Skip to main content

That Giant F$#&ing Corn Maze

As most of America was off from work celebrating the original Donald Trump (Christopher Columbus was a complete d-bag for those who dont know) who founded America and made it great by buying stock in furniture sales and new pillows,  I had the grand opportunity to take my children to Stony Hill Farms to have fun getting lost in their GIANT corn maze, sort out some great pumpkins to place outside to get eaten by the squirrels, and to get a sugar high eating tons of fall goodies, like candy apples, apple cider and donuts! Mmmmmm... 

None of that happened by the way as we were lost in a maze for almost 2 hours.. 

It started with a thought -  how about i cancel my meetings, take off work and take the family to a fun-filled fashion fall day.  It seemed like the perfect plan. I told my wife who woke up dying from the infection that the kids picked up from school last week (i got it 2 days before her) and she was game as she made loud trumpet noises blowing her nose. 

I told the kids all the fun and exciting things that we would do.  We would go to a giant corn maze in which we get lost together and find our way out!  They heard nothing i said except "candy" like in slow motion - "We will .. blah blah blah blah blah blah blah bla----- CANNDDEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYY"  There eyes lit up like it was Christmas morning.  Did you say candy??  And so they were in. 

My idea to leave was at 10:30.  We got there at 2. Yes this happens.  The kids need this and want that.  Who has to pee?  Rose had to make 30 sandwiches and get all the snacks and gear.  This takes time. I get it.  But i am like a school child:  impatient and whining to go.  

We finally arrived to the farm at 2:15.  It was actually a quite pleasant ride  No fighting and all singing and somewhat dancing as most Bart trips go (usually its 50% fighting.. this trip was maybe only 5%).   My wife and I had been here before sans kids.  There is a giant corn maze.  That is really all i remember.  But there is also like 30 other things for kids to do.  But it all comes with a price tag.  Freaking 13 bucks per person to enter.  Ellie was free cause she is not 3 yet - bam.  But $41.70 for us to enter this "amazing" farm.  Yayy.  This did not include apple picking, which was an extra 10 bux per 10 apples or some shit; nor did it include a hay ride which was an additional 3 bux per person.  WTFFFF!!!!

After you pay, you have to watch a 2 minute video about what not to do in the maze.  Having a 4 and almost 3 yr old, this is like asking them to sit through Gone With the Wind.  Torture #1. 

After the video, all the sudden every child has to pee.  And of course there are no restrooms but instead a trailer park of PortaPotties or Johns or whatever you call them.  Torture #2  

After the bathroom situation, the kids saw the food and then of course they were hungry again.  So we had to take out our giant bag of food and now eat instead of starting our way into the maze to get this day going.  This took another 30 minutes in total.  Torture #3

So FINALLY we start the maze.  The time is 2:45.  I have my photo of the map on my phone so that i can navigate us the best i can.  We put our Bart hands in and yell TEAMWORK!!  Apparently my wife and the kids have done this before.  They all yelled teamwork and i said "Go!".  Everyone just looked at me as if I was the asshole.  Torture #4

We start walking.  I immediately felt like i was one of the boys from Stand by Me looking for something that just cant be found.  The kids were leading the pack. This was super cute for about 10 minutes until they both wanted to lead and then would fight and yell because one stepped in front of the other.  I had to yell.  Torture #5

The girls did not listen and continued to "lead" us, not listening to where i tell them, only to have us literally going back to the start of the maze after 20 minutes.  Nice job girls.  And when they were leading, they were running, because why would any kid walk.  Ever.  I dont think its possible.  And so what happens when kids run, especially over bumpy rocks and corn stalks?  You guessed it.  They fall; and hard.  So every 5 minutes we are picking one of the kids up and brushing them off as they are crying and screaming Boo-Boo Boo-Boooooooooo Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!  We were only about 30 minutes in and maybe 20% completed.    Both kids had 3 cuts and now brown pants (they were pink)  It was then i realized that this was going to be  a looonggggg day.   Torture #6&7 (counts as 2)


After about 45 minutes, the kids were now hungry and thirsty.   My wife is the water Nazi.  She does not like to give the kids water when there is no bathroom nearby.  I get it.  But jesus just give in or we hear them crying, while lost in the middle of a god-dam fucking corn maze in Chester NJ!!!   The kids get their water and we gave them some pretzels.  5 minutes later it started..

