Skip to main content

98 Steps on Putting My Children to Sleep

It's safe to say that I am not Mommy.  I do not know how to do half the shit that Mommy's - in particular my children's Mommy aka my loving and dear wife - can do.  But what i do know and I do do (is that even proper grammar:  do do) is bath time and bedtime.  I used to that shit good but somehow and somewhere shit got bad.  

Here are 98 steps that the Father (me) deals with on a nightly basis.  Some days are better than others but for the most part, this is how it goes down when putting my soon-to-be 2 year old and 3 year old to sleep.  Please comment up if you agree.  

98 Steps To Putting My Children To Sleep - a true story




1 - Mother and Father come home from work and play with their children.  Given the long day, the gym and anything else in between, this will result in approximately 2 hours of fun time before demons start to arise out of the children's shadows. 

2 - Suddenly it starts, the older child will be become crazy silly.  The younger child will follow the older child.

3 - Father will scold the older child for being silly.  The younger child will mimic the older child. A fight will ensue.

4 - After 5 minutes of fighting, Mother will come in and scream to bring back order.  Father and children will listen.

5 - The children, for reasons unknown, will suddenly become unruly and begin to throw tantrums over everything.

6 - Father will walk upstairs and turn on the bath indicating to everyone in the house that it is now the start of the bedtime routine.

7 - The children, now hearing the water running, will either a) come upstairs and cooperate or b) continue to run around like Satan has taken their souls.  Choose your own adventure time.

8 - To make the story more realistic, the correct answer is a) the children will come upstairs and somewhat cooperate.  The option b) well thats a separate blog in its own.

9 - The older child will come first.  The younger will follow albeit slower than her older sister.

10 - Father will be preparing the toothbrushes by simply moving them in arms reach and be sure that he does not 1) soak the brush in water 2) by any means touch the toothpaste cap 3) DARE TO PUT TOOTHPASTE ON THE TOOTHBRUSH

11 - The older sister will come in and approve the toothbrush situation.

12 - Father's heart will race in anticipation for her answer.

13 - The child will approve by picking up the toothpaste and attempt to put it on the toothbrush.

14 - Father will try to help as it goes everywhere.  The child will start to cry.

15 - The younger child will now ask to have toothpaste on her toothbrush and will also cry when Father tells her she is too little for toothpaste.

16 - The crying will be in sync.

17 - Father will now have to force brush his daughter's teeth because she will now refuse to brush herself because 1) she does not like her Father helping her with stuff 2) she's upset because she put too much toothpaste on the toothbrush 3) she now wants ice pops.

18 - The younger child, who is still crying, will now hear "ice pop" and suddenly stop crying to say "I Pop" over and over again.

19 - Both children will scream in sync when the Father tells them that it is bedtime and that ice pops should not be eaten before bed and then tell the story to them about how the last time they had ice pops for bed it was a complete bedtime disaster.

20 - The older child will scream she does not care about eating before bed and start crying about how she wants her Frozen blanket.

21 - The younger child will repeat.

22 - Father will stare at them in amazement and begin to wonder if his children have mental issues like schritzophrenia or are bi-polar.  He will suddenly begin to get worried.

23 - Mother, whom was cleaning up the mess that the children made, will come up and say "What the H-E-L-L is going on here".

24 - Father will tell Mother that he thinks we should get the kids heads examined. 

25 - Father and Mother will both threaten the children by stating that they will not be able to do whatever it is they had planned to do tomorrow if the children do not stop crying and screaming.  All 4 family members will know that this will not happen and the plans will still continue regardless of how bad the children are.

26 - Father will say "hey let's play with the bath crayons" in which both children will stop crying and then want Father to put them in the bathtub.  The older will do it herself and get mad when Father attempts.  Father will back off in fear of another meltdown.

27 - Bathtime will start with both children fighting over the red crayon.  Then the blue crayon.  Then the green crayon.  Father will yell at both children causing them to cry.

28 - Mother will begin getting the clothes and pajamas ready as well as other Mother duties that Father will never understand what or how they are done.

29 - The children will now draw all over the bath walls until the younger child begins to draw on herself and laugh.   Father will yell. 

30 - Seeing the enjoyment that this gives Father, the older will now begin drawing on herself.  Father will begin to lose his mind again and once again.. yell.

31 - Instead of crying, both children are now laughing hysterically as if the Father is a circus sideshow who's main talent is to scream and yell.

32 - Father will realize that he must look like a complete idiot and try to calm the uncontrollable laughing/overtired children.

33 - Father will wipe the bead of sweat forming at his brow.

