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At the Playground. Ya knowww

The playground:  a place where parents walk around with their phones in hand resembling something from the Walking Dead as their child is either a) beating up another small child b) about to climb up the "fun" spider looking thingy that is clearly for kids over the age of 8 and yours is 3 c) dangling from a monkey bar that somehow they got the courage to get on but now is about to fall which is the equivalent to 3 stories to the small child or d) bloodied on the ground and crying. 

The baby in that stroller totally escaped and is eating dog shit behind that tree


And as the parents think its "quiet" time as they relax on the bench -  that is setup to overlook their children playing instead of sitting their looking at their Facebook feeds - the child is ready to go down that slide that has been sitting in the hot hot sun since it busted up from the ground 7 hours ago.  That scorching hot plastic is about to burn the shit out of your child's legs but Jose - the dude you went to high school with 15 years ago and have not seen him since - just checked in to Starbucks and you totally gotta like his post.  I mean its double star day and he just got a Venti Vanilla Frapuccino which is worth like 30 stars!!  Shaahhh.  Wahhhhh, screams the child. 

Umm... can someone please check on Max


As a father of 2 girls - 2.5 and 4 (i specify 2.5 because i have been trained to say this to avoid being yelled at by the 2.5 year old) - I do the unthinkable:  I watch my kids at the playground.  I know I know.  Its cray.  But here's where its even crazier, I actually play with my kids at the playground as well.  Whaaaaaaatt.  Yup, its true.  My daughters 4 so its still kinda cool to play with Dad.  However, i know at like 6, she will be like "Um, play with my sister or something.  There's boys here". I get it.  I was 6 once too.  All i cared about was hitting girls and running around like Kevin Macallister from Home Alone literally all day long until i crashed at bedtime. 


A typical hour at the park is like going to the NJ Boardwalk. You're super excited to get there and looking forward.  Then the second you step on that first old plank of wood, you realize that somehow NJ is made up of nothing but trash and wish you can go back home.  You wonder where the fuck do these people come from?! The playground is the same.  

You got all kinds of peeps here:  neck, boob and tear drop tattoos, giant obese women wearing what looks like their 4 year old daughters shirt,  the group of nannies who all sit around and gossip about how dirty and mean their bosses are and how the kids are fucking assholes, the one Dad who's constantly screaming at his child for every single thing meanwhile he is staring at the 24 year old Mean Girl Nanny Club.

The over protecting helicopter Mom who is following around her child everywhere - including climbing up on the playground play area.  You don't do this.  Once you climb the stairs on to the playground platform you are now a fucking creepy old person hanging with small kids.  Its like being the only man in a jumpy house with 15 other small kids.  Gross Out.

The Moms who meet here everyday so they're 7 year olds can have "play dates" - what the fuck is a playdate.  When we were kids we just went outside and played and that was it - and totally not paying attention to the actual date

And finally Me - the guy who is running around being silly and actually playing with his child.  Somehow, someone, somewhere in a distant land is right now blogging about me saying how some fucking retard (not like in a disabled way - no disrespect) was running around like an idiot with his kids at the park making his kids crazy as well.   Boom.  Much respect!

Little Billy and Sweet Suzie are dangling upside down on a monkey bar  about to fall to their death but Joey just texted Gabriella about a new shirt he bought. Cool. 

And as I play with my kids at the playground, the inevitable happens:  I actually have to babysit other children!  WTF is this!  This is not a free fucking daddy day care session.  Get your head up from your stupid phone and pay attention!  Instead i have to tell other children to not hit my kids. Ive told other boys to please wipe their nose because boogers are literally all over their mouth like the boy just ate ice-cream.  I am constantly passive aggressively telling these little asshole kids that they need to go down the slide, not up, so that my child can go as she waits patiently at the top.  "No Honey, its ok.  Just wait for the girl to finish going up the slide the wrong way", is what I say.   I should say "Go ahead honey.  Clip that little bitch's legs and take her out.  I will get you ice cream afterwards!" The Mombie of the child was of course sitting on a bench wearing a shirt so tight that it got lost between her rolls while displaying her boob tattoo of a cross and playing Gems on her iPhone.  This is what Jesus died for??




The morale of this story is to please ignore a suave fancy man, with a side part and shorts above his knees, running around playing, and probably passively aggressively calling your children dickheads.  He means well. Go back to reading this on your phone at the playground while your child is hitting mine.  Thanks for the share ;-)

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