Skip to main content

12 Days of Christmas Blogging - Day 7: The Santa Clause

It's that time of year again.  A time when a fat man wearing a girls outfit that doesn't fit, comes down your chimney even if you dont have one,  and places gifts underneath a tree that you cut down and placed in your home.  Yes. This is Christmas.





I am not sure how this tradition started or where Santa came from, but its just weird.  Here's what we know (courtesy of wikipedia)

According to a tradition which can be traced to the 1820s, Santa Claus lives at the North Pole, with a large number of magical elves, and nine (originally eight) flying reindeer. Since the 20th century, in an idea popularized by the 1934 song "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town", Santa Claus has been believed to make a list of children throughout the world, categorizing them according to their behavior ("naughty" or "nice") and to deliver presents, including toys, and candy to all of the well-behaved children in the world, and sometimes coal to the naughty children, on the single night of Christmas Eve. He accomplishes this feat with the aid of the elves who make the toys in the workshop and thereindeer who pull his sleigh.[6][7]

So now you have flying reindeer, magical elves, naughty or nice lists, and presents to good children and coal to bad.  Sounds like something from Lord of the Rings.  Of course with a story of a mythical legend comes with legendary questions such as:

How can Santa make it around the entire world in one night delivering presents to those who are good?  If he is from the North Pole where in Jiminy Cricket does he get coal to give the bad kids?   How on earth does one keep a naughty or nice list for every single child on earth?  Is there a a census that he administers every few years to keep track of this?  What happens if I move?  Does he know this?   Who does his taxes?  Its clear that someone has to pay for all these presents.  Does he get to write this off to every government in the world?  Since the magical elves make all the toys, then we can assume that "made in China" simply means "made in the North Pole"?  How many Santa suits does he have?  Why red?  Who does his dry cleaning?  Does he eat anything else than cookies?  What the hell does he do before and after Christmas Eve?  If Elf on the Shelf reports back to Santa, where the hell was this when I was a kid?  Why do I have to make a list if you already know what i want?  When I see you in the mall, why do you smell like beer and cheese?  How can Santa fit in my chimney?  What happens if you dont have a chimney?  Does he come in through the front door?  What if you live in an apartment complex?  Does the doorman let him in? If I stay up and drink lots of coffee and wait and wait all night, will i see him put the presents under the tree?  

These are just some of the questions i had as a child and still do to this day.  The whole concept makes no sense.  

Now let's look at where the presents go - The Christmas tree.  When you think of what we do for Christmas its quite funny.  We go to the woods, look for a tree, chop that shit down, bring it home, trim it all up and put it in your living room.  Then, put tons of christmas lights and ornaments on it, all while dodging spiders and anything else you took home with you from the woods.  Afterwards, you give it water, like a pet, so it does not dry up and die.  Then..you wait.. for Santa to come and put presents underneath it that you open on Christmas morning.  Weirdarama. 


Being Bad is More Profitable?
Another strange concept is the naughty or nice list.  I'm thinking the value of being bad weighs out tremendously to being good.  Why?  Well, if you are good you will get something that is cool and hip at that moment.  Maybe a new bike that you'll outgrow in a couple years. Or that new skateboard that will not be cool next year.  Or that new doll that the other girls will tease you about when you start liking boys (or girls..its 2012, i get it).  

Turning lump of coal into profit

On the other hand, if you are bad then you get coal.  This may seem like a shitty present but think about it - coal costs waaay more than that crappy Huffy bike or that new Barbie doll, especially today with all the global warming beliefs.  So if you received a lump of coal from Santa, every year, for 30 years, then you would have about 150lbs of coal (assuming your lump weighs 5lbs).  It takes about 750lbs of coal to burn 1 40 watt light bulb for one full year.  So your 150lbs would allow you to keep your room lit, for free, for approximately 2.5 months (assuming you are not turning this bulb off).  Now if you were to start a "naughty" club then you can accumulate ALOT of free coal and start a company.  Eventually, you will make lots of money.  These people are known as Charimen and they obviously are bad for a reason.  Apparently it pays off!! 
Not bad for a free gift for being bad. Not bad at all!!!

The Matrix
When the truth is revealed about Santa Claus (no spoilers here), its like finding out that your whole world you lived in is a lie.  Like Neo, your world has been turned upside down and you dont know what's real and what's not.  All those long, tired hours of being good for the sake of geting a fantastic present from Santa suddenly come to a crashing halt!  As an adult, i think of it as one big conspiracy!  



Merry Christmas!!!

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

My Justin Timberlake Experience .. and my shameful beer snob status

I have seen some great legends live in concert over the years.  Paul McCartney, Billy Joel, One Direction - to name a few.  But one in particular - Mr Justin Timberlake aka Justin Bart or JB as he goes by - was one for the ages. 

I got to enjoy this spectacular human with my beard wife Rose last night at the Prudential Center, in the city of dreams, Newark NJ.




The Perineal Massage..

My wife is approaching her 37th week of pregnancy.  Apparently, in your 37th week you are supposed to begin massaging your perineum.  "What's a perineum", you asked as so did i?  The perineum is basically the taint.  "Ahhhh.. ok.  I get it.  But massage it??", is what i asked.  Yes, massaging it helps with the pain when the baby crowns during childbirth.  "So just rub it or sumthin?" (in Chip Chipperson voice .. Opie and Anthony fans anyone??)  Not quite.. 
Here are the instructions on how to successfully massage your perineum:

The Christmas Glitter Bomb

Its that time of year again.  A time when people and family members that you haven't talked to, well, since last Christmas, reach out with open arms and send you their annual Christmas card.  We took part this year as we now have a newborn.  We both felt obliged to show off our little one to everyone on our wedding list and beyond.  It felt nice.  It's more of a hey-look-how-cute-our-kid-is behind a Merry Christmas message.  Regardless, our card was a simple photo that did NOT have a surprise waiting as you opened up the envelope. A surprise that jumps out at you and says "SURPRISEEEEEE!!!oh and merry christmas"  I'm talking about the glitter bomb.  You all know who you are.