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Showing posts from 2017

The Elf on the Shelf

Sometime around mid 2000s, I started to hear of something called The Elf on the Shelf.  A stuffed pixie Elf that hides in your house and haunts your dreams.  Cool.  Another gimmick probably created by 2 bearded men, wearing most likely red flannel shirts, a puffy vest jacket, ultra tight skinny jeans rolled up with a pair of black boots - probably Cole Haan - a side part and thick black framed glasses to complete the look, sitting at a bar in Brooklyn talking about how Santa never gave them what they wanted and how the Government is responsible.  During this discussion, Connor says to Brand, that Santa is over commercialized and needs to be replaced. After just recently seeing the movie Elf, Brand immediately suggested an Elf should bring presents to all kids.  Brand told Lacie who told Andrew who told Bryant who told Estella and just like that a Hipster star was born.  And these fuckers are rich and im not.. boo



The Couples Massage

The body massage is a wonderful thing.  If you take away all the weirdness / awkardness that comes along with it: a complete stranger slowly caressing and massaging your body with essential oils digging into your inner soul with their little hands and elbows as hypnotic trans-like music quietly fills the room as you lay completely nude with only a pair of underwear and a tiny sheet separating 'you' - all while being completely alone with just you and this complete stranger with the door shut,  then its actually quite wonderful.   Isn't it??

Now let's add another layer:  my wife laying next to me in the same room. Same setting.  Getting the same thing done as me, with a complete stranger of the opposite sex.   Chillaxing jazz, that's typically played during porn scenes, fills the awkward silence in the room.  Boww chicka bow wow.  Awk-warrdd.



I have gotten quite a few couple massages with the wife over the past couple years. I actually dont understand it as the logic …

My Pillow Confession to My Wife

Earlier this year, my wife bought a My Pillow as seen on TV.  There was a deal for 2 for 50. So she bought 6.  Go figure.  Apparently it was a really good deal and a really good pillow. 



If you have seen the commercials, which I am sure you have, you would be told that this is the greatest pillow ever made. The stuffing is revolutionary. The thickness is life changing.  The feel is shattering.  All from a man who looks like he is battling Tom Sellek for greatest mustache award.

So I tried the pillow earlier this year. It felt like my head was hitting the ceiling. It was way too big and thick for my liking. I woke up the next morning with a neck ache.  I threw that shit to pillow hell and went back to my old beat up feathery goddess of a pillow. 

Times have changed.. 

Recently, my wonderful pillow goddess has been somewhat overused and abused. Feathers were beginning to poke me at night and the re-fluffing just wasn't working anymore forcing her to almost lay as flat as my bed. Boo. I …

Total Eclipse of the Mind

It starts with a slight shade in the sky.  The animals will start to make their way into nocturnal journey thinking that dusk is coming.   Humans will have most likely found a spot they've staked out and put on their paper dark glasses to stare at the sky.  Birds will stop chirping.  Cows will stop mooing.  Bats and owls will awake.  Phones will be streaming tons of live vids to social media.  

As the moon appears to swallow the sun, humans will be smiling, staring, with little knowledge of what is happening behind it all.  Just as the moon completely covers the sun, it happens.  Unbeknownst to the 50's style 3d-glass wearers, tiny microbes in the lenses are activated by the one-time only ultra radiation being delivered from the sky's phenomenon, causing brain patterns of the lucky wearers to go astray. 

WTF is the tooth fairy anways??

My 5 year old lost her first tooth prompting Mom and Dad to go into panic mode on how to play the "Tooth Fairy".   My first thought was what would the Rock do in his terrible attempt, but somehow extremely successful attempt, at acting in which he played a buffed male Tooth Fairy.  But then I looked at my terrible Dad bod and put my head down in shame.  After 12 minutes of self deprecating caused depression, i snapped back and came to, putting my child to sleep with a giant stuffed tooth that hung at the end of her bed, with her tiny itsy bitsy tooth somehow lost inside.  She insisted it go on the end of her bed post rather than next to her or under her pillow.  We quickly realized she may be actually scared of this mythical creature known as the Tooth Fairy.  I know I would be.  It was then my wife cried.


