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Terrible Twos: The Sh*tty Masterpiece (literally)


{Disclaimer - Before i begin, I just wanted to state that in order for me to post this my wife made me state the following:

Ava has been doing much better with potty training since this incident and has already peed on the potty numerous times 6 days in a row.  As for poop.. well we are getting there but this will never happen again! 

In order for me to get my wife's blessings to post this, I had to put this disclaimer.  Please continue reading now.. }


Our daughter has picked up a new habit:  taking off her entire clothes including her diaper at any given time of day.  She did it once in front of my brother and nephew.  She tried to do it in my father's yard while we were chillaxing having a bbq.  She's a complete nudist.  But thats not the worst part. 

Sometimes she thinks its fun to pee when she does this.  This would be phenom if she was doing this near a toilet.  But she is nowhere near one.  Perhaps she thinks shes a dog and is marking her terrirtory.  I dont know.  Luckily, she has never pooped while derobing.  That is..until the other morning... 

{cue horror movie music now}



The other morning my wife, god bless her soul, walked into our daughter's room (they share.. dont judge) where she found a masterpiece where the entire room was the canvas and her shit was the paint.  Yes.  You read that right.  Her shit was the paint. 


There was poop everywhere.  On the rug.  On the crib.  In her hair. On her face.  On the diaper genie.  It was something from a horror movie except instead of blood and gore, it was shit.  Luckily, there was none in her mouth.  I just vomited in my mouth at the thought.  And none near Ellie (my younger 7 month old) or her crib.  



Rose played surprisingly triple C (cool, calm, collective) and assessed the shitty situation at hand. Ava immediately was sooo happy because she "put her poopie in the garbage".  What this translates to is "she took her poop out of her diaper and put it on top of the Diaper Genie".  From what Rose told me, there was a huge mound of poop sitting on top.  What a good girl!! - says nobody

What to do in this situation?  Do you:

a) Congratulate her for putting her "poopy in the garbage"
b) Put her face in it and say NOOOOO,  like one may do to a dog
c) Crawl into a shitty corner and cry

I probably would have done all the above.  But my wife's face pretty much said it all.  Without saying a word, Ava quickly saw dismay in her eyes and started to say "oh no Mommy.  I do bad. Oh no Mommy" and then tears formed.  (Note:  Rosies tears formed way before Ava's did!)

Is our girl this smart that we dont even have to yell or punish her?  She just knows?!   Apparently not.  Because if she was that smart she wouldn't be treating her shit like it was playdoh.  



So straight to the bath Ava went while Mom cleaned up the entire room.  I believe she said it took an hour.  Ava cried and kept saying sorry.  I dont know if this is the part of the blog that im supposed to write "Awwwwwwwwwwww poor thing" or "treats her right".  You guys can pretty much answer that.  

So what do you do in a situation like this?  Do you punish her?  Ground her from playing with her castle and princesses?  Dont let her watch Monsters University or soon-to-be Frozen?  Hide the iPad and our phones from her for a week?  

The answer is simply No.  You do nothing because she is 2 years old.  She doesn't know any better - well until now at least.  This is like when your buddy does something extremely immature and you say to him "What are you 2?" because its obvious that a 2 year old would be this stupid to do something .. well this stupid!  


So here is Ava's punishment.  I know that in 12 years or so, she will be at that age where we are "stupid and annoying and embarrassing".  So, to combat this, I will make sure that this blog post NEVER EVER goes away.  It will be part of the Archives of the Lost Bart Chronicles.  Someone will find it and someone will certainlty make sure she knows.  It will forever haunt her.  Nice try Ava.  Nice try. 

So future Ava, please love your parents or there will be more of these to come!!!!

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