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The Beard

My funny little take on the history of the beard..  Enjoy

The beard was invented in 656 BC by a Babylonian by the name of Ashurbanipal, or Ash for short.  Ash's half brother was no other than the King of Babylon, King Shamash-shum-ukin, or simply Sham.  

Sham and Ash didn't see eye to eye.  In fact, they hated one another.  For one, the King had everything and Ash had nothing; nothing except good looks, a charming smile and the ability to grow a beard.  Yes.  A beard.  

This is what facial hair looked like before Ash:

Exactly.  This is what parents would show their children to scare them when they would not listen.  

Ash turned it into an art and after years of growing, this was the result:

And just like that, the hipster movement of 656 BC was born.  Soon everywhere around Babylon, people  began to wear their facial hair in beautiful and mysterious ways.  Some of the most famous of their times:

Like everything that is awesome, eventually becomes awful.  And just like that, the Summer of the Beard of '56 was over and soon everyone was taking an axe to it.  Not long after,  the King killed his half brother and banished beautiful facial hair for 300 years.

It was not until year 0 that this man brought it back:

People respect Jesus for the wonderful and courageous work he has done as being the Savior and the saver of souls, but many forget he is actually the main reason why the beard is worn today. 

His beautiful long locks and perfect hair combined with his wonderful facial God-like follicles made people followers, not just of his beliefs, but of his look.  Not long after, many of his boys were sporting the look:


The original hipsters, as quoted by Jesus himself, walked the land and spread his ideology and teachings of God, as well as how to dress cool and pull off the beard.  It worked.  And for the last 2000+ years, the beard has been through many different in-and-out phases.  

For over 1000 years, nobody shaved and the result was something like this:

Disgusting.  This look took over for most of the 1000's millenium. It wasn't until the year of 1863, that the beard had a comeback-kid to mimic the look of Jesus.

Thanks to this man:
For the record, I would just like to state that Abraham Lincoln may be the scariest looking man to ever walk the Earth.  Just sayin'.

Anyways, thanks to Lincoln the beard was back and better than ever.  Besides the beard, Lincoln also attributed the top hat to the decadent style of the late 1800's.  Soon every man was sporting a beard and a top hat. 

{Little known fact:  tattoo sleeves were also a big thing of the time.  The difference was they were always hidden and never fully shown like today.  Jesus himself, had a tattoo.  It was the word "God" in Chinese letters on his ankle.  Not a lot of people know this. }

This all changed when the beard killer, aka King Camp Gillete, invented the safety razor with disposable blades in 1901.  Not long after, everyone was trying to shave because it was the cool thing to do.  Cuts and nicks were a common thing to see in the early 1900s, due to the incredibly, terrible blades that Gillete sold.   Most men walked around like this:

courtesy of

It was a very common site to see at the time. Kleenex and toilet paper made millions thanks to Gillete.  Men also began to lose confidence in themselves and as a result began to make bad decisions with their money in the stock market.  Many people believe that the razor was responsible for Black Tuesday - the start of the Great Depression.  Nice job Gillete.

Over the years, the razors advanced and less and less nicks were noticeable.  The "clean cut" look took over the world and beards were gone.  

Something disgusting started to happen:  Mustaches, the beards half brother, started to get popular.  Gross.  Only people over the age of 50 can pull off a mustache; today and ever!

Thanks to modern medicine, aka drugs, the beard got a "little help from his friends" and in the 60s, thanks to this man in the middle, the beard came back:

 The Beatles were the Jesus of our time and so, with the help of Maharashi, the beard came back in full swing when these fab 4 decided to take it back old school and grow some real facial hair

What is wrong with this picture? 

Which brings us to today.  10 years ago, only homeless men, my father, his brothers, and the guy who wants to be like my dad: Chuck Norris, had a beard.  Today, everyone under the age of 40 does.  I am not sure what happened.  The hipster movement is responsible for this beautiful force of nature, but it happened all so sudden. Jesus and his boys would be proud. 

Now back to the picture of the Beatles.  Good ol' Paul does not have a beard.  One can say it's a conspiracy and contribute to the stupid "Paul is dead" belief. Or, you can say Paul just can't grow a beard - at least then he couldn't. 

Which is where i come in.  I am the Paul of our times.  I never thought I would say these words, as I have never been a fan of the beard until now, but I am profoundly and deeply saddened that my flawless good looks cannot hold facial hair follicles as they should.  There i said it.  I admit defeat at life.  I.  Cannot.  Grow.  A.  Beard.  

I have always been on top of the game of style.  I have worn my hair in crazy different styles:  spiky, bowl cut, undercut, long and grungy and dirty, faux hawk, bleached blond, highlights.  Shit, i've even gotten a "body wave" to make it wavy when i was in 9th grade.  (i am not sure i ever revealed that about myself).  I have worn TERRIBLE clothes over the years and even started to rid of my beautiful metrosexual ways and turn more towards the ever-so-popular lumbersexual ways. 

Read all about this lumberjack phenomenon here:

But now for the first time, I admit defeat.  

For the last month, I have tried to grow it.  In fact, I even bought a beard trimmer thinking that the more trimming I do, it will allow more hair to grow in to fill in the missing spots.  Boy was I mistaken.  I look like a Chia Pet gone wrong. It's hideous and it's itchy and I hate it.  

But, I will not give up.  Like the founding father of the beard, he too once said, and I quote, "Thee who shall cannot grow the hair of men, shall rest down upon thee".  This obviously means to not give up and keep trying.  So therefore, I will.  I will not give up.  

So, if you see a gorgeous man from the eyes up walking down the street with something resembling this:

don't run.  He's just trying to fit in.  

What's next.. the bush!?



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