The Beach - a short story from a father of 2

It starts with an idea: "Hey we should do the beach tomorrow?".  And then ends with "I am never going to the beach again"

When i was in my early 20s, we would get up early af and head on down to the beach with every intention of beating traffic. I would bring a towel to lay on and maybe some sunblock.  That was it. We would stay as long as we wanted to and leave whenever. Simple. 

Today things have changed.  I am now a father of 2 girls - ages 3 and 5 - and oh my has this process changed.  Here is my perspective of beach life now as the world's greatest Dad. 

It starts with my kids jumping on us at 6:30am.  From 6:30-7:30, we will fight with the kids to put their bathing suits on as they are running around the house like they just downed a bottle of crazy juice.  Shouts will fill the air and finally the children will get their suits on.  During this process, one of the kids will hit the other and then crying will ensue.  This is the time I usually go in the show…

My Dentist Experience

Ahhh.. the joys of going to the dentist. So many memories.  But this past visit was a doozy.   As I type this, half of my face is numb due to a "deep cleaning" i just had done.  I'm like the Kanye of bloggers.

So what happened?

I know some look at me and say 'dammmm!  he has the genes of an angel' when referring to my God-given beautiful looks.  But there is a hidden demon that is behind all this and its in my mouth.  Gross.  {insert pornographic homosexually fueled party line here}  I brush and floss but I have teeth and gums as a Brit that apparently need - and i stress NEED - to be cleaned every 6 months.  So given my crazy schedule of being an amazing father, husband, lover, best brother, most awesome son ever, project manager and part time blogger, I tend to fall off track hence leading to me getting a "deep cleaning".  Sounds dirrtyyy.

So what the hell is a deep cleaning?

PLEASE DO NOT REPLY ALL!!

It started with an innocent invite from another group to showcase future business models within the company.  The problem was it was sent to potentially every IT employee in the company which equates to about 5,000.  An innocent mistake?  Who knows.  Maybe the intent is that everyone from IT should be aware of whats to come as it may have an impact on your job. 

For me, i simply saw the invite, read it through and thought this is definitely not something intended for me and ignored it.  The hashtag framed invite sad lonely in my MS Outlook calendar next to other happy black framed accepted invites.  Aint nobody got time for that. 

A month or so later, another invite.  I did the same -- ignored it and it went away.  The same the next month. 

Then, like a sad Unicorn looking for a rainbow on a bright sunny day, it happened.  The first email came from someone in Brazil.  It said "Please remove me from this. I don't believe this was intended for me."  And just like that a spark…

65 Facts About the Legend Al Bart

Today is Solstice.  Its the longest day of the year.  Its also the day that the Universe decided to create the Legend Al Bart to bring uniform and structure to its elaborate and complicated framework known as life.  Papa Universe and Al Bart created God and the rest is history. 

In honor of his, allegedly, "65th" birthday (There is no number that exists to give a true age of Al Bart), these are 65 so-called true accounts of this Legendary creature known to many as Al Bart, but Father to me. 
And on the first day Al Bart created GodAl Bart can make fire by rubbing ice cubes together Al Bart does not sleep. He waitsOne time Al Bart built a snowman. Today this is known as Antarctica.Al Bart counted to infinity - twice Al Bart is the reason why Waldo is hiding Al Bart and Superman had a fight as a bet. The loser would have to wear his underwear outside his pants. Al Bart does not get frostbite. He bites frost. Al Bart's shadow is scared of himWhen Al Bart jumps in a pool, he …

The Old School Answering Machine Greeting

Before social media became a part of our everyday lives, there was something that can be attributed to the original Facebook profile:  The answering machine greeting.


