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Showing posts from 2014

2014 Annual Thankful List - 10 amazing sh*t im thankful for

The time has come for me to blog about the shit I'm thankful for while sipping a glass of wine in hopes that it will act as a form of digestion aid to fix the 10,000+ calorie food-eating-binge session I did earlier.  And as I'm typing this I am realizing that it is not working. I am not thankful for this.

But what I am thankful for this year is the wonderful things that my ever-so-loving-and-amazing wife Rose does for us.  Without her I would be on the streets doing card tricks or trying stand up at South Street Seaport or trying to rap over my guitar while sitting outside a store collecting money.   Not that there is anything wrong with these.  I just don't want to do any of those things.  Ever.

This year was a good one and I'm thankful for the usual:  baby wipes, extra strength diapers, mini toilet seats, naked Barbie dolls, Frozen and that fucking song, the new fascination with Disney that my 2.5 yr old has found and the loathing I have for what's to come,  the …

47 Shades of Ava

I look at my youngest daughter Ellie, who is now 1, and smile thinking that maybe this one will turn out ok.  This is in reference to my older daughter, Ava, who is now 2.5.   For the record, I never thought I would refer to my children as 1/2 ages like 2 and a half but its important because its like a light switch went off when she turned 2 and a half and become, well,  fucking nuts!

As her mind is maturing and my greys are getting more noticeable, we deal with 47 shades of Ava. You never know which one you are going to get and they change drastically throughout the day.

A year of Ellie: A Princess Story

I have another daughter.  Yes.  A beautiful little girl that smiles and giggles and is little and petite. Her name is Ellie.  Ellie Danielle.  Danielle for me, Daniel, but the feminine version.  Its what I was called all my life by boys who teased me and what people who speak Spanish call me now:  Danielle.  Whatever.  It was only fitting that our second daughter would have my name instead of Rose's name as her middle name.  Truth be told, she is a clone of my wife.  And Ava is a clone of me.  Ava looks identical to me and her middle name is Rose.  So therefore you can see how my Polish roots are already playing a major role in my family and their naming.  Like I said, its only fitting that they are named this way.

But back to Ellie Danielle.  Yes.  I have another daughter.  Ava has a sister.  I have never officially blogged about Ellie.  I have of Ava.  A lot.  But never Ellie.  In fact, I have only mentioned her in 8 blogs of mine ( I counted ).  For those keeping track at home,…

RIP Scott, the iPhone 5 -- My best friend

On September 2, 2014, at approximately 11:14PM, in Wildwood Crest NJ, I dropped Scott, my iPhone. I dont have a case because im cheap.  I have dropped it many many times before and never ever had issues ---- HOWEVER, on this 1 particular evening, after a few beers after the kids were passed out and i was playing 500 rummy with the wife while laughing and talking about memories passed, i dropped my phone flat on the main screen.  As I picked it up i noticed the glass peeling back and shattered into tiny little pieces - like my soul.   

It is now day 5 and I have lost Scott, my best friend.  I realized that during our time together we have experienced a lifetime of love and happiness.  I could not be more happy with a friend like Scott.  He was everything to me. 

When I needed to check out the weather in Iceland,  Scott was there.  When I needed to check out the latest nude pics of Scarlett Johannson, Scott was there.  When I needed to get on Netflix in a hurry, while my oldest daughter A…

Holy Fit! - Ava's first attempt at cursing

You can learn a lot about the words you say around the house through the mouth of your 2 year old daughter.  

Terrible Twos: The Sh*tty Masterpiece (literally)

{Disclaimer - Before i begin, I just wanted to state that in order for me to post this my wife made me state the following:

Ava has been doing much better with potty training since this incident and has already peed on the potty numerous times 6 days in a row.  As for poop.. well we are getting there but this will never happen again! 
In order for me to get my wife's blessings to post this, I had to put this disclaimer.  Please continue reading now.. }

Our daughter has picked up a new habit:  taking off her entire clothes including her diaper at any given time of day.  She did it once in front of my brother and nephew.  She tried to do it in my father's yard while we were chillaxing having a bbq.  She's a complete nudist.  But thats not the worst part. 

Sometimes she thinks its fun to pee when she does this.  This would be phenom if she was doing this near a toilet.  But she is nowhere near one.  Perhaps she thinks shes a dog and is marking her terrirtory.  I dont know.  Lucki…

23 Reasons Why Dads Rule

I've recently thought about how great we as Dads are.  So I compiled a list of some of the phenomenal things we do for our family.  I am sure each and every Father can relate to this.  Your welcome Mothers. 

