Skip to main content

2014 Annual Thankful List - 10 amazing sh*t im thankful for

The time has come for me to blog about the shit I'm thankful for while sipping a glass of wine in hopes that it will act as a form of digestion aid to fix the 10,000+ calorie food-eating-binge session I did earlier.  And as I'm typing this I am realizing that it is not working. I am not thankful for this.

But what I am thankful for this year is the wonderful things that my ever-so-loving-and-amazing wife Rose does for us.  Without her I would be on the streets doing card tricks or trying stand up at South Street Seaport or trying to rap over my guitar while sitting outside a store collecting money.   Not that there is anything wrong with these.  I just don't want to do any of those things.  Ever.

This year was a good one and I'm thankful for the usual:  baby wipes, extra strength diapers, mini toilet seats, naked Barbie dolls, Frozen and that fucking song, the new fascination with Disney that my 2.5 yr old has found and the loathing I have for what's to come,  the wine that I am about to refill as I type more, the 35 minutes I have to write this so that I can watch 22 Jump Street with my wife after a looongggg day while she cleans up the rest of the mess in the kitchen, my famous $3,432 couch that now has spitup and snot marks all over it on a daily basis, Fisher Price's Little People and how that name should offend real little people, our 4 new additions to our family:  Cookie the stove, Fridgy the refrigerator, Dishy the dishwasher and Micro the microwave whom all had a HUGE part in todays wonderful festivities and finally the fact that my children finally stopped yelling and crying in their room as I type this.

Instead of the usual, I decided to give a little thanks to my life.  I hope you enjoy...  

  1. On a dark and stormy night, sometime in 1972, the legendary Al Bart, then a young buck, walked into a bar, saw a woman he knew he had to be with and beat up the man whom she belonged to.  That man was Chuck Norris.  That woman was my mother.  Im thankful for this.
  2. Around 1974, the epic woman named Arlene, my mom, gave birth to a soon to be legend.  He was everything that my parents wanted; except he was missing one thing:  a brother.  Thanks Mom and Dad for thinking that my brother needed an awesome brother to learn from.
  3. Sometime in 1977, there were over a million sperm trying to reach one particular egg.  They all failed except one.  One awesome one.  That is me.  I'm thankful for the other million dummy sperms that failed to be awesome.
  4. In 1978, a young Dr who will remain nameless for legal purposes, had his hand bit off after trying to remove me from my mother.  I bit so hard and would not let go.  I didn't want to leave that warm cozy place.  Finally, after hours of debate, I gave in after being talked down and given a cookie.  Thank you for that cookie.  I like it here.
  5. In 6th grade, my teacher told me that I would end up in jail at 18.  Well, I proved her wrong.  It was actually 16 after getting caught with a beer in the park with some friends and they brought me in the station cell to scare me.  I'm thankful for her getting it wrong.  Jail as an adult would SUCK!
  6. On a dark and stormy night, sometime in 1999, the legendary Danny Bart aka me, then a young buck, walked into a bar, saw a woman he knew he must have and beat up the man whom she belonged to.  That man was Chuck Norris.  That woman was Rose, my wife now.  Not only did Chuck Norris lose 2 fights in his lifetime and also to the same gene pool, but he is also a pedophile.  I'm thankful for this.
  7. On August 26 2011, millions of tiny Danny Barts raced to my wife's most treasured places - the Uterus.  The greatest little Danny Bart of all time planted itself in good ol "Utey".  That person became my woman clone, Ava.  I'm thankful for this.
  8. On Valentines Day of 2013, there was plenty of wine being shared between my wife and I.  Later that night there was another million man march to "Utey" resulting in Rosie's little clone, our second daughter, Ellie.  I'm thankful for that delicious red wine.
  9. The other night my 2 yr old was having a breakdown because she wanted her mommy to give her a bath and not me.  Then decided she wanted me and not mommy.  Then changed her mind and wanted mommy again.  It got bad.  Shit started moving across the room and there was a moment when her head spun around.  We called a young priest and an old priest.  I'm thankful for those Fathers.
  10. I'm thankful for Google telling me that there is nothing wrong that my youngest daughter does nothing but smile and laugh all day long at every single thing.  Thank you Google for reassurance. 
BONUS:   And finally I'm thankful to you for sharing this terrible, unfunny, annoying blog!  

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

My Justin Timberlake Experience .. and my shameful beer snob status

I have seen some great legends live in concert over the years.  Paul McCartney, Billy Joel, One Direction - to name a few.  But one in particular - Mr Justin Timberlake aka Justin Bart or JB as he goes by - was one for the ages. 

I got to enjoy this spectacular human with my beard wife Rose last night at the Prudential Center, in the city of dreams, Newark NJ.




The Perineal Massage..

My wife is approaching her 37th week of pregnancy.  Apparently, in your 37th week you are supposed to begin massaging your perineum.  "What's a perineum", you asked as so did i?  The perineum is basically the taint.  "Ahhhh.. ok.  I get it.  But massage it??", is what i asked.  Yes, massaging it helps with the pain when the baby crowns during childbirth.  "So just rub it or sumthin?" (in Chip Chipperson voice .. Opie and Anthony fans anyone??)  Not quite.. 
Here are the instructions on how to successfully massage your perineum:

The Christmas Glitter Bomb

Its that time of year again.  A time when people and family members that you haven't talked to, well, since last Christmas, reach out with open arms and send you their annual Christmas card.  We took part this year as we now have a newborn.  We both felt obliged to show off our little one to everyone on our wedding list and beyond.  It felt nice.  It's more of a hey-look-how-cute-our-kid-is behind a Merry Christmas message.  Regardless, our card was a simple photo that did NOT have a surprise waiting as you opened up the envelope. A surprise that jumps out at you and says "SURPRISEEEEEE!!!oh and merry christmas"  I'm talking about the glitter bomb.  You all know who you are.