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The Official UnOfficial What to Expect When Your Expecting Handbook PT1

When you hear those magical words "I'm pregnant" thousands of thoughts pop in your head like: Can I still sit on the couch with my hand down my pants or Can I still walk around the house nude or, the obvi, Can I still perform puppetry with my penis to my wife every Sunday night?  

As you may have guessed the answer is: of course you can.  That is, if you want your child to grow up just like you.  Sure.  Why not.  But the real question that people have is "What can I expect?" 

This is where i come in.  Babies dont come with a handbook..until now. 

Here is the unofficial what-to-expect-when-your-expecting guideline and how to prepare. 


SLEEPING

Odds are your child will sleep in your room with you for the first couple months.  If your a man and your wife is breast feeding, you may think your off the hook.  Your not.  Babies are loud. Even when they are not crying.  They make all kinds of grunts and Gremlin noises all night long. Here's how to prepare:

  1. Goto your local Chinatown.
  2. Ask for Mr Wing. Every Chinatown has one.   He will look like this:
  3. Ask him for a creature called a "Mogwai".  He will know what you are talking about
  4. Take the creature home and put it in a shoebox in your room.
  5. Then, after midnight, feed it 
  6. Attempt to sleep while it 'silently' sleeps along side you. 
Bonus:  Get it nice and wet and see what happens. 


If you decide to put that little one in their own bedroom before they are on a regular sleep schedule, then look no further..   Here is how to prepare for that:

  1. Set your phone's alarm to the most annoying sound ever.  (if you dont own a phone with an alarm then you should not have children)
  2. Adjust the alarm so it goes off every 15 minutes.
  3. Try to sleep as the wonderful noises from your phone alert you. 
Bonus:  Dowload this app.  Its perfect for soon-to-be parents.  Or anyone stupid to download it. 

Unlike adults, a child cannot simply fall  back to sleep after waking.  This is known as the phenomenon:  "Babies".  When you have "Babies" you just cant go back to sleep unless someone holds you for 5 hours while rocking you and singing bad songs.   Its a proven fact and its a terrible disease to have.



Here's how to prepare for "Babies":

  1. Get a large bag of flour
  2. Empty some of the contents so it is not filled.  This will make it uncomfortable to hold. 
  3. Put on your heater to 80 - even if it is summer
  4. Cradle the bag of flour
  5. Walk around your home with it for 3 hours
The heat in the home will emulate the heat that the baby gives off.  You will be sweaty and you will not be happy.  The "Babies" disease is a bitch to have. 

PARENT TIP:  If you are pregnant and someone tells you to "get all the sleep you can now", punch them in the face.  Hard.

MESS

Your beautiful home that you spent thousands on to make it look your own will no longer be your own.  It will now belong to your child.  Everything you have will be replaced by pink princesses and blue monsters.  That beautiful big couch that you spent $2,783, that you got on sale during Memorial Day 7 years ago, and even named Cindy, will now be the placeholder of boogers, cheerios and mysterious objects that you can't claim. 

But here are some tips on how to prepare for the mess thats to come:

  1. Take every single item that you own and throw it on your floor
  2. Scatter it so you cant walk around without stepping on something, hurting your feet in the process
  3. Wait 10 minutes. 
  4. Clean everything and put it exactly where it belongs
  5. Repeats steps 1-4 all day long. 
Bonus:  For shits and giggles, take some crayons and color your walls. 
Extra Bonus:  Dont use washable crayons!


INTIMACY

Gone are the days of 12 hour sex sessions and non-stop all day cuddling while spooning on your $2,783 couch that you got on sale during Memorial Day weekend 7 years ago and watching Breaking Bad marathons.  In are the days of sneaking away to "tell each other secrets" while your little ones are conveniently playing on your $2,783 couch getting boogers and cheerios all over it. 

Here's how to prepare:

You will need the following:

  • Stopwatch
  • tissues or rags
  • good ears
  1. When you are ready click Start on the stopwatch
  2. Grab your lover and sneak quietly to another room; preferably a closet if handy. 
  3. You have 2 minutes
  4. Listen intently for noises.  Complete silence means your child is doing something very very bad. 
  5. Clean up your mess.
  6. WASH YOUR HANDS!!!
  7. Repeat as many times needed


TV 

If your child is a good sleeper, than your entire purpose of living after 5PM is to try to get your child to bed by no later than 9PM.  This ensures that you will have at least a few hours to watch the shows that are near and dear to you.  

