Skip to main content

My Jury Duty Experience

I had the privilege that every American citizen gets the opportunity to serve - Jury Duty.  Unfortunately I can go to jail for discussing my experience.  Jail sucks.  I dont want to go there. So instead, I thought of telling you a wonderful story about a bunny named DJ..

Once there lived a bunny named DJ Trab.  He had a job.  Payed his taxes.  Drove a fancy car and shopped at JCrew Bunny.  He had a gal bunny in his life named RM.  She was a stay at home bunny who loved to take care of their baby bunnies that were hopping all around their wonderful burrow.

One day, after a lonnngg day at work, DJ got a notice in the mail.  One that made him wince in pain.  He can feel the 25 carrots that he had eaten from his big lunch churning inside his belly. On top of the pile of mail was 1 lonely envelope that shouted 2 words:  HOP Service. 

It is the right of every bunny to be able to hop freely wherever they feel.  The fore-bunnies that founded this bunny village worked hard to make sure that this wonderful privilege stayed in place. Occasionally some of these bunnies don't like to follow these simple rules.  These people are known as Bad Bunnies.  When Bad Bunnies are caught they are sent to a place called The Pet Shop.  

Before one is sent to The Pet Shop, there is a system in place. A system that was created to make sure that all bunnies are treated equally.  A system that makes sure that Bad Bunnies are not considered Bad Bunnies until proven so.  This system is called PETER; named after its founder Peter Rabbit.  

To make sure that Bad Bunnies follow Peter, there is something called Hop service.  This service is a hearing of sorts, in which chosen bunnies are put in a small hole to discuss what the Bad Bunny did wrong.  In this hole there is the Bad Bunny and his representative, known as the Hare.  There is also another Hare to try to prove that the Bad Bunny is, in fact, a Bad Bunny.  The overseer of this discussion is known as Roger Rabbit.  Roger Rabbit is in charge of the room to make sure everyone follows the rules of PETER.  

Now back to DJ.. DJ dreaded this HOP service.  It was tiring and painful.  But as every bunny must do, he took off work and attended service.  If he didnt, then he can be considered a Bad Bunny and someone may be attending HOP service for him.  

He arrived on time and checked in.  He sat down with the other bunnies.  There were so many different kinds - brown bunnies, white bunnies, gray bunnies; even gold bunnies which he hasn't seen to many of.  All these different bunnies had all different kinds of interests.  So keeping the bunnies quiet was a task.  

A nice bunny came in to discuss what our HOP service would consist of.  Immediately, this nice bunny, known simply as P, became a problem.  She talked down to the other bunnies making them feel smaller than they are.  DJ wondered just how many carrots she was paid to do this job to be so bad at it.  P set a bad stage as to whats to come. 

After orientation, there is nothing to do but wait.  Wait for them to call your name to be called to a hole to discuss a Bad Bunny case.  So DJ did just that; he waited.  He opened up his mini iHop in excitement knowing that today can be the day he can finally finish the Hunger Games Trilogy (a human being movie!!!).  DJ loved to read about human beings.  He found them to be wonderful creatures.  So he hoped and hoped that his name would not be called so he can finish his human book.  

After about 100 pages and only 15% left of his book, he took a quick break to update his WhiskerBook status:  HOP Service again... uugghhhh  #feedmepoison

At 10AM it started:  The names were called.   After a few minutes and many unfamiliar names called, DJ sat back and relaxed as his name was not one of them.  This continued for another hour and every time DJ sat up and stared at the dirt ceiling speaker, he prayed to Rabbit that his name was not one of them. 

It was almost lunchtime and DJ was starving.  He was not looking forward to the disgusting carrots that the HOP service provided.  Suddenly, the speakers went off.  DJ assumed it was for lunch.  But no.  More names.  He stared at the speaker when he heard it:  DJ Trab.  FUCK thought DJ and made his way to the hole he was to report to while updating his WhiskerBook status:  I just got called.  #iwishiwashuman

He met around 65 other bunnies at the elevator.  He quickly knew that this system was flawed as all 65 bunnies had to goto the same place and there were only 4 elevators that were to handle the 100s of other bunnies that worked here.  Ding.  The elevator door opened.  15 or so went in.  The rest waited.  DJ was one of them.  Finally, 10 minutes later he was in an elevator..already frustrated and hating life.  The elevator went down and stopped on each level as other bunnies anticipated going down on other levels.  Of course, these bunnies couldn't because the elevator that DJ was in was filled.  This immediately reminded DJ of that funny human movie Elf, when that Elf human pushes all the buttons in the elevator and it stopped on every floor.  DJ chuckled a bit out loud and a grey bunny looked at him as if he was a human. 

Finally, floor 11.  DJ and his other HOP mates hopped in uniform to the hole that they were to goto.  They waited patiently for another 10 minutes as the hole opening was closed.  Finally, a bald bunny officer came out to tell the other bunnies that Roger is not yet ready.  The bunnies waited another 20 minutes to finally go in.  DJ was very hungry at this point. 

Each bunny finds a seat on the very uncomfortable benches that one would see in a Rabbit church. DJ found a packet of papers on his seat.  He, along with all the other bunnies, reviewed this packet of paper filling the hole with loud paper shuffling.  The papers were filled with questions; personal questions.  Some that DJ would never answer in front of anyone but maybe his wife RM. 

Suddenly, in comes Roger.  Roger wore a very sad face but tried to hide it by making strange movements with his mouth to look tougher than he was. He wore glasses like White Rabbit and his whiskers were very very long.   Roger spoke to everyone in a very very strange way.  Sometimes Roger's words were confusing and other times they were loud - when it didnt need to be.  Other bunnies looked at one another in confusion as if speaking in mind - 'is this Rabbit serious??'.  Roger spoke to everyone in the room as if they were in grammer school.  He repeated things multiple times and made sure that you forgot what it is he was originally talking about as he would go on 15 minute tangents about nothing.  DJ was confused.  Everyone seemed confused.  

Roger spoke about something about the privilege and why DJ and the other bunnies are there and why HOP is so important. He then talked about the case of the Bad Bunny.  He did it so quick that DJ didn't remember what the actual case was about.  Instead, DJ remembered all those unnecessary things that Roger talked about like: 15 minutes on making sure that you say your last name and your last name initial when asked a question, very awful examples of what would excuse you from HOP service (for example, your mother is dying and will die if you are not there). 

DJ couldn't believe what was happening.  Finally, we were to break for lunch.  There was no HOPpers picked yet.  Roger was still going over - DJ didn't know. 

DJ and the other bunnies left the courtroom in which he tried to convey another fellow bunny to talk about Roger.  The other bunny didn't say much and walked away.  DJ knew to keep this to himself.  

After lunch, DJ was to return with the other bunnies to the same hole as before.  He got a seat and waited for Roger to return to the hole.  Everyone had to stand on their hind legs when Roger walked in and sit only until he told the others to.  Of course he waited a little longer than he should have.  DJ sighed.  

Once seated, Roger was right back to his condescending ways.  DJ wanted out of this case but didn't want to say that he was biased or racist towards other color bunnies.  He didn't want to lie so he opted out of raising his hands to certain questions that he knew would get him excused.  

Finally, after 3 hours, half the HOPpers were selected.  DJ's name was not called on Day 1.  He was to return the next day at 9am to continue the service. 

The next morning, DJ returned to the same hole.  Of course he and the others had to wait.  There were new bunnies that were currently in the room with the existing HOPpers, the Bad Bunny, the Roger and the Hares.  These new bunnies were to fill the bunnies that were excused the day before.  

After another 30 minutes of waiting, DJ and the others were let in.  The room was filled and there was limited space forcing other bunnies to sit very tightly on some benches.  Roger began his charades of making sure that everyone in the room knew that he is the Roger and that it is his hole.  This took another 15 minutes.  Finally, more HOPpers were being selected.  

After about an hour all HOPpers were selected.  Now came the uneasy part.  Each HOPper had to stand and answer very personal questions that were asked by the Roger Rabbit. This process took FOREVER and revealed to DJ that the current burrow that he lives in is terrible and that he and his family need to move to another burrow ASAP.  

These last 4 hours seemed like an eternity for DJ.  He immediately thought of him being in the white van that was falling off the bridge in the human movie Inception.  It took approximately an hour and a half, in human movie time, for that van to hit the water.  Within that time, days had passed.  DJ thought of Leo and his people scurrying around in his deep conscious trying to find a way out.  It was then he heard it... 

TRAB?  TRAB?  Although, the bunny didn't say Trab.  She said something like:  Trab-ah-sa-witz.  Immediately, DJ rose and asked "I'm sorry but did you say Trab?".   The bunny looked at DJ and then looked down at the cracker with the names on it.  "Yes, I'm sorry.  Trab is what I meant."  DJ froze.  His tiny brain moved a million hops a minute.  He quickly heard the words of Roger stating that if you say Yes to the first question then you will be excused; no questions asked. 

DJ hopped to the area he was told to.  Roger then asked DJ his full name.  "DJ Trab", stated DJ.  Roger then asked the following question:

"Do you feel that you cannot give a fair and impartial decision as a HOPper?"

"Yes, your honor"

"Thank you very much Mr Trab. You are excused.  Please report back up to the ground level."

DJ tried to hide his grin as he hopped out of the hole and back to the elevators.  He quickly texted his wife and told her the news. She was ecstatic.  He then went back to the check-in area and handed his ID to the bunny behind the counter.  The bunny then told him that he is excused for the day and that his services were over.  HOLY RABBIT!!  I'm FREEEEE.  


All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.


Popular posts from this blog

My Justin Timberlake Experience .. and my shameful beer snob status

I have seen some great legends live in concert over the years.  Paul McCartney, Billy Joel, One Direction - to name a few.  But one in particular - Mr Justin Timberlake aka Justin Bart or JB as he goes by - was one for the ages. 

I got to enjoy this spectacular human with my beard wife Rose last night at the Prudential Center, in the city of dreams, Newark NJ.

The Christmas Glitter Bomb

Its that time of year again.  A time when people and family members that you haven't talked to, well, since last Christmas, reach out with open arms and send you their annual Christmas card.  We took part this year as we now have a newborn.  We both felt obliged to show off our little one to everyone on our wedding list and beyond.  It felt nice.  It's more of a hey-look-how-cute-our-kid-is behind a Merry Christmas message.  Regardless, our card was a simple photo that did NOT have a surprise waiting as you opened up the envelope. A surprise that jumps out at you and says "SURPRISEEEEEE!!!oh and merry christmas"  I'm talking about the glitter bomb.  You all know who you are.  

The Perineal Massage..

My wife is approaching her 37th week of pregnancy.  Apparently, in your 37th week you are supposed to begin massaging your perineum.  "What's a perineum", you asked as so did i?  The perineum is basically the taint.  "Ahhhh.. ok.  I get it.  But massage it??", is what i asked.  Yes, massaging it helps with the pain when the baby crowns during childbirth.  "So just rub it or sumthin?" (in Chip Chipperson voice .. Opie and Anthony fans anyone??)  Not quite.. 
Here are the instructions on how to successfully massage your perineum: