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Stupid Squirrels

Its that time of year again:  when the beautiful green leaves on trees slowly begin to die and become a wonderful array of colors, as they fall from their homes to the ground, only to have children run and throw them all over each other in laughter and cheer. Who would have thought death can be so beautiful, yet fun!!  

It's also a time when we go to pumpkin farms to buy a pumpkin, take home and place on our front steps.  Scholars don't even know why we do this.  So there they sit; only to be eaten by squirrels and then rot and decompose.  And there they will continue to sit because nobody wants to touch the now gross, unwanted rotten juicy, lopsided and half eaten pumpkin, and throw in the garbage as it will sit and smell up the garage.  "GET AWAY SQUIRRELS!!" is what my children now yell when they see a harmless little squirrel looking for food, as year after year we have half orange and black decomposed pumpkins sitting outside our home. 

courtesy of

And that's where we begin our story.. Dam squirrels! 

Squirrels amaze me.  They can climb anything in seconds, run like the wind and eat acorns while making cute faces at the world.  For these reasons i always thought i wanted to be a squirrel if the Gods reincarnate us.  They freaking jump from tree to tree!!  How bad ass is this!? 

But i can say this, they are dumb as fuck and here is why.. 

For thousands of years, squirrels and man have lived together.  Yet, for reasons unknown, they are still scared as shit of human beings.  They are the only species - at least in the NYC tri-state area, that are fully integrated into our society, yet run like the dickens the second you get 30 yards or closer to them.  Was there an evolution period that is missing?  Shouldn't the squirrels be so used to us by now that they come to our feet for food?  We certainly are not shoeing them away like flies or bees.  I speak for North Jersey only.  Central Park squirrels are like from the hood and literally come to your open toed shoes begging for food.

It's not like humans are deliberately killing squirrels - unless they're training to become a serial killer - its just not happening.  It's not like us New Jerseyans (is that the right word) have an appetite for squirrel, like I have seen many times in some mid western states on Bizarre Foods on the amazing Travel Channel, and there is a huge demand for squirrel at our local restaurants.  No!  Its just not happening.  So why the fear?  I don't get it. 

They are also idiots when crossing the street (or suicidal).  I am sure you have all seen this:  Sammy the squirrel decides to cross the street to see what is that delicious garbage display that is outside of someones house.  As he crosses (assuming its a male), he notices your car coming right at him.  The first thing he does is stops and looks at you.  Then he runs across.   Maybe trying to have some fun, commit suicide or exercise, he then bolts back again towards your car, forcing you the driver to swerve suddenly  - again we don't kill squirrels on purpose - and then bolt back to the other side only to get run over by your left rear tire!!  WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!   Is Sammy deciding its a good time to practice his suicide sprints?   I mean, its the perfect definition of suicide sprints - let's just run back and forth to almost get hit by the car. Oh.  Ooops.  Ouch.  Now you the driver feels like absolute hell (i mean you should. if not you should get evaluated) and has to clean his/her car. Gross.

This is the same animal that can cross - with amazing precision - that phone line connected from the pole to your house.  Or that tiny little branch that can't hold anything but 3 pounds without falling - and yet walk on it so elegantly and beautifully  .  This is the same animal that is an IDIOT when crossing a street. Don't you know how cars work today!  They go straight. They don't swerve all over the road.  What are you doing?! 

courtesy of
Another thing that i have noticed - or not should be a better word - is the lack of poop.  These things are everywhere.  I expect little nuggets of poop everywhere imaginable. Instead i see bird poop, and geese poop, and dog poop, and in some areas, human poop - but where is the squirrel poop?  Are they too shy to shit in the woods or on that neighbor's porch that you sooo want someone to take a shit on?  Where are they shitting?  Do they even?  I guess the old -- and as my father, the legend Al Bart, would say --  "Does a {put in an animal} shit in the woods?" to insinuate an ironic YES does not apply for squirrels.  Instead, "Have you ever seen a squirrel shit in the woods?" should be the new ironic NO to this silly question that deserves a slap in the head (no offense Dad) 

The same goes for love making.  Is this happening?  I have seen and heard them doing that squeaky weird noise thing when they shake their tale.  Is this Boris the Squirrel of 439 Hartford Dr Tree trying to get the attention of Sarah the Squirrel of 445 Hartford Dr Tree?   Do they then go meet like in a bush and pro-create?  Do they shit there as well?  

So many questions, so little answers.  I think its a safe assessment to say that squirrels are just a dumb species and should seriously stop eating our pumpkins!!!  Maybe they are taking the pumpkin meat back to their little squirrel homes and making some kind of acorn pumpkin stew.  Or maybe brewing up some fine pumpkin tree juice.  Who knows.  What i do know is that my amazing wife needs to make pumpkin bread, pie, cookies, bars, ice cream, coffee, yogurt, soup, and anything else you can make with pumpkin ASAP!  So STOP eating our pumpkins!! Do you agree?

Squirrel O' lantern


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