Skip to main content

Babies vs Dogs - The epic battle

As my daughter turns 13 months, I cannot help but compare her to a dog.  Let me preface this by saying that I dont think my daughter is a dog but she shares many similarities with the behavior as one.  I don't own a dog but many people I know do and I can't help but think this. 

Oh shut up and read on to see what I mean! 

Here is a list of the battle of babies vs dogs.  See how they compare.


  • They enjoy the same toys.  From little fishies that squeak to giant bones both will play with anything.   They will also contain the same amount of slobber when one is done playing with it.  Winner: Dogs - they will play with the same toy for hours where a baby has a new favorite toy every 7 minutes.  
  • They will eat ANYTHING.  Like a dog, my daughter will eat anything, anytime, anywhere.  My daughter once crawled across the entire house for an old cheerio that was laying on the floor.  True story.  Winner:  Babies - a baby doesn't jump up on the table and eat the Thanksgiving turkey.  
  • Speaking of food.. they will eat ANYTHING OFF the floor.  Both will scour the floor, day in day out, in search of something that can fit in their mouth.  They don't know or care what it is.  They just know that it is edible.  If you want to have your floors cleaned all the time, then get a dog.  Otherwise get a broom because your baby will find that piece of corn that fell off of her butt that she was eating in her high chair from 3 weeks ago and think that it is lunch again.  Winner: Dogs - they clean your floors... on purpose!

  • They both can provide enough drool to feed the Duggar family.  I once wrote in a blog that there should be some kind of way to filter out this drool so we can use it to feed countries that don't have water.  It was a genius idea and i think it can and should be applied to dogs as well.  Winner:  Dogs - not ALL dogs drool. 
  • They don't understand what the word NO means.  The only difference between a baby and a dog is that when I say NO to a dog it doesn't shake its head and say NO NO NO back to me in an exorcist rage attack.  To both, NO means "absolutely fking YES!"  Winner: Dogs - I'd rather the cute puppy eyes than The Exorcism of Emily Rose eyes. 

  • They both bite.  My daughter is beginning to finally get a nice set of choppers and already has tried to nibble on my shoulder.  It was terrible.  I've also learned to not put my finger in her mouth as she will chop down on it like its that 3 week old piece of corn.  OUCH.  We all know that dogs will bite at any given time.  Dummies.  Winner:  Babies - their bite doesn't hurt as much. 
  • The parents LOVE to show off baby/dog tricks.  We've all done it.  When your dog can sit or stand you totally show this off to others.  Well, the same goes for a baby.  They are no different.  Whenever people come over we are saying "Ava, sit.  Sit.  Good girl!", or "Ava.  What does the duck say?  Good girl!" or "Ava, walk to Daddy.  Good girl!" or "Ava, get Daddy's beer from the downstairs fridge.  Good girl!".  Winner:  Dogs - the tricks stay the same the remainder of their life where a baby eventually grows up.  Booo.
  • They both have the attention span of 4 seconds.  There is nothing funnier than watching a baby play with a dog.  They will both "attack" each other and then seconds later look away at something else only to see each other again and attack each other.  This go on for hours.  One will forget the other is there and do something else while the other is eating it's ear.  Winner: Tie
  • They both need to be "potty trained".  A dog and a baby will shit anywhere they please.  The advantage of having a baby is that you can give it diapers to wear.  The disadvantage of this is that this diaper needs to go somewhere and that Diaper Genie does NOT get rid of that smell like it claims it does; especially after a week of nesting in the diaper genie with other poops.  Mmmmm.  A dog, however,  will just simply shit on your white rug if you piss it off.  Then you can put the dogs face in the poop and say NO.  Of course the dog doesn't understand what no is and will just shit in your bed at the next opportunity.  Winner: Babies - they shit in diapers.. nuff said. 

  • Both can't sit still in a bath.  As i stated earlier, I dont own a dog but I know the routine.  The second that they get wet they do that shake thing and get you soaked.  Well, our baby is no different.  She understands the word "splash" and has a splash attack on daddy aka me while i bathe her. This could be my fault though as i taught her this.  I should have showed off this new trick to others!  Winner:  Babies - I'd rather get splashed with water than whatever is living in that dog's fluffy hair.  
  • Both LOVE to go for walks.  I think babies just want to be pampered as they get first class service to the world as Mommy and Daddy push her.  Dog owners are required to carry a plastic bag to fill it with the dogs shit and then continue to carry it around with them for the remainder of the walk.  Gross.  Did I tell you that babies wear diapers!  Winner:  Babies
best of both worlds!

  • Both make loud noises.  Babies cry.  Dogs bark.  This is a tough one because a dog can bark for hours just as a baby can cry for 7 days straight for no reason at all or, as the doctors will call it, the baby is colicky.  But both can drive you INSANE!!  Winner:  Tie
  • They both do mischief and mayhem when you leave the room.  I leave the room for 1 second to go pee.  And as I'm trying to aim and pee in the toilet while sticking my head out the door, I see my little munchkin going towards the stairs, or the cable box, or pretty much everywhere she is not supposed to.  The same goes for a dog.  The difference is that a dog will eat your couch.  I don't think Ava can do that just yet.  Winner:  Babies for sure

and the winner is... BABIES!  Woohoooooo

Dogs 5  Babies 6

Did I miss anything?

As always spread the love by sharing and liking my blog posts.  ONE


Popular posts from this blog

My Justin Timberlake Experience .. and my shameful beer snob status

I have seen some great legends live in concert over the years.  Paul McCartney, Billy Joel, One Direction - to name a few.  But one in particular - Mr Justin Timberlake aka Justin Bart or JB as he goes by - was one for the ages. 

I got to enjoy this spectacular human with my beard wife Rose last night at the Prudential Center, in the city of dreams, Newark NJ.

The Christmas Glitter Bomb

Its that time of year again.  A time when people and family members that you haven't talked to, well, since last Christmas, reach out with open arms and send you their annual Christmas card.  We took part this year as we now have a newborn.  We both felt obliged to show off our little one to everyone on our wedding list and beyond.  It felt nice.  It's more of a hey-look-how-cute-our-kid-is behind a Merry Christmas message.  Regardless, our card was a simple photo that did NOT have a surprise waiting as you opened up the envelope. A surprise that jumps out at you and says "SURPRISEEEEEE!!!oh and merry christmas"  I'm talking about the glitter bomb.  You all know who you are.  

The Perineal Massage..

My wife is approaching her 37th week of pregnancy.  Apparently, in your 37th week you are supposed to begin massaging your perineum.  "What's a perineum", you asked as so did i?  The perineum is basically the taint.  "Ahhhh.. ok.  I get it.  But massage it??", is what i asked.  Yes, massaging it helps with the pain when the baby crowns during childbirth.  "So just rub it or sumthin?" (in Chip Chipperson voice .. Opie and Anthony fans anyone??)  Not quite.. 
Here are the instructions on how to successfully massage your perineum: