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The Breast Epidemic

Mardi Gras, Opie and Anthony's WOW promo, Woodstock concerts, topless strip clubs, mammogram checks, South Beach, Sophia Vergara - What do all these have in common?  You guessed it:


Theres a strange fad that has been taking the world by storm.  A fad that women feel enticed to bare their breasts to the public.  This phenomenon is all over the streets, in the train stations, bus stops and on the bus, at Target, Chipotles, in the car, in traffic, shit even at work.  You've seen it and you know exactly what I'm talking about. 

This phenomenon, which is not by any means phenomenal, is BREAST FEEDING IN PUBLIC.   

I'm not sure when this became cool but it is everywhere i look lately.  Perhaps, its the beautiful sunny weather that is causing woman of all shapes and sizes, colors and races to pop out their milk-induced-not-so-attractive breast and stick it in a fussy baby's mouth or some hip actress decided that she was way too important to put a sheet over her while her baby sucked down on lunch.  Regardless, it's a boob.. just sitting out in the open!  

Men go through so much in life to get a chance to see this and here it is right out in the open!!  All those years of hiding dirty magazines in the trees behind the library 3 blocks away from my house in fear that my parents would find it (true story) could have been avoided today by me just taking a quick walk to Target and waiting in the baby section! 

A funny story... (i think)

I recently went to Chipotle.  It was a Thursday at 2:00 and of course there was a line around the corner.  It's then I say to myself "why didn't I just order via my iphone App.  Ughh".  

I wait in line and play on my phone.  It's then I notice it.  Somehow, in between checking my Facebook and Instagram and getting a few moves on  Candy Crush and texting my darling wife, I see it.  It's like it was calling my name in a very sexy voice,  "Danny.  Oh Dannnyyyyyy.  Look up. Look up."  And as I look I see a half eaten burrito, lonely, looking up at its eater saying "please eat me".  But instead, it's eater is too busy putting it's one-time beautiful boobie inside a baby's mouth.  

I stare.  I can't help it.  It's just right out in the open! This is what men do or maybe just me.   One time a 70 year old woman bent over in front of me.  Her shirt was really loose as were her boobs and one popped out.  I stared and couldn't help it.  I think I got caught.  It was weird.  I know.  Maybe I have problems or maybe i'm just a man.. or maybe that is the problem. i dont know. 

So, after 15 seconds of me staring; ok maybe 1 minute, she looks up at me with a face she would give a man for staring at her boobies.  "Bitch, your the one that has your titty sticking out in a Chipotle for fucks sake", is what I wanted to say to her.  But instead I put my head down in shame and continued playing on my phone occasionally looking up at this horror/beautiful picture.  It's then I look around and I see the entire restaurant - is Chipotle a restaurant?    I dont know - doing EXACTLY what i'm doing.  It's then I giggle to myself and think "This baby is going to have the worst gas ever later and will NEVER sleep after what it just ingested from Mommy"  Gotta love Chipotle!

I got nothing against breast feeding.  Shit, I got a whole blog post about my wife's experiences with it (it was pretty epic.  click here to read)  I just don't understand the need to do this in public. 

{Cue America the Beautiful song}
These women who do this in public - and im sure someone reading this is one of them - are the same women who criticize a nip slip on TV and call the FCC, the CIA and the FBI to have the network and boob slipper fired and shunned from society. Shame on you public breast feeders!!  Shame on you!!
{un-cue music}

Moral of this story:  Eat more Chipotle. 



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