Skip to main content

The Crying Game

Way before Caitlyn Jenner made transgender cool, there was a little movie called The Crying Game.  This blog i can ensure you is NOT about transgender or Bruce Jenner or that movie (not that there is anything wrong with that).  No. Its about fucking crying and how my wonderful, adorable, princess-like almost-3yr old Ellie has now been recently diagnosed with Satan's Laugh aka Crying.  Please pray.

I wrote this wonderful blog about my (then) perfect little Ellie when she turned 1. but now....

Based on the above definition, courtesy of, crying is something to express distress or pain.  Hmm.. i am pretty certain that

  1. crying because she wanted to put the seat-belt on herself but then wanted Mommy to do it, then Daddy and then herself again or,
  2. crying because she wants to go to the bathroom with the lights off and the door open and then suddenly does not have to go or, 
  3. crying because her sister is playing with a toy that she has not played with in 3 months and now wants it or,
  4. crying because she wants to wear a dress in 30 degree weather or
  5. crying because she wants the black marker that she is holding in her hand but blaming her sister for having it or, 
  6. crying because she wants Mommy to tuck her in at bedtime, but then is not tired and then wants water and now has to pee and now wants Daddy or, 
  7. crying because she wants the red cup with no lid for her water, then does not want water, then wants the water in the blue cup with a lid, then wants a straw and then does not want a straw and finally does not want anything at all to drink but now suddenly wants juice or, 
  8. crying because the string cheese she got as a snack was not properly opened the mysterious way that she wanted or, 
  9. crying because there is a tiny oregano speck in her macaroni or, 
  10. crying because she wants Mommy to put lipstick and makeup on her or,
  11. crying because she wants to turn the light off that she cannot reach or, 
  12. crying because the exact same fake phone that she has as her sister, somehow, is not the same as her sisters 
does not qualify for distress or pain. 

Imagine Adults crying because they have too many meetings or because they dont want to go to the movies to see Magic Mike 3 but instead want to see Captain America 4 or because they dont want parmesan cheese on their macaroni.  I get it.  Life is frustrating as a child, but come on!!!!  

The interesting thing about my little Ellie is she is tough.  Tough, like pain tough.  She should walk around with a helmet for she is always bumping her head into something.  She has cuts and bruises all over her body for constantly falling, and even currently has a black eye that she got at a party recently when trying to sleep in the doggy bed, only to fall and hit her face on the baseboard heating.  Nice.  

However, whenever she falls or gets hurt, her crying lasts for 5 minutes.  Whenever one of the 12 things listed above (oh there is at least another 48 not mentioned), she will cry for no less than 15 minutes.  Usually the crying is pretty amazing.  There is all kinds of liquids coming out of her mouth, nose and eyes.  Sometimes she even does this terrible cry wail thing singing Momma.  All this because there was one Cheerio in her milk bowl that was broken.  WTF!    

Then introduce her sister, Ava, to the mix and you have the ultimate crying game.  The older one knows what she can get away with and uses it to her advantage.  Its quite fucking amazing how quick a kid can produce tears.  As an adult, i have to like really really try to cry.  Its hard! Unless your watching the debate tonight!  But for the kids, its just so natural.  So a typical day is an entire choir of crying, sometimes in sync.  Its quite beautiful yet dreadful at the same time.  Even as i type this i have heard the wails of both simultaneously.  I am sure the cause was simple:  Ava was drawing a picture. Ellie wanted the marker that Ava was using -- even though there are 40 markers.  Ava said no.  Ellie cried.  Then Ellie took another marker.  Somehow, Ava thought it would be cute to get the same attention so she screams at Ellie for taking her marker that she is not using.  Ava then scream cries.  Mommy then runs in and yells. Now both are crying more.  Repeat all day long.

Morale of this story:  Dil is a fucking woman!!!!  Who knew!!!!   What a movie!  What next:  Bruce Willis is really dead??


Popular posts from this blog

My Justin Timberlake Experience .. and my shameful beer snob status

I have seen some great legends live in concert over the years.  Paul McCartney, Billy Joel, One Direction - to name a few.  But one in particular - Mr Justin Timberlake aka Justin Bart or JB as he goes by - was one for the ages. 

I got to enjoy this spectacular human with my beard wife Rose last night at the Prudential Center, in the city of dreams, Newark NJ.

The Christmas Glitter Bomb

Its that time of year again.  A time when people and family members that you haven't talked to, well, since last Christmas, reach out with open arms and send you their annual Christmas card.  We took part this year as we now have a newborn.  We both felt obliged to show off our little one to everyone on our wedding list and beyond.  It felt nice.  It's more of a hey-look-how-cute-our-kid-is behind a Merry Christmas message.  Regardless, our card was a simple photo that did NOT have a surprise waiting as you opened up the envelope. A surprise that jumps out at you and says "SURPRISEEEEEE!!!oh and merry christmas"  I'm talking about the glitter bomb.  You all know who you are.  

The Perineal Massage..

My wife is approaching her 37th week of pregnancy.  Apparently, in your 37th week you are supposed to begin massaging your perineum.  "What's a perineum", you asked as so did i?  The perineum is basically the taint.  "Ahhhh.. ok.  I get it.  But massage it??", is what i asked.  Yes, massaging it helps with the pain when the baby crowns during childbirth.  "So just rub it or sumthin?" (in Chip Chipperson voice .. Opie and Anthony fans anyone??)  Not quite.. 
Here are the instructions on how to successfully massage your perineum: