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The Crazy Category Scale - Why do woman want to touch, eat and bite my baby?

Have you ever walked down the street and saw a stranger walking an adorable dog.  As you approach you do that doggy voice and make that stupid face and squat down to the dog's level and attempt to talk in a language that a dog would, i suppose, understand.  Then after the dog starts licking you and loving you, you realize that the owner is just staring at you as if you are a fucking asshole.

You walk away and say to yourself, or whoever you are with, "What a fucking asshole that guy was".   You continue about your day until you encounter the next adorable looking dog that you just haaavvve to get down on your knees and speak dog language while completely disregarding the owner as you stop him on his routine.  This owner, however, is nicer and talks to you.  So you strike up a conversation:  "What's the dog's name?  He's soooo cute.  Oh its a girl.. my bad.  She is soooo cute."  

This can go on for a long time.  Especially if the person who is talking to the dog, or the owner, is my wife. 

Now take this exact scenario and apply it to a baby.  The same rules apply.  You have a crazy woman spotting you walking your baby about 30 yards away.  Immediately the face drops and that stupid face develops.  You think to yourself 'Oh please.  No.  I just want to goto Starbucks in peace'.  You look to your right and left.  There is no way out.  She's getting closer.  'Should i just turn around?', you think.  10 yards away and she is now doing the baby voice speaking in baby language.  'My daughter doesn't talk like that', you think to yourself.  And then it happens..

"OH MY GOD.  She is absolutely beautiful.  What's her name?  How old is she?  Is she talking yet?  Why does she look sad?  How come she is not talking?  Look at her face.  I can eat it.", says the crazy woman. 

This goes on for what feels like eternity. 

Do you know this scenario?  Because I do and it fucking happens EVERYWHERE i go.  It's now i finally realized why the asshole dog owner who is not saying a fucking word to me or my wife when we say how cute their dog is.  I also realize that I have now become that fucking asshole.  

It's not that I dont like people.  I love people and I love to talk. However, there is a time and place.  Waiting in line has now become a chore for me, answering 100 questions about my baby and getting schooled by mother's whose kids are now older and know everything about motherhood.  It sucks.  I try to be nice but sometimes i know that i look like that fucking asshole dog owner who just wants to go about his day but he cant because some other fucking asshole is delaying him talking to his dog.  Well, that dog is now my Ava.  And since dogs are like babies she doesn't have an idea of what you are saying.  So when you say you want to eat her face and bite her cheeks and squeeze her chubby legs, thats just fucking weird and creepy.  Please let me be. 

Here is the official "Crazy Category" scale that I have developed to explain this process better.  It may be more important than the Homeland Security Scale:

Cat1 - This person could give a shit about you, your baby or the ground you walk on.  They hate life and don't even look in your direction.  This person rules. 

Cat2 - This person looks in your direction, makes eye contact with you and your baby and smiles. Occasionally, they may say something like "Oh shes so cute" but will continue walking by you.  This is probably the 'normal' person.

Cat3 - This woman loves babies and has to let you know. As you pass her she will try to stop you and tell you how cute your baby is.  She will get down to the baby's level and speak baby language.  She will also ask you 100 questions about your baby and parenthood.  A true fucking annoying but loveable Bitch.

Cat4 - This is the woman you can see coming from 50 yards away.  You can clearly spot them out.  They are usually walking a baby, as well, sometimes 3 or 4.  They love kids and will do anything in their power to exhibit this to you.  Forget about trying to get away.  They will find you.  This woman will immediately ignore you and talk to your baby.  She will start touching your baby's fingers and even try to squeeze the baby's cheeks as you flinch in despair.  She will provide tips on parenthood and ask you lots and lots of questions on how your baby is developing.  This is a true fucking annoying asshole.  

Cat5 - I've only experienced one so far in my life.  It was treacherous.  I have even blogged about it (click here to read).  The only way to describe this person is that she is fucking crazy.  Loving parenthood is an understatement.  They want to hold your baby and make believe it is theirs.  They will tell you what you are doing wrong as a parent and tell you everything negative you dont want to hear in the sweetest possible voice you can imagine.  Somehow, they are conniving and you actually feel yourself liking this person until you realize that she now has your baby in her arms singing it to sleep.  WTF!   Stay away from the CAT5.. they are fucking trouble!

Parenthood rules!


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