth layer like "Is the tooth fairy invisible", "Do they have a key to get in the house" -- answering this question with a 'Yes' which my wife did can then spawn an additional 30 questions about the security of our house and who has access and and who else has keys -- , "Does she walk through walls?" -- how the fuck do you answer this one without, once again, scaring the shit out of the one-time excited child for losing a tooth in exchange for money in which she has no idea about monetary value, and give her now a ghost story about things walking through walls. No wonder they want nightlights on. Life is scary!
Parenting is tough. Its also exciting and fun. And so its when these situations come up that i feel we either fail miserably at or excel to the highest. Only time will tell to see how our children grow up. God Im nervous.
And for the record, we did not give our child $50 bux, $100 bux, or any other INSANE denomination of money because 1) the child is 5 and understands nothing at all about what money is 2) given the said child more money than i make a year would only make the child think she makes more than me which cant happen and 3) my child would lose this money in seconds. It would either end up in the rear end of one of her dolls or somehow be colored red, blue and purple with happy faces and poopies on it. We gave our child 5 bucks, in which i think is in her piggy bank aka crayola bank (she has the blue, ellie has the pink. They will fight over the colors for years to come). My only concern now is that she starts hitting her teeth in hopes of more money. If that's the case, then we know we got an entrepreneur on our hands. Get that money!