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Lying to Your Children About Christmas is the Greatest!

Imagine waking up and someone -- who looks like a bloated version of Tre's father from Boyz in the Hood, wearing a long Trench Coat Mafia looking coat with John Lennon type glasses that don't have frames -- telling you that the world we live in is actually a computer generated world using our energy and power to control it and everything that we know is fake.  That we are essentially nothing more but batteries. 

For the last 2 months, my wife and I have been basically telling our children a big fat lie about a big fat homeless-looking man dressed up in goofy looking clothes delivering gifts to all children around the world.  And when they find out the reality that this is of course not true, it will be a slap in their face - so much like having the bloated man wearing a trench coat and strange glasses tell us that the world we live in does not exist.  Keanu Reeves says it best:  Whoa. 

And as I continue to push my children down this rabbit hole, I think of the blatant but soooooo obvious lies I tell them so that they can be 1 simple thing:  Good

Where to even begin.. A fat man who lives in the North Pole (where is that?) with elves who make toys and has reindeer that fly.  A man who can deliver presents to all the children in the world, all in 1 night, disregarding time zones.  Is this even possible?  A simple google search will reveal the following:

But what about the simple fact that we don't have a real chimney; its gas.  Yet somehow Santa is supposed to deliver presents down the chimney.  Right. 

Also, knowing the fact that some strange fat alien being can "see me" when I'm sleeping is just downright creepy and scary.  Its also a bit pedophila.  What else can this Santa man see??

To make it worse, we have introduced the Elf on the Shelf to our children.  Yet another magical being that somehow breaks into your home and watches you to make sure you are good.  Then heads out to that fairyland place called the North Pole to tell the fat homeless man that you have been good.  But isn't Santa supposed to already know this?  Im confused.  (And as I type this, George, our Elf, is looking at me with those fucking creepy eyes)

Ask a child what Santa says and they will basically curse at you calling you a Ho 3 times.  Is this all Santa says?   My times have changed.  And all those songs about gay Christmas.  Seriously?

So as my oldest starts to ask questions, i just keep digging deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole.  

"How can Santa fit in our chimney Daddy?"

"No, Santa comes through our door"

"But its locked Daddy"

"Oh Santa has a key"

"Oh.  But does everyone have a key then?"


"Daddy, is that man Santa (pointing at a Mall Santa)?  He does not look like Santa. (he doesn't)"

"No, that is Santa's helper.  They report back to Santa to tell him what you want"

"But I thought Santa knows this already"



"Daddy, I want to marry Santa"

What the shit!?

You get my point. 

However, somehow all these lies work.  My children have NEVER been this good.  They are polite.  They don't fight as much.  They actually like us.  Its crazy.  And its all because every 7 seconds, I am yelling "Santa is not gonna bring you anything unless you GO BACK TO SLEEP!" or "Do you want me to tell George what you just said.  He WILL NOT LIKE IT!" or "If you continue to say no to me, i am going to tell Santa Clause personally to not bring you a Barbie Dream House!!!" or "Stop saying Ho Ho Ho.  Its NOT NICE!!"

The truth is we are probably scarring our children for life; i speak for myself.  However, if it gets them to goto sleep so my wife and I can have some Danny and Rosie time on the couch to catch up on the 34 shows that we are behind in, then soooo be it! 

I am actually worried what will happen AFTER Christmas is over and they have no more reasons to be good.  Hmm.. can we make up a story about Cupid and Valentines Day??  I'm on it. 

Merry Christmas!


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