Skip to main content

My 5 AWESOME Baby Inventions

The beauty of raising a child comes from within.  If you can look past all the shit, literally and figuratively, you have to go through in order to keep that child happy, it's totally worth it.  However, when your "in the moment", you have to try to keep your mind occupied.  It's during these times that I'm usually thinking of shit that wasn't invented for babies but should be.  All of these ideas  are patented so please don't try to steal any. 

I give you my 5 famous soon-to-be baby inventions:

The Cry Converter

Imagine its 3:00 in the morning.  You had finally got your baby to sleep after walking around the house 234 times cradling her.  You get in bed and close your eyes.  Sleep.  That is until you hear the baby monitor shout WAAAAAHHHH at you.  SHIT.  

Well, imagine instead of hearing the most annoying noise on the planet, you hear the beautiful, pleasant sound of a young angel singing alonside the sound of a harp.  Ahhh.  I give you - The Cry Converter. 

This simple little box can connect to your wireless network and connect via bluetooth to its speakers.  When it picks up that annoying sound we all hate, then BOOM - you got angels singing to you!   Now you can sleep like an angel while your baby "sings" to you!  It's sort of like an autotune for babies.  If autotune can make Justin Bieber sound good then think what it can do to your baby!!

Think what autotune did for T-pain!

The Cheerio Dispenser

As your little one starts to eat, you will notice their infatuation with your remote control and Cheerios.  Something about those little processed whole wheat O's that says EAT ME.  They can't get enough. There is only so many you give this little precious at once before those little O's get stuck in their throat.  So you squeeze the O, lightly enough to crush it to make 3 pieces (learned this from my wife).  Now your little one is estatic as she eats these small pieces faster than your mother in law can get to the grocery store when the weather man predicts 2 inches of snow.  Soon enough, she is done.  Your 30 seconds of cooking dinner ends suddenly with a "UGHHHHHH" shouting at you. (if you had the cry converter, it would say "beautiffulllllll" in an angelic voice) She wants more Cheerios.  So, you interrupt your cooking to go break up more little pieces for her to devour in 7 seconds.  (PS - your dinner is now burning)

I present to you - The Cheerio Dispenser.  The Cheerio dispenser is a small device that holds 100s of little O's.  You give it to your baby and with the push of a button (you have to teach this), the dispenser breaks up a tiny O into 3 little pieces and disperses it from the device.  VOILAA.  Anytime your child wants more they simply push the button for more.  BAM!  

The High Chair Net

What happens when your child drops their Cheerio Dispenser?  You have to pick it up.  This becomes a game for your baby and the most annoying fucking thing for you. Not only is it a pain in the ass, but the noise the object makes when it hits the floor makes me cringe everytime and makes my wood floors look like brown swiss cheese.    Too bad my cry converter doesnt work on adults.  

I give you - The High Chair Net.  This little contraption sits around the high chair, underneath the seat.  As things fall, the high chair net catches it allowing relief to your floor and your sanity.  The baby then simply looks at it and goes HUHHHH, as it tries to reach the object in teh net but can't.  Well look no further.  With the pull of a lever, the net comes up to the seat level allowing full access to the object.  PERFECTO!  The next time you turn your back on your baby you can turn to her and say "NOT THIS TIME BEYOTCH!!" as she tries to drop her toy in amusement. 



Picture this.  Its midnight.  Your tired.  For 4 hours now you have been pacing around the house with your daughter in your arms trying to get her to sleep.  You have sung to her. You have read to her.  You have played with her.  Nothing is working.  You put her down and she attempts to go to sleep as you rub her back.  The second you stop she cries.  You continue rubbing and she falls asleep.  You stop rubbing and she wakes and cries.  You repeat this process all night. 

Well folks, I give you - RoboArm.  RoboArm is a robotic arm that connects to your baby's crib.  When it is time to put the baby down (this means to sleep..not to death for you non baby readers) the arm activates and rubs the babies back for as long as needed.  The RoboArm has a sleep setting that will turn off after it has detected teh baby is in a deep sleep via a sleep recognition program.  How all this is supposed to work, i have no fucking clue!  But its an EPIC idea!


Imagine a world where every single person on the planet has clean drinkable water.  Well look no further.  With the iDrool kit, you will be able to convert that ooey-gooey yucky drool into clean drinking water.  With it's filtering patent technology, you will be able to take that baby slime and turn into yummy potable water.  

The iDrool kit comes complete with the filtration system along with it's patent pending super absorbent bibs, you'll be able to mop up that icky goodness and get it into clean drinking water in no time. 

Imagine what the iDrool can do for the world. Let's do the math!

The average teething baby drools about 1 liter per day.  There are approximately 490,000 babies worldwide.  If you were to take this number and multiply it by the number of liters a baby drools, you would get an outstanding 490,000 liters that can be spead around the world to feed those in need!!   And you thought baby drool was nasty!  (*Dog drool convertor sold seperately.)



Popular posts from this blog

My Justin Timberlake Experience .. and my shameful beer snob status

I have seen some great legends live in concert over the years.  Paul McCartney, Billy Joel, One Direction - to name a few.  But one in particular - Mr Justin Timberlake aka Justin Bart or JB as he goes by - was one for the ages. 

I got to enjoy this spectacular human with my beard wife Rose last night at the Prudential Center, in the city of dreams, Newark NJ.

The Christmas Glitter Bomb

Its that time of year again.  A time when people and family members that you haven't talked to, well, since last Christmas, reach out with open arms and send you their annual Christmas card.  We took part this year as we now have a newborn.  We both felt obliged to show off our little one to everyone on our wedding list and beyond.  It felt nice.  It's more of a hey-look-how-cute-our-kid-is behind a Merry Christmas message.  Regardless, our card was a simple photo that did NOT have a surprise waiting as you opened up the envelope. A surprise that jumps out at you and says "SURPRISEEEEEE!!!oh and merry christmas"  I'm talking about the glitter bomb.  You all know who you are.  

The Perineal Massage..

My wife is approaching her 37th week of pregnancy.  Apparently, in your 37th week you are supposed to begin massaging your perineum.  "What's a perineum", you asked as so did i?  The perineum is basically the taint.  "Ahhhh.. ok.  I get it.  But massage it??", is what i asked.  Yes, massaging it helps with the pain when the baby crowns during childbirth.  "So just rub it or sumthin?" (in Chip Chipperson voice .. Opie and Anthony fans anyone??)  Not quite.. 
Here are the instructions on how to successfully massage your perineum: