Skip to main content

My Dentist Experience

Ahhh.. the joys of going to the dentist. So many memories.  But this past visit was a doozy.   As I type this, half of my face is numb due to a "deep cleaning" i just had done.  I'm like the Kanye of bloggers.

So what happened?

I know some look at me and say 'dammmm!  he has the genes of an angel' when referring to my God-given beautiful looks.  But there is a hidden demon that is behind all this and its in my mouth.  Gross.  {insert pornographic homosexually fueled party line here}  I brush and floss but I have teeth and gums as a Brit that apparently need - and i stress NEED - to be cleaned every 6 months.  So given my crazy schedule of being an amazing father, husband, lover, best brother, most awesome son ever, project manager and part time blogger, I tend to fall off track hence leading to me getting a "deep cleaning".  Sounds dirrtyyy.

So what the hell is a deep cleaning?

Its basically when you miss a few regular cleanings and all that shit that sits on your teeth - Plaque -  starts to get in your gums - gross - leaving you with a mouth full of shit.  I guess i really am a shit talker!  (booo) Once it gets in your gums, it starts to fucking multiply and have babies which basically uses your gums as its food source eventually causing tooth decay as the gums recede and the bone starts to get impacted.  Fucking disgusting.  This is known as Gingivitis and then straight up tooth decay.  Sweet!

A "deep cleaning" is a simple shitty procedure in which they basically go to the gum line and really clean the shit out of there.  Its painful so they give you Novocaine -- and thats where the story begins.

My dentist visits are typically the same.  I sit down in this relaxing chair and stare at a bright strange light bulb in my face.  Then some woman comes in and puts this napkin with a metal bead and snaps it around my neck (i stole one of these when i was younger cause i like the metal bead).  The dentist then comes in and puts my teeth x-ray on a computer screen talking to me as if i understand a word he is saying.

He will then do some small talk as he preps the cleaning routine.

"How is Rose (my wife) doing?"

"Seesss Ooooingg Gattee" is usually my reply as there is a giant penis shaped suction device in my mouth swallowing up my gums instead of my spit.

With the push of his foot, my whole chair sinks closer to the floor so that he can stand over me.  (i would imagine this chair is amaaaazzzing for sex)  Then some other woman pops out of nowhere and starts to control another penis looking sucking device and places it in my mouth.

So there I am. Laying down with penile shaped objects sticking out of my mouth and 2 strangers standing over me wearing masks.  One has some funky looking fishing hook on a metal stick and the other is holding a spit sucking dildo to my mouth.  Nice.

This is how a typical regular teeth cleaning starts.  Mine was a little different.

As I sat there looking at magazines sitting in a small basket on the floor, i thought "the Kardashian's show is cancelled?" as so prominently displayed on the Star magazine cover in front of me.  Then, the dentist pops in with this giant q-tip with some pink shit on the end and tells me to open. I do.  He sticks this thing in the back of my mouth and tells me to bite down. I do. And then he just leaves.  I stare back at the Star magazine cover.

Angelina had an affair with Sylvester Stallone during her marriage to Brad Pitt?  Whaaaa

In walks the dentist with another q-tip.  He then places this one on the top part of my mouth. It hurts.  He tells me to bite down. It fucking hurts.  He leaves the room.

Justin Bieber cancelled the rest of his shows due to his conversion to Islam?

He comes back in with this giant needle that looks like it should go in my leg rather my mouth.  Where the hell is that thing going to go? Theres no room -- which is exactly what i said to my wife the first time we..

And so he takes out the q-tips and tells me to open wide. I do.  He then inserts this giant needle in the back of my mouth, in the bottom corner. I feel this pinch and then pressure. I am certain he just hit my jaw bone. I flinch. It fucking hurts.  He then does this repeatedly to the top portion of my gums. This hurts more. This goes on for at least 4 more times. He then leaves the room.  I want to punch him in the face. Hard. 

It starts to happen. My right bottom gum starts to feel like something is on it but theres nothing there.  My right nostril begins to feel like there is a few stray boogers blowing in the wind of my breathing. My right cheek starts to feel like it fell asleep and is tingly.  Ugh.

He then comes back in and tells me to rinse.  I do.  Immediately i drool all over myself. Thank god for that shitty napkin around my neck that picked up none of my leaky bloody spit.  I then attempt to rinse.  Water dribbles out of my mouth and all over me.  I then spit.  A giant long spider-web like spit attaches to my mouth and the sink that is impossible to break. Its then the handy assistant, aka dildo holder, comes in and hands me a tissue. Thanks I say as i try to detach spiderwebs of spit taking over my face.

So as my right face feels like its on the floor, i am soaking wet with my own spit.  Nice.  The denist comes back in to see if im numb.  "i tink soo" i attempt to say, realizing that my right side is numb making me sound like I have Bells Palsy. 

I sink back into my chair and immediately both the dentist and his assistant are hovering over me like I'm some kind of space creature, staring at me with protective masks over their nose and mouths so they can't be infected.  I open my mouth wide.  Too wide as my jaw will hurt hours later; i just dont know this yet.

The dentist takes his little mirror, which looks like it can also be used to look up girls dresses, and his drill, which looks like something tattoo artists use, and starts.  The drill begins making magical noises on my teeth. Its a mix between scratching records and what it would sound like if mice spoke.  DJ Mouse scratching on the Danny's ones and twos.

My face begins to get covered in spit and water. My teeth begin to scream help in DJ mouse talk.  Suddently the dentist hits a nerve. I flinch in pain.  He does it again. I flinch again and again.  This fucking sucks.  After a few minutes he asks if im ok.  Umm no.  The dildo holder continues to suck the water and spit in my mouth with no success, as I continually choke on my own spit, causing myself to do that weird open mouth swallow thing.

25 minutes later I am done.  My right face feels how I would imagine a UFC fighter feels the next day -- without the pain.  It feels like my lip YUGEEE and is dragging behind me.  I then spit out in that little sink next to me.  All blood. Awesome.  Once again the spit spider webs take over my face again. I sway my arms all over as if I just walked into a spider web trying to get the spit webs off my face.  Finally the assistant gives me another tissue.  Thanks (roll eye to left). Once again, bloody spit dribbles out of my mouth and all over my napkin bib.  This is fucking awful. 

The dentist leaves the room without a word. I am in the room with the dildo sucker who is telling me that i need to take better care of my teeth. No shit.  She tries to make small conversation with me which is annoying because i sound like I have CTE.  Finally the dentist comes back in to tell me to take care of my teeth. No shit.  And to MAKE SURE I COME BACK IN 6 MONTHS! ughhh

What did I learn from this experience?  Did Angelina really cheat on Brad with Sly? And is the Biebs really becoming a Muslim??????? 



Popular posts from this blog

My Justin Timberlake Experience .. and my shameful beer snob status

I have seen some great legends live in concert over the years.  Paul McCartney, Billy Joel, One Direction - to name a few.  But one in particular - Mr Justin Timberlake aka Justin Bart or JB as he goes by - was one for the ages. 

I got to enjoy this spectacular human with my beard wife Rose last night at the Prudential Center, in the city of dreams, Newark NJ.

The Christmas Glitter Bomb

Its that time of year again.  A time when people and family members that you haven't talked to, well, since last Christmas, reach out with open arms and send you their annual Christmas card.  We took part this year as we now have a newborn.  We both felt obliged to show off our little one to everyone on our wedding list and beyond.  It felt nice.  It's more of a hey-look-how-cute-our-kid-is behind a Merry Christmas message.  Regardless, our card was a simple photo that did NOT have a surprise waiting as you opened up the envelope. A surprise that jumps out at you and says "SURPRISEEEEEE!!!oh and merry christmas"  I'm talking about the glitter bomb.  You all know who you are.  

The Perineal Massage..

My wife is approaching her 37th week of pregnancy.  Apparently, in your 37th week you are supposed to begin massaging your perineum.  "What's a perineum", you asked as so did i?  The perineum is basically the taint.  "Ahhhh.. ok.  I get it.  But massage it??", is what i asked.  Yes, massaging it helps with the pain when the baby crowns during childbirth.  "So just rub it or sumthin?" (in Chip Chipperson voice .. Opie and Anthony fans anyone??)  Not quite.. 
Here are the instructions on how to successfully massage your perineum: