Skip to main content

SnowStorms and Why We Buy Milk, Eggs and Bread

As Washington DC prepares to get hit with the "storm of the century" (which really means only the last 16 years) and get a whopping 2 feet of snow, NYC is preparing for their "Snowmageddon" of 2016 with 5-8 inches.  Boo.  There are parts on my body that are bigger than that (dirty minds)  And as I type this, millions are hitting the supermarkets to buy everything required to open and run a small village. 

We live in NYC metro area where there are stores everywhere in walking distance.  If Target is open on Thanksgiving then why the fuck would it not be open for 5 inches of snow.  That is in fact there is a deeper meaning to all this... 

Out of all the necessities that people seem to need during a 5-8 inch SnowStock, the one that tops the list is milk. 

Why milk?

Is there some strange brain patterns that link falling white snow with the craving for milk?  Maybe the snow brings us back to our childhood as does milk?  

Or maybe, just maybe, the government sends tiny subliminal messages in each snowflake that forces us to crave milk so that we buy it.  And since the government secretly owns every farm in the US, then they essentially make a profit of Snowmageddon proportions of every "storm".  But to do this, this would require the weathermen to be in on it.  Therefore, every weatherman in the USA has a James-Bond-esque status posing as weathermen, but are really secret agents to get us to buy more milk.   Makes soooo much sense now. 

Bread and eggs are next.  Why? 

Apparently, Americans LOVE to eat egg sandwiches when it snows.  This makes sense because after a long day of sleigh riding, i aways crave egg sandwiches and milk, says nobody ever.  

The real truth is that the government, who remember owns the farms, controls the wheat supply and adds tiny circuits disguised as grains into each slice of bread.   When it snows, the snowflakes send a signal to the bread which triggers our minds to want to eat it.  The eggs, which are also controlled by Uncle Sam, have mind-controlling substances that actually allow the Government to control your body when you eat them. Of course, this is only activated when it snows.  Crazy right?

Toilet paper makes so much sense now.  You cannot not buy all that dairy without buying toilet paper.  Duh.  You're gonna most likely be shitting for 7 days. So of course you need to get extra toilet paper.  But 3 weeks worth?  Hmm.. thats a stretch. Unless the government secretly embeds tiny molecules of Olestra into the government-controlled milk product and eggs.  A tiny percent would not alter the taste of the eggs or milk, which in turn would make you poop like its Snowing sharks outside.  Now I understand.

And since the Government controls the weather and our minds, they of course enforce "State of Emergency" statuses so that all stores are required to be closed, forcing every women in the region to spend $700 at ShopRite.  Im on to something.. 

As for the 30 cases of batteries, 45 cases of water, 13 tablecloths, 42 hot dog buns, 12 hot chocolate cases, 6 shovels and 22 cases of Pizza Bites, well thats just dumb buying.  

Heres what you should be buying during a snowstorm:  a self operating apparatus that can make one sexually satisfied, batteries for this apparatus, ALOT of wine and beer and whiskey, R Kelly and Cisqo's complete catalog, dark shades for the kids bedroom to make them think its bedtime at 2PM, Elsa the Porn Queen On Demand, lots of tissues for NOT blowing your nose, and the game of Twister. 

So the next time that big SnowAPoolooza is hitting your neighborhood, think about the Government and how it will control your mind to buy unnecessary shit.   Instead, be prepared with my list above and you'll be set.  R Kelly is soooo much better than mind-controlling eggs.  Just saying. 



Popular posts from this blog

My Justin Timberlake Experience .. and my shameful beer snob status

I have seen some great legends live in concert over the years.  Paul McCartney, Billy Joel, One Direction - to name a few.  But one in particular - Mr Justin Timberlake aka Justin Bart or JB as he goes by - was one for the ages. 

I got to enjoy this spectacular human with my beard wife Rose last night at the Prudential Center, in the city of dreams, Newark NJ.

The Christmas Glitter Bomb

Its that time of year again.  A time when people and family members that you haven't talked to, well, since last Christmas, reach out with open arms and send you their annual Christmas card.  We took part this year as we now have a newborn.  We both felt obliged to show off our little one to everyone on our wedding list and beyond.  It felt nice.  It's more of a hey-look-how-cute-our-kid-is behind a Merry Christmas message.  Regardless, our card was a simple photo that did NOT have a surprise waiting as you opened up the envelope. A surprise that jumps out at you and says "SURPRISEEEEEE!!!oh and merry christmas"  I'm talking about the glitter bomb.  You all know who you are.  

The Perineal Massage..

My wife is approaching her 37th week of pregnancy.  Apparently, in your 37th week you are supposed to begin massaging your perineum.  "What's a perineum", you asked as so did i?  The perineum is basically the taint.  "Ahhhh.. ok.  I get it.  But massage it??", is what i asked.  Yes, massaging it helps with the pain when the baby crowns during childbirth.  "So just rub it or sumthin?" (in Chip Chipperson voice .. Opie and Anthony fans anyone??)  Not quite.. 
Here are the instructions on how to successfully massage your perineum: