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Showing posts from 2016

My Disney on Ice Experience

As a child, I had dreams and visions of seeing that giant truck, Bigfoot, crushing cars with its HUGE wheels in its path as the main event at the Monster Truck Rally.  This never happened.  And so as an adult, I had dreams of taking my sons to see Bigfoot at the Monster Truck Rally. This never happened either.  Instead, God gave me 2 girls and as a result, I had the opportunity to see Disney on Ice instead -- Princess edition!  A Princess crushed my Bigfoot dreams.   Let it go.

Where to begin..

My Magical Experience at the Nail Salon

First off Men, there is a secret life our ladies are leading and it all starts with 2 simple words we have heard millions of times in our lives and yet know NOTHING about:  Nail Salon.   Yesterday was my 9 year wedding anniversary and so I, as the good husband I am, opted to join my wife for a "couple" manicure and pedicure at the said "Nail Salon" with little to no expectation  -- and the result was.... MAGICAL!

I now understand why my wife goes on a sabbatical when getting her nails "done".  I assumed this process was simple and basic and so when she would come home an hour and half later, fully relaxed and with a smile, it made me wonder if the "Nail Salon" is really another word for Magic Mike's Playpen.  Now I totally get it.  

Where to begin.. 

Tales from Physical Therapy - The Scream

There was a scream; a loud yell sorta scream that one does when they are getting stabbed.  This was followed by a few smaller yells and then silence.  I got ready to jump to the ground in attack mode assuming these were the sounds of a loose killer; getting ready to throw an elderly over my good shoulder and start saving lives!  

No.  These were the sounds I heard walking into my first physical therapy session for my injured shoulder. What was I walking into?

I looked at my therapist -- she at me-- "is this normal" I asked, hoping she would say no.  

She replies "Oh that?  Oh that's nothing" with enough sarcasm to put up a fight with the question mark. The question mark got its crooked ass kicked.  

I replied "Oh".  She just laughed.  Still wondering what that meant.

The Sleeping Game

The unthinkable has happened in the last few weeks of life; both kids are in bed and sound asleep by 8pm.  Yes.   Both kids.  Asleep.  8pm.  Actually in most cases its even earlier as we are saying our last 'I Love Yous' at exactly 7:35pm as the lights go out and its on.  And we totally, for all things holy, ensure thisschedule is continually followed on a nightly basis.

How did we get here you ask?  Simple.  Routine. {go ahead and roll your eyes}  Kids know nothing than what you teach them.  For all they know, they are going to sleep at midnight.  Time means nothing.  But what does mean something is the demon like creature that takes over their soul when they are sleepy. Fuck that Devil.  We pretty much figured out that around 6:30 is when Ava turns into Eva, Ellie becomes an Ellien, shit starts to turn heads and toys start moving across the room by themselves.  Therefore, bedtime starts no later than 6:45 in the Bart household. 

That time I interviewed at Sam Goody

Goody got it.  Remember that ish. 

For those born in the 90s will have no idea what im talking about but its still a fun read...

The year was 1996. It was late winter i believe, and i was graduating high school that year.  I had some small jobs here and there but needed money as I now had a car and had some minor responsibilities like paying for my own gas, eating at Burger King and buying 40's in Newark for the weekends.  Shit was tight.

I was way past my grunge look and had evolved into the skater / raver stage -- ya know that one that had GIANT pants that can fit your head at the pant bottom openings and shirts that were 5 sizes too big on purpose. People would know these type of pants as JNCO jeans.  At the time, they were not mainstream and only worn by EDM people, skaters and wannabes like myself.  Well i would not say wannabes as i was a pretty decent rollerblader.  (For those born in the 90s will have no clue that rollerblading was actually a cool thing to do.  There were coo…

RIP Charles

It gives me with great sadness and remorse to report the loss of my very close friend Charles -- aka Charles the sling.  He will always be near and dear to my heart.  On October 11, after 6 short weeks -- which felt like an eternity -- God aka Dr Silver has decided it's time for me to say goodbye to Charles. 

Words cant express this feeling.  We have been through so much.  From weekend picnics in the parks, to late night dinners with the wife.  We have experienced pony rides together, and finger painting.  We have seen movies together - Kubo and the Two Strings (phenomenal) and The Secret Life of Pets (cute) - and enjoyed buttery and greasy popcorn.  

We have seen the birth of new babies and seen the death of loved ones.  We danced like crazy animals together recently at a wedding; and got very drunk in the process.  I even let Charles in on what goes on between closed doors with the Mrs.  I am sure he was very pleased.  

We have written blogs together and laughed about life.  Someho…

That Giant F$#&ing Corn Maze

As most of America was off from work celebrating the original Donald Trump (Christopher Columbus was a complete d-bag for those who dont know) who founded America and made it great by buying stock in furniture sales and new pillows,  I had the grand opportunity to take my children to Stony Hill Farms to have fun getting lost in their GIANT corn maze, sort out some great pumpkins to place outside to get eaten by the squirrels, and to get a sugar high eating tons of fall goodies, like candy apples, apple cider and donuts! Mmmmmm... 

None of that happened by the way as we were lost in a maze for almost 2 hours.. 

It started with a thought -  how about i cancel my meetings, take off work and take the family to a fun-filled fashion fall day.  It seemed like the perfect plan. I told my wife who woke up dying from the infection that the kids picked up from school last week (i got it 2 days before her) and she was game as she made loud trumpet noises blowing her nose. 

