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Showing posts from 2015

Lying to Your Children About Christmas is the Greatest!

Imagine waking up and someone -- who looks like a bloated version of Tre's father from Boyz in the Hood, wearing a long Trench Coat Mafia looking coat with John Lennon type glasses that don't have frames -- telling you that the world we live in is actually a computer generated world using our energy and power to control it and everything that we know is fake.  That we are essentially nothing more but batteries. 

My Wife At Comedy Shows

Ok so this past weekend the unthinkable happened:  My wife and I got some Danny and Rosie time!  Yes.  It happened.  And it was awesome.  Did i say that we were kidless.  Yes.  It happened. 

For Rose's birthday I bought her tickets to see Brian Regan.  For those who've never heard of him,  should shut the hood of you car with your head in it.  He's a really funny comedian but this blog is not about him.  Its about the wonderfulness of my wife at comedy shows. 

A night out. Wow.  It does not happen too often.  Of course the one day that we are supposed to go out and have Danny and Rosie time, is the same day that our oldest daughter decides to get a runny nose and sneeze all day nonstop.  Yup. That happened too.  So it was only right that when my stepsister came over to watch the girls, we were out of that house faster than we can say Bless You after her sneeze.  Ok.  It actually took about 45 minutes to get out of the house with the crying for Mommy and Daddy but thats a who…

98 Steps on Putting My Children to Sleep

It's safe to say that I am not Mommy.  I do not know how to do half the shit that Mommy's - in particular my children's Mommy aka my loving and dear wife - can do.  But what i do know and I do do (is that even proper grammar:  do do) is bath time and bedtime.  I used to that shit good but somehow and somewhere shit got bad.  

Here are 98 steps that the Father (me) deals with on a nightly basis.  Some days are better than others but for the most part, this is how it goes down when putting my soon-to-be 2 year old and 3 year old to sleep.  Please comment up if you agree.  

98 Steps To Putting My Children To Sleep - a true story

Breaking news: The end of the world is nigh..

It will start off with a light drizzle - that annoying mist that leaves a layer of wetness on your face as you walk into work.  By mid morning, it will get heavier leaving tiny rivers on the edges of each street retreating as it make its way to the sewers.  

Then, suddenly, it will stop.  The sun will come out.  The birds will chirp and people will start the usual chatter.  "Those fucking weathermen are full of shit" - says one person as he walks out to his car leaving work early to the pending storm that is supposed to make way.  "Best job ever" says another to his friend about how weathermen get paid to be wrong.

The drive home will be busy because everyone expected a giant storm to come as predicted and decided to leave early to avoid it. But instead, the sun is shining, the weather is perfect and the birds are chirping.  A giant rainbow appears in front of the traffic jam making it worse with its cock tease to the thousands peering out their windows to take a pea…

Sizzler promo video from 1991: Holy Glorious Hell this is amazing!

When I was a teenager I was in love with the movie White Men Can't Jump.  Not sure why.  Maybe it was naked Rosie Perez, or the awful Momma jokes, or the way that Rosie Perez says Billy.  Whatever it was it does NOT hold up today.  Its god awful and every single basketball game they play there is nothing but traveling taking place.  Seriously.  In one scene Wesley Snipes takes like 7 steps before passing the ball to Woody Harrelson.

Why am i talking about White Men Cant Jump?  Well, because in that movie they sing the "We going Sizzler.  We going Sizzler" song after a hustle and winning money from a basketball game.  I have a clip for your viewing pleasure.  This is not the greatest video ever..but just a sample of what men do after making a basket in basketball.  The greatest video ever is to follow. Be patient. 

True Detective: What the f$&k is going on!

A year ago we were swept away in what was one of the most original and bizarre, yet entrancing and addicting show since Lost.  That show was True Detective.   Matthew was so good, that I am starting to think (especially watching his car commercials) that he was not acting and this is just his normal self.  Regardless,  it worked and it was AWESOME!
This year, we have a whole new cast and a whole new story.  Definitely not the Carcosa we remember from last year. 

I don't even know where to begin.  Actually I do.  This picture is where i start:

Why?  Because its in every fucking shot!  Seriously, there should be a drinking game whenever you see an overhead shot of Los Angeles or wherever the hell they are!  And so I will continue to flash this picture throughout this blog to annoy you even more - like the show.

The Great Usher Debate

There has been a lot of talk in the Bart household due to the following lyrics to Usher's song I Dont Mind:

Shawty, I don't mind if you dance on a pole
That don't make you a hoe

Let me first state the obvious of what is wrong with this statement:  

For the record, "pole" and "hoe" don't rhyme.. like ever.  Even if you say "if you dance on a poe, that don't make you a hoe", as Usher sings it,   now the meaning changes to some weird Edgar Allen Poe fantasy fetish like the dreadful TV show "The Following".  Weirdarama.

Bruce Jenner: Going Bruce

Once upon a time there lived a young boy named William Bruce Jenner.  He liked to run, play sports and wear his mommy's panties.  He would later grow up to be the "world's greatest athlete", the husband to the matriarch of what is known as the Kardashian family, and eventually become a woman.

For people above the age of 50, Bruce Jenner was everything a man wanted to be.  He was handsome, got chicks, was chiseled and was a phenomenal athlete.  Asking someone over the age of 50 who Bruce Jenner was, will ensue into a 5 minute talk about how great of an athlete he was and "god dam he gotta lotta chicks!".

For anyone between the age of 30 and 50, Bruce Jenner is known as the stepfather of Kim Kardashian and then, the wife of Kris Jenner - in that order. This person would have for sure heard the tall tales of how great Bruce was in his early life. But he/she will also know that Bruce is on that show with Kim and her family.  This person will also know that Bruce …

But Why?

My daughter has now gotten to the age where she needs to know the answers to everything in life.  She is constantly questioning everything and anything.  About 80% of the time, I dont have a clue how to answer her; simply because I dont know the answer my self. It's at this age I've learned that I am a complete idiot who knows nothing but somehow got by to succeed in life. 

Some examples:

Ava:  Daddy, why do dogs bark?

My inner thought:   Christ on a pony, i have no frikking clue.

Me:  Well, that's the way they talk to each other. 

Ava:  But it always sounds the same.  Why?

My inner thought:  Thats a good frikking question!

Me:  It's not really the same.  Doggies hear different than us so they can tell the difference.

Ava:  But why?

My inner thought:  Google "why do dogs bark when i get home"

Me:  Thats a good question.  I dont know.  (puts head down in shame)

Ava:  But why?

My inner thought:  Ouch


Me:  Come on Ava, put on your panties. 

Ava:  But I don't want to. 

Fashionably Profiled

Not too long ago I had the opportunity to go to Vermont with some awesome dudes for a bachelor party and got to experience a whiskey drinking, poker playing, axe throwing, cigar smoking, mountain riding, food eating, slingshot flinging, backyard luge running, deck burning, hot tub overflowing, story telling, phallic cake consuming, guy bonding, and most of all memory making; in that exact order.

Windshield Wipers and how they suck at life

There are 3 important things in a car that you need to survive:

BrakesSteering WheelWindshield WipersThe latter may not seem like something that is life saving by any means, but think about it; it's entire purpose is to clean the windshield so you can see.  Without it, driving would be very difficult. 

Meet Mary Anderson: