Wednesday, June 21, 2017

65 Facts About the Legend Al Bart

Today is Solstice.  Its the longest day of the year.  Its also the day that the Universe decided to create the Legend Al Bart to bring uniform and structure to its elaborate and complicated framework known as life.  Papa Universe and Al Bart created God and the rest is history. 

In honor of his, allegedly, "65th" birthday (There is no number that exists to give a true age of Al Bart), these are 65 so-called true accounts of this Legendary creature known to many as Al Bart, but Father to me. 
  1. And on the first day Al Bart created God
  2. Al Bart can make fire by rubbing ice cubes together
  3. Al Bart does not sleep. He waits
  4. One time Al Bart built a snowman. Today this is known as Antarctica.
  5. Al Bart counted to infinity - twice
  6. Al Bart is the reason why Waldo is hiding
  7. Al Bart and Superman had a fight as a bet. The loser would have to wear his underwear outside his pants.
  8. Al Bart does not get frostbite. He bites frost.  
  9. Al Bart's shadow is scared of him
  10. When Al Bart jumps in a pool, he doesn't get wet.
  11. Al bart once kicked a horse in its chin. It's descendants are known today as giraffes
  12. Al Bart has a bear rug in his bedroom.....the bear's not dead...it's just afraid to move
  13. And on the first day Al Bart created God
  14. Bigfoot takes pictures of Al Bart when he sees him
  15. Al Bart used to walk 750 miles to school.. the school was only 10 miles away he walked the other 740 just for fun
  16. George Clooney once stated in an interview that Al Bart was his inspiration on looking good
  17. Al Bart is color blind. He only sees Awesome.
  18. I heard if you goggle find al bart that it says you don't find al bart he finds you
  19. One time Al Bart had dandruff, the result was the blizzard of 96
  20. Kids piss their name in the snow. Al Bart can piss him name in concrete
  21. Al Bart can make a snowman out of rain
  22. Al Bart once built 2 sandcastles. Today these are known as the Great Pyramids and Great Sphinx of Giza.
  23. Movie Trivia: James Cameron based the Terminator on Al Bart
  24. Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon. Al Bart was the first man to walk on the sun.
  25. When people see shooting comets, they are really seeing Al Bart run laps round the Earth
  26. Michelangelo modeled his famous structure David after Al Bart
  27. Al Bart can walk on water and swim on land
  28. My vasectomy did not work for me because i am Al Bart's son
  29. Bulletproof vests are not made of Kevlar. But really made out of Al Bart's skin.
  30. Al Bart doesn't flush the toilet. He scares the shit out of it.
  31. Al Bart's ancestors walked to America from Poland.
  32. Al Bart can beat up his own shadow
  33. Millions of years ago when the Earth was 1 continent, Al Bart tripped clumsily over a dinosaur he had just slaughtered. This resulted in a massive shockwave which caused the land to split and form our continents.
  34. Al Bart can cut a knife with butter
  35. Al Bart doesn't do push-ups. Instead he pushes the Earth down beneath him.
  36. Al Bart wears sunglasses to avoid hurting the sun.
  37. Mosquitoes get Malaria when they bite Al Bart
  38. Al Bart has already traveled to Mars many many years ago. This is the reason there are no signs of life.
  39. Al Bart doesn't need to read books. He stares them down until gets the information he wants.
  40. Al Bart's brain waves are suspected to be harmful to cell phones
  41. One time Al Bart went for a run in Ireland. 17,435 miles later Al Bart was thirsty and hungry causing the Great Famine of 1845
  42. Moses didn't part the Red Sea. That is impossible. The truth is the Sea parted itself in fear when Al Bart tried to walk across it.
  43. The Hudson River was formed after Al Bart went on a beer bender that lasted 6 weeks causing him to have to pee really really really bad.
  44. Al Bart once threw a football 35 years ago. It still hasn't landed.
  45. Al Bart needs 176,876,431,996,675 batteries to run for 20 min.
  46. Al Bart will never have a heart attack as is heart is not foolish enough to EVER attack Al Bart.
  47. Al Bart was strolling through a desert one day when he was bitten by a snake. After 3 days of pain and suffering, the snake finally died.
  48. Al Bart doesn't wear a watch to tell time. Instead time watches him.
  49. Al Bart once slept for 5,337 days. When asked why he simply said "I was tired"
  50. The iron that makes Al Bart triggers the metal detectors at the airport. Hence why he never flies.
  51. When Al Bart works out he does not get stronger, the machine does.
  52. Stars are actually rocks that Al Bart threw into space when building Earth.
  53. The Big Bang Theory is actually a reference to when Al Bart was born.
  54. Only 1 being has tried the drug "Al Bart" and that was Superman.
  55. Al Bart is sooo cool that birds fly South when near him.
  56. Al Bart's blood has the cure for every disease. The problem is his skin is made of steel so it cannot be penetrated.
  57. Al Bart's diet consists of nothing but lions, tigers and bears in which he hunts and kills with his bare hands - oh my.
  58. Chuck Norris lost only 1 fight in his life and that was to Al Bart, whom was blindfolded at the time for fun.
  59. One time Al Bart sneezed while travelling the tall rigid mountains that made up the west. The sneeze was so strong it levelled the mountains causing today what we know as the "Great Plains"
  60. The real truth behind the legendary story -- and movie -- 300 is that Al Bart was a 1 man army who destroyed the 300 Spartans with 1 hand
  61. When Al Bart gets hungry his stomach rumbles. This is known as thunder.
  62. Al Bart doesn't breathe air.  He holds air hostage.
  63. Al Bart LOVES honey. So much that he just eats the bees whole. As a result, bees are now endangered.
  64. The only way to find out Al Bart's true age is to cut him open and count the rings.  However, his skin will break apart any blade attempting this. 
  65. Al Bart knows Victoria's Secret.   

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