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12 Days of Christmas = 12 Days of Eating

It's that time of year again.  A time to eat everything and anything that the human belly can hold.  A time where it is OK to eat cookies for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  Yes..I'm talking about the holidays.   A time where one can easily put on 75lbs in 2 weeks and become diabetic overnight.

There are like 40 holidays from the month of September until Jan 1 and each holiday requires eating.  Let's start with Halloween.  What do you eat for halloween?  Candy.  And lots and lots of it.  The fact that you can knock on a strangers door and they will give you candy for free is just mind boggling.  If liberals get it right, in the next 20 years we will be getting apples and tofu chocolate in our Halloween bags.  Yippeee!

Then you have Thanksgiving.  But before you celebrate Thanksgiving you have the 4 or 5 days before where you need to do "taste tests" of the food you or your significant other made.  The taste test usually requires a whole new batch to be made as it took 17 helpings to decide if you liked it or not.  Then on Thanksgiving, you stuff your face with turkey and all kinds of stuff that supposedly Pilgrims ate when they landed on Plymouth Rock.  Because everyone knows that the Pilgrims ate pumpkin pie, apple crisp, blueberry pie and tons of chocolate on Thanksgiving Day!

After Thanksgiving you have Black Friday.  This day you either lose weight from shopping or you stay home and eat all your leftovers.  Actually, regardless if you shop or not, you will be eating all your leftovers for the next 4 days; starting with deserts first because they go bad quicker.

There is a brief window of clarity and reasoning with yourself getting your fat ass back to the gym until Hanukah comes.  Then its 8 crazy nights of eating and drinking.  Of course I am not Jewish, but i am assuming this happens.  I hope it does cause then this holiday is just boring.  

Then comes Xmas eve and Xmas and even if you dont celebrate it, you still eat your face off..literally.  Jesus would want nothing more than to celebrate his "berfday" by eating lots and lots and lots of cookies.  Let's face it.  This is what Xmas is about.  Shit.  I am eating a cookie now as I type this. I'm not sure how cookies and Jesus and Xmas came about but God Almighty it works.  If you are Italian or, I should state, a North Jersey Italian, then you probably do the 7 fishes on Xmas eve.  I have no idea if this is a real thing or a NJ thing but Italians swear by it. I'm half Italian so i know.  And every Italian family says they do the 7 fishes but its really like 45 of them and everything is deep fried cause i guess Jesus would want it this way. So then after you eat your 45 deep fried fishes, you have odgeda for the next 3 days.  To counteract it, you eat 23 variety cookies because there are 23 varieties for you to choose from that every single person at your party brought over.  There is never an organization system where one says "Aunt Diane is bringing her famous Knot cookies.  You should bring your famous Pignoli cookies."  No, instead its every man for themselves.  I seriously think that everyone is out for the cookie title every Christmas and there is NEVER a winner.  If you are hosting the party, then you can end up with enough cookies to feed the Dugar family!  

What do you do after Christmas?  You eat bad for 1 more week and then wash all that bad food down with 74 drinks for the New Year.  So now that you have sugar and fat in your veins, your liver and kidneys are soaked in alcohol.  And then..just when your body had had enough of 12 What-A-Great-Year-We-Had shots, you throw it all up.  Yaaayyyyy.  At this point you have told yourself since Halloween that you will be joining the gym after New Years.  So, like the rest of chubby America, you join a gym only to cancel within a month giving the gym you joined enough money to keep them open for the year.  Nice.  

Morale of this story.. we eat WAYYYY TOOO MUCH.  Stay away from cookies and join Krank Systems NOW.  - it will change your life.  

Merry Christmas


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