PARENT TIP:  Get blackout curtains.  This will make the room very dark making the child think it is a nightime.  Genius.   

Never mind spending thousands on tv sets anymore.  You won't need the fancy sound systems or beautiful colors that newer tvs have.  The TV will simply be your child's other friend.  Also, a very useful item when you are cooking or need to have some "alone time" in a closet for 2 minutes.  

For parents-to-be, here is how to prepare for whats to become of your television experience. 
  1. Get Netflix.  Its 8 bux a month.  Seriously people.  Its 8 bux a month
  2. Goto the "Kids" section of Netflix.  You will know what i mean when you turn it on. 
  3. Begin watching shows like Sofia the First, Daniel Tiger, Winnie the Pooh, Jake and the Pirates and Madagascar.  
You will need to know everything there is to know about these characters because it is all they will know.  And if you decide not to let your child watch TV, then every one of their little friends will think that you have the nerdy weird kid who doesn't watch TV. 

If you cant afford Netflix, then you shouldn't have kids.  But if you cant, then watch Nick JR all day long.  My personal favorite is Yo Gabba Gabba.  This show will teach you that your wife's dildo sings and dances when it is alone it is drawer and not being used.  Very entertaining with songs that will stick with you all day long. 

PARENT TIP:  It takes "baby steps" to get your child to watch awesome movies with you like The Goonies and Back to the Future.  Be patient. It will happen. 

CLOTHES CHANGING

If your going to be one of those parents who want to put their child in 45 layers of clothing, think again.  That shit is a bitch to get on and off.  Here's a newsflash:  Babies shit themselves and have to be changed.  This happens quite often when they are infants.  It will take you approximately 10 minutes to put all the clothing on and another 10 to take it off.  Good luck with that. 

Here's how to prepare:
  1. Goto your local Asian Fish Market
  2. Get an octupus
  3. Take him home and attempt to put a onesie on it.
  4. Once you got a onesie on it, now try to put some pants on it
  5. Ok, your doing good.  Now try a shirt.
  6. Awesome!   Now put on that bad ass cardigan.
  7. Got it?  Sweet!!  Now put on those socks
  8. Almost there.  Now put on the shoes.
  9. Exactly.  Your still on step 4. 

Another simple way to prepare is to buy a connect-the-dots book. Remember those?  And do the entire book. You'll know why when you see that all newborn clothing consists of buttons.  There are no numbers on these buttons.  Its fucking impossible to figure this shit out.  Prepare for this by getting the connect-the-dots books NOW!! 

Simple buttons is what makes this ensemble come together.  Nobody knows who invented this. Not even scholars.  



They make fun and exciting connect the dot books now.  But don't worry.. after a child you'll only be practicing this for 2 minutes in a closet while listening to your child "playing"

COMPUTER

I am typing this blog because both of my children are asleep.  While i am typing this, Star Trek 2 is streaming on Netflix on my big beautiful 50 inch LED.  I am also sitting on booger infested pillows on my $2,783 couch.  I would NOT be doing this if my children were awake.  It would be impossible. 

If my oldest child was awake, she would be saying "puter puter" and would not stop touching the keyboard as I desperately try to keep her away.  

Then, she would somehow win and instead of me typing this blog, we would be looking at puzzle games on abcmouse.com.  

5 minutes later, she would be bored of abcmouse.com and she would want me to change Star Trek on my telly and want to watch Monsters University.  I cant complain because I really like that movie.  So that would go on and she would sit on our booger infested couch while her nose is running and add more boogers where needed.  

I would then try to continue typing this as she would take notice.  She would then run over to me and start trying to touch the keyboard again.  

I would then get mad and my blood pressure would raise, increasing the risk of a heart attack.  I dont want to have a heart attack.  Therefore, this computer is hidden when she is awake.  Simple as that! 

No way to prepare for this. Im sorry.. your fucked!!

PARENT TIP:  Delete your cookies and history on your computer.  The last thing you want is your child thinking they are going on youtube only to find out they are on youporn and learning what mommy and daddy do when they "tell secrets" for 2 minutes in the other room! 

TO BE CONTINUED....

Enjoy and share this to every single person you have ever met in your life!  

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