Remember that ish?  For those born in the 90s and with cell phones in their hands, will never understand the cool factor the answering machine greeting played.  You also will never ever understand emergency breakthroughs or being on 3 way with a close friends that's a girl and her friend -- the girl you like -- and you quietly listening in like a ninja, unbeknownst to the girl, as your friend talks about how awesome you are at life and if she likes you.  Instead, you'll text the girl you like. Boo.



First things first, you needed to get your own phone line.  There is no way you can have that little hotty in home eck calling you for the first time, only to have Mom answer the phone.  FOH wit that shit.  Once you started getting hair in weird places, you needed your own phone line. Period. (pun intended) 

Once you go…

No Alexa!

You are sitting with your significant other watching TV.  The kids are asleep and this is your alone time with the spouse to rebuild that loving relationship you once had by doing something that every couple should do: watch TV.  So there you are watching your favorite TV show; whether it be Homeland, The Bachelor, or This is Us, and then it happens.  Just as This is Us drops another tear jerking moment making it the most depressing show in the history of television, you hear a voice telling you that there is no special order placed for Avocadoes in your shopping cart.  Startled, and wiping tears, you look at your significant other and immediately move both sets of eyes to the table to the far right of the room where Amazon Echo Dot sits quietly.  You shout "NO ALEXA", sigh and then rewind a few seconds back in your show to what you missed.  10 minutes later it happens again. This time during a silence break in the show due to another tear wrenching moment that happens to th…

Party Pooper Potty Talk

It happened. Somehow, some way the potty talk started.  What was once beautiful vocabulary coming out of my 3 and 4 year old girls' mouths like "Daddy is great", "Daddy is amazing", "We Love Daddy", has suddenly shifted to poo poo and pee pees and butts and poopy heads.

At first I laughed.  It was funny and I thought actually quite clever.  My oldest daughter took the phenomenally catchy yet somehow annoying Flo Rida's My House lyrics and instead of "Welcome to my house", she changed it to "Welcome to my Butt".  Fucking hysterical.  We all laughed triggering her to do this for another 72 hours nonstop.  The joke got old but it was still dam funny.

The problem is the song never went away.  It was played on every pop station for months to come.  Eventually, the word "butt" -- a gateway profanity drug for sure -- slowly was replaced with other dam clever words like "Welcome to my Pee Pee", "Welcome to m…

Nate the Stomach Bug

On January 5, 2 days after Ava -- our 4 year old -- went back to school after being off for 2 weeks for the holidays, she met a young boy named Nate.

Nate was funky looking, like think the Fly  --- but at the end when he's all fucked up looking. Shit still gives me nightmares.  ---  meets that science project you had when you were in high school to look at cheek swabs in a microscope.  That bad.  But Ava does not judge.  Besides, we did not raise her that way. She's a Bart for Christ's sake.




Now some would call Nate a "virus" but we don't label in the Bart household because that's just not right.  So instead we call Nate a young boy from a broken home.

Sometime over the holidays, Nate befriended a young boy at her school and then quickly made friends with his sister.  We will call this young boy "Patient 0" and the sister "The Carrier".  The Carrier came to school but Patient 0 stayed home as he was so sad of seeing Nate leave that he …

Thank you 2016

As 2016 comes to a close, I sit back and think how much this year made an impact on my life.  Most people have already shunned this year off after the death of Prince and other famous celebrities, but for me it was more of an inviting year and one to put my life into perspective.

In August I had shoulder surgery due to a stupid attempt at Brazilian jiu jitsu.  It sounded cool at the time so i gave it a try.  6 classes in and I am in the hospital.  Stupid me.  Prior to this i was probably in the best shape of my life competing in races, power lifting, male modeling (kidding).  The fact is I was killing it with my personal goals. Work, however was a different story.  I was very stressed with work and as a way to combat stress i would workout which would make me feel happy -- sorta like a drug.  And as a result my family would never see me.  And this is the problem.

This surgery opened up a whole new realization that none of the shit you lift over your head, the hill you are trying to …