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Nate the Stomach Bug

On January 5, 2 days after Ava -- our 4 year old -- went back to school after being off for 2 weeks for the holidays, she met a young boy named Nate.

Nate was funky looking, like think the Fly  --- but at the end when he's all fucked up looking. Shit still gives me nightmares.  ---  meets that science project you had when you were in high school to look at cheek swabs in a microscope.  That bad.  But Ava does not judge.  Besides, we did not raise her that way. She's a Bart for Christ's sake.

Now some would call Nate a "virus" but we don't label in the Bart household because that's just not right.  So instead we call Nate a young boy from a broken home.

Sometime over the holidays, Nate befriended a young boy at her school and then quickly made friends with his sister.  We will call this young boy "Patient 0" and the sister "The Carrier".  The Carrier came to school but Patient 0 stayed home as he was so sad of seeing Nate leave that he had to throw up repeatedly and even shit himself because he was just that sad.  The Carrier, unbeknownst to her or others, took Nate with her to school where he quickly befriended many people including my precious Ava.  When The Carrier realized that Nate had came and gone, she too had to throw up all over herself and others because she was just sooo upset he had to leave.  Nate is a motha fucking balla for sure. 

And so 2 days ago, our beautiful Princess brought home a boy that we would never approve of.  The day has come and there she is standing at the doorway with Nate.  Something I never thought would happen in our household.  Nate was so happy to be a part of this family that he quickly dumped Ava (as expected) like he did with Patient 0 and The Carrier and has moved on in hopes to befriend others in our household.  Ava was soooo upset that Nate dumped her that she too is now throwing up repeatedly and shitting herself.  But now Nate is nowhere to be found.  He is like a lost puppy to my daughter but a scary nightmare lurking and trying to steal our dreams to my wife and I.  Ellie, my 3 year old, does not realize what the hell is going and just wants to eat anything and everything in site.

We had heard stories of others like Nate who would come into people's houses during the holidays and steal their hopes and dreams of enjoying the wonderful break with loved ones. We felt bad for so many impacted and thought nah not us.  But the time has come. Nate is here and is missing somewhere in my home.

So as Nate is MIA and Ava is showing signs of improvement, the wait happens.  Who will Nate befriend first?  Will it be my precious, always starving Ellie?  Or will it be my wife who succumbs to boys labeled "viruses" all too often.  OR.. will it be me who usually beats all odds and puts up a wonderful fight that would make Rousey fans proud?  We shall see.

In the meantime, here is what is going down..   Anything that goes in my mouth (oh stop it you potty minded individuals) I think " Will I be violently singing to the porcelain Gods later" or "Will I be sitting on the throne making waterfall sounds?",  or both at the same time, like a mustached-robe-wearing swinger? Anytime my wife has to use the little girls room, I listen for violent screams and prayers.  So far nothing.  Anytime my innocent and always hungry Ellie asks for more food, I think "Oh great.  She is just going to be throwing up all this food all over her bed, room, rug, bathroom and us, all night long".  And so we sit here and wait for Nate like we are waiting for a nuclear bomb to go off and have nowhere to run to.  Just sitting here and waiting as the sounds of nonstop washer and dryers play in the background and the house smells of chemically flower enhanced Lysol with a slight tinge of Rose's famous chicken soup.  And yet we wait.  The plus is its snowing but this also means we are all trapped in this house for Nate to come and kill us all.   And yet we wait.. God help us...


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