23 reasons why Dads rule:  We can move heavy furniture around to get dropped toys that so conveniently fall behind hard-to-reach placesWe can open baby food jars that are hard to openWe can reach objects in high places that are hard to get.We can carry heavy thingsWe can remind the Mother that the baby is crying and needs to be changed, fed or is due for their napWe can keep the couch warm for the Mother while she is running around like a lunatic with the ChildWe can be sure to keep track of the location of important things like the TV remoteWe can post adorable pics of the Child on Facebook and other social media networks and be sure to tag the MotherWe can test the food that the Mother makes for the family and check for flavor and temperature and save a little for the Child an…

Stories From a BMW Service Waiting Room

I recently had to get my tire serviced at my car dealership.  Its the second time now in 4 months that ive had to get my tires replaced.  Luckily, i have tire insurance or it would cost me easily 300 bucks a pop.  Here is where I should write that I have a BMW.  I am not bragging. Its a car and its used. Booo.  But I'm telling you this because NOBODY tells you that these cars cost like 17,000 to repair.  This includes the tires!  Luckily I have another 28k on my warranty AND i actually paid for a tire insurance plan. Who knew that shit would actually help me! 

The Official UnOfficial What to Expect When Your Expecting Handbook PT1

When you hear those magical words "I'm pregnant" thousands of thoughts pop in your head like: Can I still sit on the couch with my hand down my pants or Can I still walk around the house nude or, the obvi, Can I still perform puppetry with my penis to my wife every Sunday night?  

As you may have guessed the answer is: of course you can.  That is, if you want your child to grow up just like you.  Sure.  Why not.  But the real question that people have is "What can I expect?" 
This is where i come in.  Babies dont come with a handbook..until now. 
Here is the unofficial what-to-expect-when-your-expecting guideline and how to prepare. 

Ellie's First Words.. can you guess what they are??

Recently our little 5 month old Ellie has been a chatterbox.  It sorta happened out of nowhere.  I dont blog about her too much because, in all honesty, there is nothing to blog about her. She is just perfect.  The complete opposite of Ava.  Not that Ava is not perfect, of course she is but just in her own way. Besides, what would be funny about writing about how perfect Ellie is.  That would be a booo-fest of a read. 

Ellie does nothing but smile.  Nonstop. Its sickening.  In fact, as i am typing this she is smiling at me, craning her neck in my direction, while my trophy wife, Rose, is trying to get her to goto sleep for the night.  What can I say? She loves her Daddy. 

Our Disney TV Show Concert Experience

Today I got the pleasure of taking my almost 2 year old to see Jake and the Pirates and Sofia the First "live" in concert.  I put a quotation around live because its not like the cartoon is really alive.  Instead its just real people lip syncing and dancing in front of a cartoon screen. Boooo.

It was actually quite epic.  NOTTT (in Borat voice) 

We have done this one other time and that was epic.. 

8 movie/tv moments that make real men cry

Some men cry at the birth of their first child, the reading of their wedding vows, news that their in-laws are staying over for the weekend, that Obama won re-election, or when the TV breaks.  But here is a real list that gets me every time..

Sh*t I'm Giving Up For Lent

Lent begins with dirty foreheads and ends with easter bunnies.  But somewhere in between, for 40 days, people give up bad habits.  Some people give up fast food.  Some porn.  Some soda.  Some waxing their banals.  And some people give up giving up shit - the latter being me!  
But this year, I've taking a stand and decided that it is time that i partake in this 'giving up' bullshit.  So I thought long and hard and felt that, after being titled Father of the Year and Husband of the Year by my amazing wife, I thought it was only right that I give up these titles for Lent.  I mean.. i cant be too picky now.  It's not always about me.  

With that in mind, here are 8 things that I will sacrifice for Lent:

My Jury Duty Experience

I had the privilege that every American citizen gets the opportunity to serve - Jury Duty.  Unfortunately I can go to jail for discussing my experience.  Jail sucks.  I dont want to go there. So instead, I thought of telling you a wonderful story about a bunny named DJ..

Once there lived a bunny named DJ Trab.  He had a job.  Payed his taxes.  Drove a fancy car and shopped at JCrew Bunny.  He had a gal bunny in his life named RM.  She was a stay at home bunny who loved to take care of their baby bunnies that were hopping all around their wonderful burrow.

One day, after a lonnngg day at work, DJ got a notice in the mail.  One that made him wince in pain.  He can feel the 25 carrots that he had eaten from his big lunch churning inside his belly. On top of the pile of mail was 1 lonely envelope that shouted 2 words:  HOP Service. 

It is the right of every bunny to be able to hop freely wherever they feel.  The fore-bunnies that founded this bunny village worked hard to make sure that this …

Winter Storm Survival Guide

Its that crazy time of year when it suddenly gets cold and snow comes.  This is called Winter.  Somehow people forget that this happens once a year in December to March.  Sometmes we actually get colder-than-normal weather in November and even snow around Thanksgiving.  I know.  Its NUTS!  I forget this myself but I get reminders of this from the people I work with who will sit around and discuss the storm thats coming or how crazy cold it is "and it's only November".  Then I hear chatter about how if its soooo cold already in November what will it be in January!  (OMG face)  I also get reminded of this crazy phenomenon known as Winter from Facebook.  People just cant seem to get over the fact that it is cold out and that when its cold, instead of rain, we get snow.  I know.  This is absolutely fucking crazy.  I cant believe that it does this either!  

These same people also take to the streets to get their supplies.  For some reason, before a storm, the roads and stores …