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The Christmas Glitter Bomb

Its that time of year again.  A time when people and family members that you haven't talked to, well, since last Christmas, reach out with open arms and send you their annual Christmas card.  We took part this year as we now have a newborn.  We both felt obliged to show off our little one to everyone on our wedding list and beyond.  It felt nice.  It's more of a hey-look-how-cute-our-kid-is behind a Merry Christmas message.  Regardless, our card was a simple photo that did NOT have a surprise waiting as you opened up the envelope. A surprise that jumps out at you and says "SURPRISEEEEEE!!!  oh and merry christmas"  I'm talking about the glitter bomb.  You all know who you are.  

What is the glitter bomb you ask?  hmmm..Lets paint the picture

You get home from a looong day at work.  Goto your mailbox to find it overstuffed with coupons and advertisements of what department stores have decided for you to get your loved one for Christmas.  You sigh as you grab the bundle making sure not to spill any of its contents as you drag it back into your house.  You get in your house and set the mail onto the table sorting it out.  Weekly ads - Trash pile.  Envelopes - Christmas card pile.  You smile as you look at the big pile of cards waiting to be opened.  You open the first one...awww.. its your cousin Jose that you have never seen in person..only in Christmas cards. "He's gotten sooo big", you think to yourself as you add the picture card to your fridge.  Then you open the next one.  As you start to slit the envelope trying to avoid a paper cut, you suddenly realize there is glitter on your index finger. Hmmm, thats strange you think as you continue to open the card.  Just as you take it out.. BAMMM  A colorful confetti shower of glitter flies in the air and all over your shirt and pants.  You have just been Glitter Bombed!  

Long term effects of getting glitter bombed:

Scenario 1 - After a busy morning, Chuck decides to take a break and get some lunch.  He takes a ride to one of the nearby delis and instead of brining it back inside to eat at his desk as he normally does he eats in the car.  As he is eating and listening to Opie and Anthony on XM, he looks over and sees an unopened Christmas card from his cousin Jane next to him on the passenger seat.  He thinks, "i havent seen her kids in awhile" as he starts to open the card.  The beautiful image of his cousin's boys distracts the fact that his entire lap got soaked with glitter as he opened it.  He places the card on his lap as he takes his last bite and starts to cleans his mess before heading  back to work; totally unaware that his entire dark wardrobe is now covered in colorful glitter.  He gets back to the office and immediately bumps into Karen, the work gossiper.  Karen immediately notices the glitter and starts to talk to Joanne about it.  Joanne talks to Susan and before you know it, like flies on shit, the entire office is whispering that Chuck has been sneaking out at work to the nearby strip club.  

Eventually upper management hears about this and within an hour back from the "strip club", Chuck is being escorted out of the office by security as Karen stands watching with her arms folded with a grimace.  Chuck goes home to tell his wife the bad news.  She sees the glitter and immediately starts to put the pieces together.  All those "long work nights" huh?  She divorces his ass and gets more than half of his money which was taken assault already by the recession.  Poor Chuck.  He is now out of a job, a wife, a house and money all because he opened a Christmas card that had glitter on it!

Scenario 2 - Bill and Lucy are celebrating their first Christmas with their newborn.  The new parents couldn't be happier to open their first Christmas card together as a family.  Usually they throw them away before even opening them.  But for some reason, this year, as a new family it just feels right to rekindle the holiday spirit.  Bill puts baby Evan on his lap while Lucy stands closely opening the card.  Immediately glitter fills the air as well as the baby's lungs and eye sockets.  At first, Bill and Lucy don't realize as they read the standard seasons greeting message.  They speak baby talk to Evan not noticing that he is blinking his eyes uncontrollably.  Within 5 minutes, baby Evan is screaming crying.  The parents dont know what's wrong as he begins to cough uncontrollably while scratching his eyes.  They panic and take him to the emergency room. After 5 long hours, baby Evan is diagnosed with 2 scratched corneas and is now wearing an eye patch.  Now baby Evan has to wear an eye patch for his very first Christmas pics.  Way to go Glitter bomber .. way to go! 

Bill and Lucy decided to go with the pirate look for their babys first christmas pics. Great job glitter bomber!!

The moral of this story... Think before you send out a glitter bomb.  Someone's life can depend on it!

Merry Christmas!! 


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