34 - The children will then begin to splash as they laugh in which now the Father is getting wet causing him to yell.. again.

35 - The children continue to not listen. 

36 - Father takes the younger child out of the bath causing her to immediately cry for the Mother.

37 - Mother shakes her head in disagreement while she quietly folds her daughters clothes in the parent's bedroom.

38 - Mommy Mommy Mommy can be heard now from both children - 1 in my arms and the other in the bath while splashing and drawing on herself.

39 - Father will put the younger child on the floor and try to make her laugh by giving her "beard kisses" which is something the Father made up that is simply rubbing his 5:00 shadow on his daughters belly while yelling "Beard Kisses".

40 - The younger child will cry/laugh until she is dying in laughter.

41 - The older child will start to pretend she is a mermaid by "swimming" in the bathtub.

42 - Father will continue to make the young one laugh while he puts her diaper on and pajamas.

43 - Father will then yell "come on" to the older child.  She will not listen.

44 - Father will have to get the older child out of the tub.  He will first attempt by taking out the water stopper.  She will not budge.

45 - The younger child will run away from Father while he is attending to the older child and go into the Mother's room where Mommy is folding clothes nicely.  Within 2 minutes, the younger child will make the room a mess.

46 - Mother will come out with the younger child, with a face that will send Father to immediately get the younger child and take order. 

47 - Father will juggle both children as the older child claims she wants to put the towel on herself, yet cry when the Father does not put the towel on her; confusing everyone in the room. 

48 - Father will take the younger child into the room as the older child is now having a complete meltdown because she wants the towel to be put on her by Mommy, then Daddy.  No "I want to do it".  This will continue for 5 minutes. 

49 - Father will begin to get very angry and begin shouting as the older child is still standing naked in the hallway screaming that she is cold yet will not let anyone go near her. 

50 - Mother will take over and immediately the older child will somewhat listen and then want to be held. 

51 - Hearing the word "Held" will then prompt the younger child to say over and over again "Hold me". 

52 - Father will try to help but be pushed away as both children scream "Mommy".  Now the younger child will start to cry. 

53 - Father will sit on the ottoman with his hands in his face and his head down as both kids are screaming Mommy and climbing all over her.  

54 - After approximately 6 minutes the older child will come to and finally put on her underwear. She will then realize that she does not want this underwear and begin to cry. 

55 - Both parents will tell the older child that this is what she is wearing until the naked child is now screaming and crying that she does not want to wear this underwear. 

56 - After saying 3 Hail Mary's, Father somehow gets the unwanted underwear onto the older child.  

57 - The older child will then realize that the pajamas that she will be wearing for the night, is not the princess gown she intended.  Crying will ensue. 

58 - Mother will scream "This is what your wearing.  Enough".  But unlike J-Lo, this will not work.  The older child will continue to cry.  This time about things unknown like "i am not tired. I don't like hot dogs.  Where is my red jacket?"

59 - Meanwhile, the younger child is still climbing all over Mommy; not wanting anything to to do with the Father. 

60 - Feeling helpless, the Father will attempt to put on the unwanted pajamas.  This time the Hail Mary's did not work.  The older child is now in a Category 5 temper tantrum. 

61 - Mother and Father ignore it as they begin to read to the younger child.  That is - the Mother is reading to the younger child as the Father is not wanted by anybody. 

62 - Father tries things like "If you don't put on your pajamas, then we are not going {pick somewhere to go} tomorrow"  and then "If you don't put on your pajamas, you can't eat {pick a food} tomorrow" which then prompts the younger one to say she wants to eat {pick a food}.  

63 - Mother will calm the younger child who now wants to eat {pick a food} and distract her with a cool book. 

64 - The older child will continue to cry and Father will try the "If you don't stop crying, Santa Claus won't come" even though it is Summertime.  Somehow it works. 

65 - The older child is now obedient and puts on her unwanted pajamas.  Suddenly she is so excited about the pajamas and continues to say how great they are.  

66 - And just like that, she is now sitting nicely and ready to read a book going on about how cool her underwear is. 

67 - Father will attempt to read a book with the older child as she runs away screaming "Momma" - a clear indication that she is exhausted. 

68 - Mother will now have both children fighting to sit on top of her lap.  The younger child will begin to get very mad at this.  Father will sit in watch and once again feel helpless. 

69 - Father will say things under his breathe like "doesn't anybody want me", "what the hell can i do", "Oh i guess Mommy is the best".  The last one will get Mother to look at her now annoyed husband with a  look that will say "Knock it off or else you are not getting {Choose your demon}.