Stupid Squirrels

Its that time of year again:  when the beautiful green leaves on trees slowly begin to die and become a wonderful array of colors, as they fall from their homes to the ground, only to have children run and throw them all over each other in laughter and cheer. Who would have thought death can be so beautiful, yet fun!!  

It's also a time when we go to pumpkin farms to buy a pumpkin, take home and place on our front steps.  Scholars don't even know why we do this.  So there they sit; only to be eaten by squirrels and then rot and decompose.  And there they will continue to sit because nobody wants to touch the now gross, unwanted rotten juicy, lopsided and half eaten pumpkin, and throw in the garbage as it will sit and smell up the garage.  "GET AWAY SQUIRRELS!!" is what my children now yell when they see a harmless little squirrel looking for food, as year after year we have half orange and black decomposed pumpkins sitting outside our home. 

And that's where we be…

Who I will be voting for in the 2016 Presidential election and why

Political Dan is on the scene.  I have decided to unveil who i will be voting for in this year's epic 2016 Presidential showdown.  Is it the one-and-only Billary Clinton - who would be the first Woman American President, or failed-yet-very-successful-business-celebrity-mogul Donald Trump?  Just typing his name in the same paragraph as President is just so bizarre.  

Typically I would write out in my danny bart fashion as to whom i am voting for, however, i thought i would try something new and record myself in an epic video.

God Speed

The Crying Game

Way before Caitlyn Jenner made transgender cool, there was a little movie called The Crying Game.  This blog i can ensure you is NOT about transgender or Bruce Jenner or that movie (not that there is anything wrong with that).  No. Its about fucking crying and how my wonderful, adorable, princess-like almost-3yr old Ellie has now been recently diagnosed with Satan's Laugh aka Crying.  Please pray.

I wrote this wonderful blog about my (then) perfect little Ellie when she turned 1. but now....

The Chicken Bone Story

Its that time of year - Halloween - and this story fits perfect with the upcoming gruesome holiday...

Yesterday evening i was cooking dinner - yes this happens occasionally - as my wife was at work and i had the kids.  I was making a stuffed chicken breast with a spicy kale and corn concoction.  It was actually quite good but i did slightly overcook it due to my lack of skills using an iron skillet. Boo.  Anyways, as i was stuffing it, my daughter asked me the following question:

My ER Experience

For all the crap i've done over the years and put my body through, i can say i have been blessed to never really have an injury - that is until a month ago when i separated my shoulder attempting Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (BJJ). 

It was a Monday.  I was just about to start a new workout week as i have taken the  prior week off for vacation. I felt bloaty from the shitty food i had eaten and did not like myself.  I was pumped.  I saw new personal records being made and a few big races to destroy.  Some time off to give your body a rest is mandatory, in my greatly and awesome opinion (imgaao).  And so I noticed the BJJ schedule was a Monday this week.  It was the start of my 5th class - and free trial - and I thought ok, i can do Monday BJJ and then start my heavy lifts on Tuesday.  nuh uh .. wrong answer.  Little did i know that i would be in an emergency room till wee hours of the morning and out of the gym and out of commission for at least 3 months.  Booooo.. 

This is what real people w…

At the Playground. Ya knowww

The playground:  a place where parents walk around with their phones in hand resembling something from the Walking Dead as their child is either a) beating up another small child b) about to climb up the "fun" spider looking thingy that is clearly for kids over the age of 8 and yours is 3 c) dangling from a monkey bar that somehow they got the courage to get on but now is about to fall which is the equivalent to 3 stories to the small child or d) bloodied on the ground and crying. 

And as the parents think its "quiet" time as they relax on the bench -  that is setup to overlook their children playing instead of sitting their looking at their Facebook feeds - the child is ready to go down that slide that has been sitting in the hot hot sun since it busted up from the ground 7 hours ago.  That scorching hot plastic is about to burn the shit out of your child's legs but Jose - the dude you went to high school with 15 years ago and have not seen him since - just che…

Ava Strapped Herself in her CarSeat

The other day my almost 4 year old, Ava,strapped herself in her carseat for the first time yesterday all by herself.Not only did she do this but just prior she opened the car door to get in all by herself.Then closed the door and got in her car seat all by herself and eventually put on her seatbelt all by herself.All of this done for the first time – yes all by herself – and she could not be happier!

And while all this was happening, I was putting my 2.5 year old daughter, Ellie,in her car seat who suddenly decided she was a big girl and clicked in her top restraint of her car seat buckle – you guessed it, all by herself – and she could not be happier!

Prior to all this, Ava learned to get in and out of her “big girl” bed, put on her clothes, brush her teeth, get the bath ready and get in, goto the bathroom, get herself water and drink from a “big girl” cup with ease, and basically feed herself – all by herself – and she could not be happier.

And Ellie is now pooping on the potty – all…

SnowStorms and Why We Buy Milk, Eggs and Bread

As Washington DC prepares to get hit with the "storm of the century" (which really means only the last 16 years) and get a whopping 2 feet of snow, NYC is preparing for their "Snowmageddon" of 2016 with 5-8 inches.  Boo.  There are parts on my body that are bigger than that (dirty minds)  And as I type this, millions are hitting the supermarkets to buy everything required to open and run a small village. 

We live in NYC metro area where there are stores everywhere in walking distance.  If Target is open on Thanksgiving then why the fuck would it not be open for 5 inches of snow.  That is in fact there is a deeper meaning to all this... 

Out of all the necessities that people seem to need during a 5-8 inch SnowStock, the one that tops the list is milk. 

Why milk?