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A Very Strange Evening

We recently celebrated Bart Day.  It's our unofficial-official holiday that is very personal to my wife and I.  This year was even more special with the addition of our little 5 month old squirt Ava.  Not to bore everyone with the details of our day (i can write a HUGE blog about all the fun things we did) but we had an exciting and tiring day. For those of you who are friends with me on Facebook would be rolling their eyes because of my exuberant abundant status updates that proceeded us all day long on our travels. It was EPIC.

Anywho, our evening ended at one of our favorite restaurants, Bara Cara in Bloomfield.  If you haven't been there yet, go.  It's really good.  A little pricey but well worth it.  I'm not sleeping with the owner i promise.  I just really like the place.  So, we get there and have to wait for a table.  Normally, we would make a reservation but we took a chance. Unfortunately there was a 15 minute wait.  Ohkkaayy.  After a looong day my wife and I wanted a drink, so we proceeded to the bar.  This is the part that i tell you that Ava was with us!  {shocking face}

We walk into the bar area wearing 2 awkward smiles; me carrying our daughter in her car seat and my wife her GIANT Coach "diaper" bag, and proceed to the bar.  There are only a few people sitting at the bar and the tables around seem empty.  We make our way to the back corner immediately realizing that the empty tables have "reserved" signs sitting on them.  Booo.  So, we sit at the bar...all 3 of us.  

The bartender approaches us and puts down his usual stamp of approval - the napkin to put your drink on.  I was expecting him to say, "Does she have a license?", referring to my daughter.  But he did not.  After a sense of relief and realizing that not all eyes were on me, i ordered a Guinness and my wife, a Malbec. 

God dam cougars!
Things were going good until about 10 minutes when 3 cougars who were out stalking come by us.  There were 2 empty seats on both sides of us.  There were 3 of them.  You know where this is going.  We, as in me and Ava, gave them our seats.  Ava then woke and then it was weird.  One of the cougars started conversation with us (this happens all the time) and told us all about her life and her kids and her divorces and OMG.  After 5 minutes and Ava now getting restless in her car seat thingy, i had to take her out.  So now here i am, the picture perfect Dad, at a bar with a beer in my hand and daughter in the other, listening to a strange cougar telling us about her life.  Snapshot!  Finally our table is ready. 

We sit down and immediately Ava is NOT happy.  Ughhh.  Usually, she is perfect when we are out and sleeping like a..well a baby.  But not this time.  She just wanted to be held and of course only when the food is ready to come out.  This happens all the time by the way and i forgot to mention this in my 6 things they dont teach you in baby book post.  Your baby will always seem to wake up or cry or want to be held just as you are ready to eat.  Perfect timing.  

We ordered our food and i picked up a restless Ava.  This is when i noticed it.  A woman behind Rose giving Ava the googly eyes.  Oh great.. another one, is immediately what i thought.  This one, however, looked like a category 4 baby stalker.  I have never met a 5 yet.. at least not at this moment. She was doing the whisper thing and pointy thing to the rest of her table and making full on eye contact with us and the baby.  "Look away.  Look away", is all i could think.  The waitress came by and refilled her wine.  She was distracted for the time being.  Whew.. 

Dinner comes out.  At this point, Ava is just flat out angry at the world and not loving being a Bart anymore.  Thankfully it is very loud and nobody can hear her cries..or mine.  We take turns holding her and having our faces eaten - our daughter is teething and puts everything in her mouth..including our faces - while the other enjoys their meal.  Besides having food on me from trying to eat while holding my baby (which is illegal in 7 states), i also had baby drool all over me.  We finished our meals and hung around for a bit and talked to some of the people we know who work there.  Rose excuses herself to the bathroom.  This is when it happened....

As if my wife getting up to use the bathroom was the perfect cue she was waiting for, the category 4 stalker in the bright blue-too-tight-for-her-body shirt stands up and looks at me and the baby.  Her GIGANTIC husband, who is funny as fuck and wasted just lets out a "Your screwed now dude".  I felt like Chandler from Friends when he hears OH.  MY.  GOD..revealing the one-and-only Janice.  I didnt know what to do.  Like a deer in a headlight i just stare at her and that shirt.  She makes her way over to me.  It was only a few feet but it felt like 20 minutes went by.  Ava was staring at her as well.  I dont know the ladies name so for the story sake we will just call her Cat4.  Cat4 makes her way over to us making that same face that all women make when they see a baby.  You know the open mouth and the stupid facial expression.  She is saying something but i dont remember what.  I mean i did remember until this happened.... 

She says some stuff.. i think.. how old..her name and all that.  Then she does it.  She puts her arms out and says, "I'm sorry but i'm just going to have to hold her."  What the hell am i to do or say in this situation.  The first thing i immediately think is "Oh fuck.  Rose is going to KILL me!!"  The table that she was sitting at consists of her sister and boyfriend and the HUGE guy which is Cat4's husband.  I know this because Cat4 told me as well as that she has 2 kids. 1 is 3 and the other 6 months old.  They are out celebrating and getting drunk as it was clearly evident.  I know this because Cat4 is telling me all this while her hands are still extended and i'm in panic mode.  Then, for some unknown reason, i give in.  I hand over my precious, beautiful little angel to the Category 4-becoming-5 devil in a blue dress.  

Dont get me wrong.  Cat4/5 was a very nice woman.  But seriously?  Who asks to pick up a stranger's kid?!  And what stupid ass gives away their kid to a stranger!  This stupid ass does.  I begin to perspire as Cat4/5 is holding our child while my wife is in the bathroom.  She's still holding our precious as the HUGE husband is making jokes about him getting snipped and i'm playing along saying "Your in trouble tonght.  Looks like baby #3 is coming", totally not even realizing that Cat4/5 and her HUGE husband may be babynappers and i just gave them baby #3.  Sigghhhh..  And then who comes around the corner.  The moment i've been lovely wife.  Her face is priceless. 

What gets even more strange about this situation is that Cat4/5 is so enthralled with children that i don't even think she is realizing that she is holding our daughter while my wife is clearly making gestures like she wants her back.  Now, don't get me wrong, we are both laughing and giggling and playing along, but i can clearly see that my wife wants her child back.  We begin to talk to each other telepathically like Marshall and Lily from How I Met Your Mother.  "Do you believe this shit?", i say.  "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU GIVING OUR CHILD TO A STRANGER", she says.  Our mental conversation got interrupted when the sister of Cat5 (she is now a 5) comes over and wants to get in on the action.  Now Ava goes from one stranger's hand to another.  Mind you, while this is happening, strangers from other tables are all watching.  Its like a circus act with a baby.  THE MAGNIFICENT AVA!  Step right up folks and hold my daughter. I thought for sure that the cougars from the bar were gonna stumble their way over and have a grab!

Perhaps it was the HUGE husband constantly laughing and telling his wife to give us back our kid or the attempted cover up of the exasperated look we had on our faces, but Cat5 gave us back our little Angel.  Ava was bewildered looking around.  Her face was saying WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED.  Cat5 and her crew stumbled out of their laughing and talking about children.  Christ on a pony...what happens to people when they have kids!  

We waited at least 10 minutes before we left just in case they were waiting outside for us.  We went outside and put a tired and fussy Ava back into her car seat and in the car.  Within 15 seconds she was sleeping.  Cat5 tired the hell out of her.  Either that or she was drunk from the martini fumes sputtering out of Cat5's mouth.

Morale of this story... Order one of their pizzas. They're very good! 

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