"Don't worry. I got change", is what I heard come from his mouth..
Where do I begin?
I had just gotten home from getting my hair did. My side part aka side Bart aka The Bart was looking good and I was feeling good. My wife was going out with the girls so that meant it was Ava and Danny night! Woohooo!! Nothing worse than walking around with the shirt you got your hair did in. It's itchy and uncomfortable. So before our walk, I changed into my Biggie shirt, a pair of Jcrew seersucker shorts and some green flip flops. I was looking snazzy I must say.
|Now thats HOT|
I decided I would take Ava to the Starbucks in the Stop and Shop across the street from my development. The two of us made car and motorcycle noises as we made our way across the street to the shopping center. We passed under a couple trees that seriously had about 100 birds going cray, like Kanye, in it. It was raining poop from under the branches. Somehow we survived and were poop free; at least I think so.
We were just passing Staples when we saw a man and 2 young boys holding containers in their hands. The young boy, maybe 6, says to me, "Would you like to donate to the boys and girls club", in a well rehearsed way.
I said, "No I'm sorry." and quickly tried to get away. The boy then says to me, "Biggie Smalls. Sweet". I smiled and felt like the coolest 34 yr old around.
My smile got even bigger when another person passed me not too long after and said "Sweet shirt".
As we approached Stop and Shop, my genius daughter starts saying "Pumpkin. Pumpkin. Pumpkin" about 100 times as we pass them. I say genius because I'm a proud father who is supposed to say this shit. Shut up.
We get in to Stop and Shop. I approach the Starbucks to get my coffee. Immediately someone says "Biggie. Awesome." I cant help but smile as I nod to the onlooker as he passes me. I get my coffee, all smiles, and proceed outside.
A person is on his phone, sees my shirt and says "Aww shit. Nice shirt brotha". I say "Thanks" and walk away feeling like a million bucks. I realize then that its the first time in 16 months that I am actually getting more attention than Ava while we are together and it feels PHENOMENAL!
Because I am feeling good, I decide to give the 96 cents in my pocket - my change from the Starbucks iced coffee because why wouldn't they just charge you 4 cents less so you don't have to break a dollar. Why? Because they want you to fucking tip those piece of shit "baristas" who hate everyone but themselves. And while I am on it, why the FUCK is iced coffee more than their hot coffee. The fucking iced coffee has less coffee and more ice. Why am i paying for fucking ice!!!??? And why do i still have to go to that little area to pick up my coffee. Can't they just hand it to me where I paid? Especially since I am not even at a real Starbucks!! - Sorry about that. Where was I..
Ok so I'm feeling good and as I pass the Boys and Girls Club promoters, a very, very, young boy - probably aged 3 - says to me "Yo. Why dont you gimme money for dem Boys Girls". I believe that my 16 month old daughter could have made it more clearer as to what he was trying to sell. But I am a smart man and know by the huge Boys and Girls Club on his jug that 1 - he is trying to raise money for the boys and girls club of america and 2 - its completely legit.
I drop the 96 cents into his gigantic jug that is bigger than him. I then stare at him waiting for him to say thank you. Because I am a new parent and I want to teach my kids the best, I say to him "Can you say Thank you?" in which he just looks at me as if I stole his bike. The man (I'm assuming his dad?) says "Say alright now" in which the boy looks at him and then me and says "I-ighht".
I start to walk away, confused, until a group of women block me as they get harassed by the other boy (the one who said to me "Biggie Smalls. Sweet") saying something about "giving dem change". All the women walk away without saying a word except one. She, like everybody, says the classic line "I'm sorry I dont have any change". 99.9999% of the time this line works and you can simply walk away and go about your life. However, this 1 time it did NOT work.
The man says to the lady, "Change? Ma'am you need change? Don't worry. I got change". I chuckled out loud as I passed. I believe my daughter even let out a little laugh. I walked very very slow to hear the lady say "Umm. Yes. I need change". The man then said "Change of a 20?" He then takes a wad of cash out of his pant pockets. I believe the lady had no choice but to get change of a 20. I have no clue what she gave him. I was long gone at this point.
Who the hell asks if you need change for a donation?? The Boys and Girls Club of America does!
What I've learned today: If you want to get more attention than your child by men and women of all different colors, races and religion, then wear a Biggie shirt. It works!