70 - Mother will have it under control as both children will sit quietly and listen to Mommy reading a book.

71 - Suddenly the younger child's attention span ran out and she is now off the lap and trying to play with the fake play house that Daddy forgot to turn off.  It begins to make noise.  The older child hears and now its suddenly "Play Time". 

72 - Mother and Father run frantically around the room trying to gather the children and turn off the unwanted noise coming from the make-believe-house. 

73 - The older child is now jumping in her bed screaming. 

74 - The younger child follows. 

75 - Both children are now jumping up and down in the bed screaming. 

76 - Father breaks bad and starts to scream - naturally. 

77 - Mother sits back and watches her husband, who has it all together, lose his mind over a 3 and 2 year old. 

78 - The loud noises spilling out of the Father's mouth have now gotten both children in a calm mood - or are now just completely scared out of their minds.  Nobody will know the true answer but the psychiatrist that the Father will clearly lead the children to as they grow in age. 

79 - Finally the room is calm and quiet and now its "tuck in time". 

80 - Immediately both kids scream "Mommy tuck me in" including the older child who can speak better than the younger but now talks "baby talk" which sends chills down the Father's spine. 

81 - Feeling unwanted once again, Father says "ok girls.  Love you so much" and attempts to kiss and hug both girls in their beds with not much feedback.  

82 - Father leaves the room as he turns the lights off leaving Mother to take the reign. 

83 - As Father walks to his room to take a shower he can suddenly hear what sounds like Poltergeist coming out his children's room. 

84 - Mother starts to get frustrated and raises her voice.   Both kids silence. 

85 - Mother leaves the room and goes down stairs with the baby monitor on and in hand. 

86 - Father takes a shower and heads downstairs when he is done asking the wife if the kids got out of bed 

87 - Mother replies with no real bother "Yes 3 times"

88 - Father sighs and helps cleaup the billions of tiny pieces of toys all over their once-beautiful wooden floors. 

89 - 5 minutes later, the Child's door opens and out pops the older child. 

90 - The younger child, whose crib is right next to the door, suddenly starts to scream "Ava" and then cries. 

91 - Mother rushes upstairs to calmly tell the older child that its time for bed. 

92 - The older child states that she is not tired. 

93 - 5 minutes later it happens again.  This time the older child is thirsty. 

94 - 10 minutes later it happens again.  This time the older child wants to brush her teeth. 

95 - For 25 more minutes this continues until Father finally loses his mind and once again shouts bloody murder.   The older child, fearing for her life, gets back into bed and does not wake up. 

96 - Mother and Father finally get to watch their favorite show - in particular the finale of the Bachelor Pad, which they are 2 weeks late on. 

97 - Just as Mother and Father toast to a wonderful day and family and Father apologizing for his crazy yelling antics, the door to the room opens. 

98 - Father has to now stop blogging to attend to his older child who is now requesting to have fucking pancakes.....  F F F F F F F F F F

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

My Justin Timberlake Experience .. and my shameful beer snob status

I have seen some great legends live in concert over the years.  Paul McCartney, Billy Joel, One Direction - to name a few.  But one in particular - Mr Justin Timberlake aka Justin Bart or JB as he goes by - was one for the ages. 

I got to enjoy this spectacular human with my beard wife Rose last night at the Prudential Center, in the city of dreams, Newark NJ.




The Perineal Massage..

My wife is approaching her 37th week of pregnancy.  Apparently, in your 37th week you are supposed to begin massaging your perineum.  "What's a perineum", you asked as so did i?  The perineum is basically the taint.  "Ahhhh.. ok.  I get it.  But massage it??", is what i asked.  Yes, massaging it helps with the pain when the baby crowns during childbirth.  "So just rub it or sumthin?" (in Chip Chipperson voice .. Opie and Anthony fans anyone??)  Not quite.. 
Here are the instructions on how to successfully massage your perineum:

The Christmas Glitter Bomb

Its that time of year again.  A time when people and family members that you haven't talked to, well, since last Christmas, reach out with open arms and send you their annual Christmas card.  We took part this year as we now have a newborn.  We both felt obliged to show off our little one to everyone on our wedding list and beyond.  It felt nice.  It's more of a hey-look-how-cute-our-kid-is behind a Merry Christmas message.  Regardless, our card was a simple photo that did NOT have a surprise waiting as you opened up the envelope. A surprise that jumps out at you and says "SURPRISEEEEEE!!!oh and merry christmas"  I'm talking about the glitter bomb.  You all know who you are.