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The Sleeping Game

The unthinkable has happened in the last few weeks of life; both kids are in bed and sound asleep by 8pm.  Yes.   Both kids.  Asleep.  8pm.  Actually in most cases its even earlier as we are saying our last 'I Love Yous' at exactly 7:35pm as the lights go out and its on.  And we totally, for all things holy, ensure this schedule is continually followed on a nightly basis.

How did we get here you ask?  Simple.  Routine. {go ahead and roll your eyes}  Kids know nothing than what you teach them.  For all they know, they are going to sleep at midnight.  Time means nothing.  But what does mean something is the demon like creature that takes over their soul when they are sleepy. Fuck that Devil.  We pretty much figured out that around 6:30 is when Ava turns into Eva, Ellie becomes an Ellien, shit starts to turn heads and toys start moving across the room by themselves.  Therefore, bedtime starts no later than 6:45 in the Bart household. 

Then its Danny and Rosie time until we goto bed.  Ahhhh... the good times.  Ya see, back about a year ago, the bedtime routine lasted hours with kids getting out of bed and asking for water and crying and wanting a red sock or a blue sock and this underwear and not that or this pajama bottom with this top.  Nope.  All good in the hood now. Sound asleep.  8pm.  No problems.

....This is where the record scratches leaving that screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech noise. 

Yes all is good in the hood at the Bart household, that is, until we, the parents,  goto sleep.

Here's what happens.  Its midnight and we are fast asleep. I am dreaming of puppy dogs and ice cream and Rose is dreaming about Patrick Swayze sitting behind her, arms around embracing her and together building pottery; some clay gets on Rosie's nose.  Patrick giggles and teases it off with his tongue...   Suddenly, we are woken to a child standing in front of us. Just standing there. 

What the FUCK!

Ellie stands there and somehow wakes us with her mind. It works.  My ice cream melts and the puppies have been hit by fast moving cars.  Patrick slowly vanishes into a ghost (RIP buddy) and we are both awake saying "Ellie what's wrong?"

Backtrack 9 years ago when my wife and I moved into our home.  We layed in our new bed and it was then Rose said these phenomenal words:

"Let me get this side of the bed.  It's by the bathroom and I always have to pee 100 times a night." 

"Are you sure" I reply,  "its by the bedroom door and i know how you are with that". 

"No silly.  Its fine"

Flash forward to present day.  Rose picked the side that is closest to the door which means Mommy is first in their target.  Boom!

Here's how it goes down nightly..

Ellie wakes us at midnight after drifting off into dreamland.  I sometimes wake.  I usually don't hear the first few rounds.  But Rose certainly does as Ellie stands next to Rose's sleeping head, like a demon deciding to steal her mother's soul.  Just standing there.  Rose can hear shriek like screams in her head saying 'wake wake wake' and within seconds her eyes are open looking at a blank stare from our daughter 2 feet away. 

"I have to go pee" is the first round.  Rose gets up half asleep and makes her way to the children's bathroom that is next to their room.  Yes. Their bathroom is next to their room -- not ours --, literally 8 steps from Ellie's bed.  However, she thinks its fair game to walk past their bathroom, down the hall, in the dark, open our bedroom door, in the dark, and stand next to Mommy's head like a demon speaking internal to Mommy, in the dark.  

After that round, it happens again, 30 minutes later.  This time its the older child, Ava.  "I love you Mommy" she says after Mommy is waken to a slightly taller demon standing next to her head saying nothing at all until her eyes open. Aww how sweet.  I love you too is what we both use to say when this phenomenon would happen.  Now its "What are you doing?  Go to bed"  in a not so loving kinda way.

God forbid Daddy aka me wakes. Its usually "GO BACK TO BED.  WHAT IS GOING ON?  WHY ARE YOU WAKING US AGAIN.  ITS LATE.  HOW BOUT I WAKE YOU. HOW BOUT I JUST STAND IN FRONT OF YOUR BED LIKE SOME SORTA DEMON TRYING TO STEAL YOUR SOUL. HUH? HUH?"  but i usually get "MOMMMMMMY" and then crying ensues as if I am the demon!!  Therefore, i have trained my brain to try to continue to sleep when the demons come in. 

This goes on for another 2 hours.  Both kids will come in simultaneously, sometimes together and in sync. "I love you, tuck me in, hold me, I want a hug, I have to pee (again for the 4th time)" and on and on.  It usually ends with me screaming like a lunatic --- see above rant.  And then finally the demon trying to take over is pushed out and our girls fall back into a nice sleep dreaming of Daddy fighting boogeymen and feeding them ice cream and playing with puppy dogs.

For shits and giggles, i did try to replicate the situation once. When Ava went to sleep, I stood next to her bed and just stood there.  5 minutes passed.  10.  Nothing. She didn't budge.  So then i tried to wake her by saying "I love you" loud.  Nothing. She didn't budge.  So I tried with my youngest daughter Ellie who woke, smiled and said I love you too and then went right back to sleep. Boooo.  I woke her and said "I have to pee".  She got out of bed and followed me in the bathroom with a big smile. Boo.  It just does not have the same appeal. 

Its a fucking game. A sleeping game.  But i will say this.. however, long this game goes on for --- i dont care if its until they move out -- they will never ever nooooo way in all their demon hell sleep in our bed.  Let the games continue!! 



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