Sunday, March 12, 2017

No Alexa!

You are sitting with your significant other watching TV.  The kids are asleep and this is your alone time with the spouse to rebuild that loving relationship you once had by doing something that every couple should do: watch TV.  So there you are watching your favorite TV show; whether it be Homeland, The Bachelor, or This is Us, and then it happens.  Just as This is Us drops another tear jerking moment making it the most depressing show in the history of television, you hear a voice telling you that there is no special order placed for Avocadoes in your shopping cart.  Startled, and wiping tears, you look at your significant other and immediately move both sets of eyes to the table to the far right of the room where Amazon Echo Dot sits quietly.  You shout "NO ALEXA", sigh and then rewind a few seconds back in your show to what you missed.  10 minutes later it happens again. This time during a silence break in the show due to another tear wrenching moment that happens to the worst family in TV.  "I'm sorry.  I do not understand your question."  After realizing that ghosts did not suddenly take over your soul and pushing your throbbing heart back down your throat, you once again scream "NO ALEXA" from across the room.  Alexa lights up a beautiful pulsing blue hue indicating she understands and then silences -- just like most females. 

Alexa is the voice behind Amazon's Echo -- that wonderful little device that is supposed to change your life by playing your favorite songs by simply saying "Alexa?  Play Justin Bieber's Let Me Love You".  Life changing indeed {sarcasm face looking to the right}  Who would have thought that in 2017 we would have technology that can actually play a song or tell us the weather by simply asking it.  Wow.  {sarcasm face to the left}  But what Amazon does not realize is that there little darling Alexis is a stupid Bitch who understands nothing at all.   Tell her to play something and chances are she will play something completely different forcing you to scream obscenities, only to have her then try to add that to your Amazon cart.  Sigh.  Its becoming more evident that Alexa is here to spy on us and/or scare the living shit out of us.  Maybe both. But dam can she tell me the weather in 2 seconds flat!

Here is a fun story of how Alexa's spying and terrible listening skills can get a family in BIG trouble:

One day John wanted to work from home to get his upcoming presentation completed. He was under the gun and had a huge amount of pressure on his shoulders to get this done.  The house was completely empty; just him and his computer -- and Alexa.  Kids were at school.  Wife was at work.  Perfect.  He wanted to hear some light jazz to relax him while he worked on his presentation.  He began to talk out loud, practicing some of his key messages he wanted to deliver.  Suddenly, Alexa jumps to life and says "I can add that to your shopping cart if you like.  Want me to add it?"  Scared and confused by the sudden woman interruption, John screams "What the?"  Alexa then responds "Your item Utimi 10 Speed Silicone USB Charging Vibrating Butt Anal Plug Prostate Vibrator has been successfully added to your cart."  John's eyes widen.  "WHAT???" , he screams.  Forgetting about his speech and the fact that he is on his work computer which has a pretty heavy firewall and security on specific website viewing -- specifically sex items,  John quickly logs into his Amazon account.  He sees the Utimi 10 Speed Silicone USB Charging Vibrating Butt Anal Plug Prostate Vibrator  in his shopping cart with Free Prime 2 day delivery.  Its black by the way.  He quickly removes it from his shopping cart, but in doing so clicks the open button. This then changes his screen to a completely white screen with a message from his company's security team stating in big red letters:  "This is RESTRICTED from viewing on company devices.  This has been reported to your management."  John freaks and starts to make phone calls to anyone he can at his work.  Why did I work home today, he thinks to himself.  Fucking Alexa!!!

Meanwhile, Jackie, John's wife, gets a message on her phone that an item has been added to her Amazon account.  There, on the screen, is a picture of a giant black 10 speed silicone USB charging vibrating butt anal plug prostate vibrator.  The problem is,  she is using new technology to mirror her phone on a large conference that she was presenting at.  She had a couple fun pictures to show to the team from a big event that her company sponsored last month.  Just as she was going to her pictures, a giant black 10 speed silicone USB charging vibrating butt anal plug prostate vibrator pops up on her screen indicating that this special item has been added to her Amazon account shopping cart.   She freaks, tries to get it to go away but instead makes it bigger.  Gasps are heard on the phone and in the room.  A very red, embarrassed Jackie is now utterly responsible for losing potentially a large client that she was presenting to.  Within hours, she is fired from her company.

John, on the other hand, is arguing with HR about the Alexa gaffe.  He persists it was not his fault but HR is not buying it.  They are using him as an example to others that they don't tolerate any type of pornography viewing on the work computers.  He is also fired from the company that he helped build. 

With his head down, Jackie bolts through the door screaming "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!  A BLACK DILDO!!!  REALLY JOHN??  HAVEN'T WE'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS!"   John is beat red and embarrassed of his sketchy past of occasionally tinkering with such special devices.  This was way before children and was always a sore subject with his wife.   "I swear. It was Alexa.  I am done with that stuff.  You know that!" in which his wife says "WHO THE FUCK IS ALEXA!!  GET OUT NOW!!" 

And as John is opening the door to leave, a voice comes to life from across the room "Would you like to call you a Taxi?"  NO ALEXA!!!!

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