"Water Water" says my youngest.  Rose gives her some.  Repeat for the next 20 minutes.  She was relentless and if she did not get water she would throw herself on the floor until she got it.  I was up ahead make believing i had no famliy and was a weirdo walking alone in a corn maze in fucking Chester NJ.   Torture #8

My oldest woke up from the dead and suddenly wanted to me near me and loved me and wanted to hold my had.  Ok sure.  It was then i realized that Rose had put the kabash on some more snacks and she thought she would pucker up to me to get more Cheese Doodles.  Nice try.  Crying ensues.   Torture #9

Finally I had to get myself together. I was slowly losing my family one by one.  My wife was sneezing and coughing and looked like the Walking Dead as the infection that she got from our kids was slowly taking over her soul.  My youngest child was exhausted and wanted to be held, which i couldn't because of my shoulder (had shoulder surgery.. read all about it here), and my oldest was running all around like a maniac as she was bored out of her mind with nothing around her but cornstalks and rotting corn in a fucking giant circle that we got ourselves in and couldn't get ourselves out in a fucking corn maze in Chester NJ!  

I took out my phone and studied the map.  I had to find a way out of this dam circle that we got in.  15 minutes of walking around like the Griswolds:  Big Ben kids.  Finally, i realized i had to make a right, not a left, and we were good to go.  Just like that, I had gotten farther than many others as they were still walking passed us laughing as they were lost.  They were probably laughing thinking what fool brings their 2 and 4 yr old to a fucking giant corn maze in Chester NJ.  

After studying the map hard, i found the exit.  Just 1 left, under 2 bridges and over another one and the exit would be ahead.  I started to get nervous with anticipation.  I told my family the exciting news.  You would think I said we were going to Disneyworld.  The family woke from the dead, put smiles on their faces and joined me proudly to the exit.  We went under both bridges and over the next.  At the top of the bridge, i was able to overlook the giant fucking corn maze in Chester NJ.  I saw where the exit could be but now was not sure.  Anxiety took over.  

We turned the  corner and as we did I saw the light.  {cue Chariots of Fire music}  "WE DID IT KIDS!!" I yelled.  Parents around would be jealous in rage as they heard those 4 magic words, knowing that they would not be able to live this reality for at least another 2hrs of crying and complaining and whining.  But not us. No. No.  Ya see, in that moment I may have been teh most happiest in my life.  I survived the giant fucking corn maze in Chester NJ and I saved my family from dehydration and starvation in the process!!

After the maze, the kids played in a cool play area they had setup.  Of course Ellie fell and cut her head.  Ava was being bad and running way from us. Safe to say it was time to go.  The wonderful apple cider and donuts and candy apples are now just afterthoughts in my mind.  Get me the fuck out of here!  

Morale of this story:  PHENOMENAL maze but dont be an ASS and bring your kids.  Check out Conklin Farms in Montvale, NJ.  Soooo much easier and most importantly, FREE!!


Popular posts from this blog

My Justin Timberlake Experience .. and my shameful beer snob status

I have seen some great legends live in concert over the years.  Paul McCartney, Billy Joel, One Direction - to name a few.  But one in particular - Mr Justin Timberlake aka Justin Bart or JB as he goes by - was one for the ages. 

I got to enjoy this spectacular human with my beard wife Rose last night at the Prudential Center, in the city of dreams, Newark NJ.

The Christmas Glitter Bomb

Its that time of year again.  A time when people and family members that you haven't talked to, well, since last Christmas, reach out with open arms and send you their annual Christmas card.  We took part this year as we now have a newborn.  We both felt obliged to show off our little one to everyone on our wedding list and beyond.  It felt nice.  It's more of a hey-look-how-cute-our-kid-is behind a Merry Christmas message.  Regardless, our card was a simple photo that did NOT have a surprise waiting as you opened up the envelope. A surprise that jumps out at you and says "SURPRISEEEEEE!!!oh and merry christmas"  I'm talking about the glitter bomb.  You all know who you are.  

The Perineal Massage..

My wife is approaching her 37th week of pregnancy.  Apparently, in your 37th week you are supposed to begin massaging your perineum.  "What's a perineum", you asked as so did i?  The perineum is basically the taint.  "Ahhhh.. ok.  I get it.  But massage it??", is what i asked.  Yes, massaging it helps with the pain when the baby crowns during childbirth.  "So just rub it or sumthin?" (in Chip Chipperson voice .. Opie and Anthony fans anyone??)  Not quite.. 
Here are the instructions on how to successfully massage your perineum: