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Winter Storm Survival Guide

Its that crazy time of year when it suddenly gets cold and snow comes.  This is called Winter.  Somehow people forget that this happens once a year in December to March.  Sometmes we actually get colder-than-normal weather in November and even snow around Thanksgiving.  I know.  Its NUTS!  I forget this myself but I get reminders of this from the people I work with who will sit around and discuss the storm thats coming or how crazy cold it is "and it's only November".  Then I hear chatter about how if its soooo cold already in November what will it be in January!  (OMG face)  I also get reminded of this crazy phenomenon known as Winter from Facebook.  People just cant seem to get over the fact that it is cold out and that when its cold, instead of rain, we get snow.  I know.  This is absolutely fucking crazy.  I cant believe that it does this either!  

These same people also take to the streets to get their supplies.  For some reason, before a storm, the roads and stores are extremely packed as if there is only 2 more shopping days until Christmas.  Everyone has this urge to pick up massive amounts of toilet paper, water, milk, canned goods, soda, paper towels, napkins, etc as if North Korea and Russia have tagged team in a nuclear orgy and are now sending rockets our way.  It's all unneccessary.  

So to prepare for the storm i have created a true survival guide on how to survive a winter storm. I apologize in advance.  I am a father of 2 girls under 2 years of age and that will clearly reflect in my list.. 

Here is the real shit that you need when you are "snowed in" for a day (2 weeks to others)

Winter Survival Guide

  1. Batteries - If the child's toy batteries fail then you fail as a parent and you will have to listen to them scream and cry as you run around the house taking batteries out of your TV remote to juice up that talking Princess Castle that sings annoying tunes from bad cartoons.  If your a single girl than batteries are also a must for those lonely days. 
  2. Charged iPads, iPhones, Kindles or anything else that makes noises or plays shit.  This is required because if the power goes out then you are stuck making monkey noises and hopping around like a bunny to entertain a bored, whining child.  And if these products are not charged then Mommy can not record Daddy performing these stupid acts and viciously post it on Facebook for all to see and laugh at. 
  3. Diapers - Stupid to list as every single parent on the planet seems to have boxes of these lying around but DONT be an ass.  Check that shit (literally) before its too late.  Who wants to have a child wrapped up in old newspapers leaving brown and green trails around the house.  Yes, i have a newborn and that shit is green.  
  4. Kill the lights - Trick the kids into thinking its nighttime.  Then get their asses to sleep at 2PM so you can enjoy a Scandal or House of Cards marathon! 
  5. Coffee - Duh.  Its cold out.  Your home.  Their are kids running around your home as you are "trapped" and cant go nowhere.  Stock up on caffeine. 
  6. Peanut Butter - the main essential to every household.  Eat it.  Smoke it.  Lube it on squeaky faucets.  Finger paint it on your walls for fun.  Its a universal tool.
    this is NOT my child but Im envious
  7. Percolator - Not the song but the original way to make coffee that was used way before Mr. Keurig decided to ruin coffee with their simple 25 second cup coffees that they charge 75% more per cup (i did the math).   The percolator requires 0 electricity and should be a part of every household... or a French Press (fuck the French)
  8. Blankets - Because whats a snowed in day without a bunch of blankets thrown all over you while you catch up on your favorite shows.  Save money on electric and lower the heat.  Its not that cold in your house!  
  9. Shovel - The obvi!  I live in a townhome so they shovel for us as we sit back and put our feet up sipping our coffee with 4 blankets on us while our newborn sleeps and Ava runs around the house like a maniac as Yo Gabba Gabba plays to us on our TV!  Just another day at The Barts. But if you dont pay an exuberant amount of money per month for this wonderful service and since kids dont leave the house anymore to play, let alone shovel to make money, you better get one. 
    Absolutely nothing to do with shovels but i just thought this picture was great. 
  10. Car Snow Removal - In regards to #10.. they do NOT clean our cars.  Its essential to get a car brush thingy because we learned, or i should say I learned, the hard way when everything was all nicely shoveled and i had to use a shovel to clean my car off.  Polock
  11. Alcohol - If you dont have kids then your number 1 priority should be to get hammered.  What else is there to do.  I would be lying if i said that I will engage in some spirits when the kids are asleep.  Which brings me back to #5 - KILL THE LIGHTS and get those kids sleeping!
  12. Condoms - What better time to "get together" then during a storm.  How do you think we got where we are today! Ava's name should be Irene and Ellie should be Valentine. Protection is a must.  Think before you sink.

Survival is a must during these dreadful storms. I hope I was able to provide some help.  Pass this on to anyone who just bought 400 lbs of toilet paper and tissues.  Good Luck!


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