This year there are so many things to be thankful for. Of course the obvious - my amazing wife and my 2 AWESOME girls. They are my rock and I would have no material to write about without them so THANKS!!!
Then of course my parents who gave birth to an amazing, phenomenal man - ME. Thanks guys!!
Then to the second funniest man I know (behind me) my brother Steve Bart. I am thankful for his wonderful brews that he brings me in need and the fantastic Dogfish beers he will be bringing me in a mere 3 hours! Woohooo. THANKS!!
And to the 60,000 eyes that have seen my blog in the last couple years - THANKS, but now share that shit to other people. WTF!!!!
Ok.. now to the list.
- First and foremost, my wife's uterus, Utey, pulling out another no hitter with our new daughter. You did a swell job this year. If your owner allows me, I would like to let you work again, perhaps one last time. We shall see.
- I have billions of sperm but i would like to personally thank 2 of them who travelled through the day and night, without food or water, clothing or shelter as they made the treacherous, dark and dangerous journey to my wife's uterus. Job well done boys.. i mean girls!
- Krank Systems - without you my sperm would be bumping into walls and getting too tired to make the long journey. So THANKS Krank!
- The birth of my second child, Ellie. All jokes aside, I am COMPLETELY grateful and couldn't be happier to have 2 girls so close in age. It will be challenging, painstaking and I may lose all my hair and get fat during the process but thats what makes it fun. So THANKS!! I may be taking this thanks back in 15 years when all 3 girls - my wife and 2 daughters are all perioding at the same time fighting about hair product, sharing clothes and boys while Jacob, the 18 year old next door neighbor, is beeping outside our home for Ava. FML
- Blackout Curtains - We recently tricked Ava into thinking it is midnight all hours of the day by putting these bad boys up. I highly recommend it if you want your child to sleep past 6am
- Walter White - Thanks for making amazing television. You will be missed my Baby Blue. Ps - please oh please dont let 'Better Call Saul' suck assholes..
- Baby Wipes - We can send people to the moon, objects to Mars and objects outside of our solar system, but we cant figure out a better way to clean our asses!! Regardless, thank you Baby Wipes for trying!
- For the Pilgirms who left overtaxed England to come to America and slaughter every single person that was already living on this land. Oh.. THANKS for the dinner you had prior that we now call Thanksgiving!
- Starbucks - I have written numerous blogs about the experiences I have in your stores but somehow I always find myself back. It must have something to do with that fantastic black elixir you call coffee. THANKS!
- Cindy Crawford - Thanks for the wonderful couch that you have put your name on that is sitting so comfortably and cozy in our living room. It has enjoyed the company of many and will continue to for many years. We even call it Cindy so THANKS!!!
- Our ottoman - lets just say its for personal reasons..
- Kanye West for making the cheesiest music video EVER. It looks like a bad Budweiser commercial gone wrong.
- And then Seth Rogan and James Franco making this masterpiece:
- How I Met Your Mother ends this season and this should make me sad. However, after watching the worst season EVER I think its time to see it go. But.. thanks for the phenomenal years of great laughs.
- And speaking of TV shows, thanks Dexter for killing the most annoying character in the history of television. You could have did without the whole sequence of events that made me laugh - parking your boat in front of a hospital as if if you have a handicap sticker, walking into the hospital and into your sisters room that nobody is monitoring ( i get it a storm is on the way but come on), killing her with again nobody watching the monitors or listening for beeps that go off when you unplug shit, carrying your sisters dead body out of the hospital and into your boat with not one living soul seeing this, throwing her overboard and then setting sail towards the storm as an apparent suicide but then showing up later wearing lumberjack clothing in some cold location. BOO
- Dexter again for not making me want to move to Miami. Its apparent that the Miami county has WAYY too many serial killers and with the "death" of Dexter I can only imagine how many will prevail.
- Dexter again for showing that Florida has the worst hospital system in the US. Please, if you have a loved one that lives in Florida, please pay to have them come to NY if they need to goto a hospital for whatever reason. Shit - even stitches.
- The thousands of stuffed animals that have taken over my home.
- The hundreds of children's book that lay scattered on my floors
- The wet paint effect that spit up leaves on anything it touches. Parents will know what I mean.
- When I decided to try to start my own Monster Squad after watching the movie as a kid by making fake detective badges. The monsters never came. :-(
- J.Crew for making me looking fantabulous.
- Yo Gabba Gabba for putting my child into a daze for 22 minutes allowing us to get shit done in the house. (dont judge)
- My daughter Ava, who is finally waking thanks to the awesome fake-out black out curtains, allowing me to write this beautiful list of shit that makes me happy. Thanks!!