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12 Days of Christmas Blogging - Day 3: And on the 3rd Day God Said, "Let There Be Christmas Lights!"

It's that time of year again.  A time where people spend lots of money and time to decorate their house so it can be seen from outer space OR so Santa Claus can see it from the North Pole? Only scholars know the true meaning. Regardless, when you sit back and think about what we do to our houses, its actually quite psychotic. The fact that we decorate our houses for a month of the year with crazy lights and decorations is just bizarre.



Can anyone identify this man?  Of course you can't.  This is Edward Johnson.  The creator of the Christmas Light.  A true legend indeed. 

History of the Christmas Light
Thomas Edison invented the light bulb but it was his friend, Edward Johnson who invented the first string of electric Christmas lights.  Before Johnson, people were lighting up their houses and Christmas trees with candles.  Now I know i am Polish and I do very dumb things, but the one thing i wouldn't do is put a burning hot candle next to a very thirsty, dry, dying tree in my living room.  Your just waiting for disaster.  So not only did Johnson start a revolution, he also saved lives.  I believe there should be an Edward Johnson day in his honor. 

Pre-Johnson aka PJ:





24 hours later.. luckily the family got out of the house in time


After Johnson aka AJ:





The Process of Stringing Lights
Most people will pay someone else to mow their lawn, or clean our their gutters, or rake their leaves.  Why?  Because it sucks and it is time consuming.   So how is it that stringing tiny lights all around your house an exception.  This shit takes a long time and the process SUCKS.  There are ladders involved, tree climbing, staple guns, many extension cords, window taping and let's not forget the many electric code violations you have broken by using 1 outlet and 17 extension cords with 16,000 lights on it.  Let me explain my pain-staking process. 


I wish my Christmas decorations this year look spectacular

You goto your garage to get out your Christmas lights.  If you are like me, they are probably in a big storage bin that says "Christmas lights" on it. And if you are also like me, this is the only bin that has a description on it because, apparently, Christmas lights are more important than anything else you own.


You take out the bin and go through the hundreds of lights.  They are most likely in a gigantic knot that you now need to pretend you are on Survivor and unravel.  This takes time.  When done you proceed to place all of your lights and decorations on the floor and stare at your house in confusion as to what to do next.

An hour goes by and you finally place your first string of lights up.  Yes, it took an hour because why would you write up blueprints to something that seems sooo simple yet every year takes you a full day to do.    You have 1 outlet and 55 strings of light, 4 extension cords, 3 huge snowmen and about 8 candy canes.  Somehow you need to make this work.

I have one of those snowmen wicker things that lights up.  It looks similar to this but more bad ass:

Now i can write an entire blog just on this snowman alone.. but i will make it brief.  IT SUCKS!!  Look at the picture.  It's beautiful and looks simple right?  NOOOOOOO.  Whoever owns one of those wicker lit deer or other fun animal or snowman,  bobbing its head up and down looking like something from a pornographic movie,  knows exactly what i am talking about.  That above snowman comes in like 14 pieces that you have to somehow get together.  They give you these terrible plastic fasteners that dont work and, if yours has lights, have to somehow put the pieces together while making sure that the lights dont get tangled or caught around another piece.  When it is complete it looks fantastic...that is until a slight breeze comes through and knocks it over.  If your wonderful wicker shite is like mine, this means it fell apart and then you have to put the whole thing back together again.  To make matters worse, this usually happens when it is 22 degrees out, you have no gloves and you are late for work.  Booooooo


I conveniently live across the street from a Target and so I take at least 3 trips there every year because i forget how my Christmas decorations work.  I'm not proud of this.  Well, i guess I'm proud that i live across the street  from Target but I'm not proud that i have to spend another 50 bucks every year because I cant figure out the extension cord configuration.  To make matters worse, i have a light box that plays music.  This contains 6 outlets on it.  These 6 outlets control the light sequence so it plays to the music.  Sounds simple.. but it is something that I believe Neil Armstrong would have a hard time navigating and figuring out.

When everything is said and done, I get my wife and daughter out of the house and into the cold and, like The Griswolds, have my wife drum roll while I introduce the neighborhood to the Bart Family Christmas lights.  I forgot to mention that I am in a townhouse.  This means that my neighbors get to listen to music playing while my lights look like something that can cause epilepsy all night long!  Yayyy me!  But.. i have the best lights on the block and that is the ultimate goal right??

I give you.. {drumroll}.. the 2012 Bart's Christmas Lights!






Kidding of course.. here is the BORING Bart display:



The moral of this story... Save your time and money and celebrate Hanukkah   They only have to light a few candles.  

Merry Christmas!!!

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