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6 Things They Don't Teach You in the Baby Books

There are some things that you think you need to know about having a baby such as money, time consumption, how to change a diaper and crying.  The truth is this is the easy part.  You realize really quick that you simply adjust and all the things that you were so worried about become really not an issue at all.

However, there are some things that were not taught to me and made me say WTF very loudly many times!!




The button configuration

This may only pertain to the new fathers but god dam are those buttons on kids clothing hard to figure out.  For the newbie fathers let me try to explain the best i can.  You have a simple short sleeve onesie.  This usually consists of 3 simple buttons in the groin area.  Simple right?  No.  I still button the buttons wrong leaving 1 open or the middle one on the button to the right.  Sighh.. Now for the even harder part are the long sleeve footsie pajamas.  Who the hell invented this shite?  Some of these have 48 buttons that zigzag down the entire length of the clothing.  Its VERY easy to miss a button and catch yourself staring at your 5 month old saying WTF??
This had to take at least 45 minutes to get on only to have to take it off again to change the dirty diaper!

The Drool

Everyone knows that babies drool, that is until you have one.  I cant even describe how much liquid comes out of this girls mouth.  A true WTF moment indeed.  It's so bad that we now keep her bib on her at certain times of the day when it is really bad.  Yes yes.. teething is in the near future. I get it.  Please dont remind me. Oh and another heads up. When you are holding your little one high directly above your head, be sure to close your mouth. Nothing more disgusting then having formula saliva dripping into your mouth.. UGHH 


The Shit Smell

WTF!! Christ on a pony!  I have a nephew.  He is now 13.  And at one point, yes, i changed his diapers.  There was even a diarrhea incident that involved me running and putting him in the sink as it dripped down his leg and all over me while i was watching him one day.  But for some strange reason the smell is something i dont recall.  Perhaps my brain sort of blocked this out like the time when when i was 3 and i fell in the toilet.  i dont know.   But shit, figuratively and literally, it STINKS!!!! The worst part is my little angel isn't even eating solids yet.  Good gravy, i am not prepared for this!


The Foul Play

This is a warning to new dads:  When you play with your son or daughter and have them jumping up and down on your lap, wear a cup or something because FUCK it hurts if a tiny 2 inch foot comes crashing down on one your precious boys.  Somehow, the configuration and makeup of the little ones foot fits perfectly in between the nuts and berries.  WTF!!!!


The Niceness/Attention

Having a baby is indeed a blessing but what's even more of a blessing is the response that people have towards you and your new addition.  Traffic WILL stop for you.  People will smile at you.  Strangers will hold the door open for you if you are like 20 feet away.  WTF!! Its INSANE.  One night I had Ava while my wife was out with some friends.  I ordered some Chipotle via my iPhone app to avoid the 45 minute line that stretches outside the door and onto Rt3.  We got there a bit early and so we sat outside the door and waited a few minutes.  It was a beautiful night so the strip mall was packed with people.  Ava was standing on my lap while i held her arms and every single person walking by made a comment. For someone who needs attention constantly, this was like my mecca!  Anyways, some big football looking dude comes out of Chipotle.  He was clearly pissed about something. Probably because he had to wait an hour for a burrito.  He flings the door open with a face that says "I will kill anybody who stands in front of me".  It's true i heard it.  Then he looks over at us.  I immediately looked away in complete and utter panic fearing for mine and my daughter's life.  Then i hear in a monotone/barbaric voice "Oh my god.. She is gorgeous".  I immediately look towards the "Beast" expecting him to be complimenting some big booty girl walking by but no.. he was referring to my daughter.  I said "Thank you?" with a question mark not really sure this was happening.  Then he said "Kids are great man.  Good luck dude." as he whisked away and tried to fit into his tiny convertible not too far away still wearing the smile after seeing my daughter.  It was then i realized that kids are the GREATEST WAY TO GET ATTENTION!!  Oh.. and that people are extremely nice as well.  

Scary man please dont hurt me.

The Blue Line

This is a heads up to anybody who is or will be buying diapers in the near future:  If you dont buy diapers that have a "blue line indicator" then you are a communist!  There i said it.  The blue line is the greatest invention since, well diapers i guess.  Remember Freezy Freekie gloves; the ones that changed color when they got cold and you would put in the freezer to show off to your friends because it was too hot outside to exhibit it in a real setting?  Well, this blue line indicator shows a bright blue line when the baby pisses or shits itself.  Its your way of knowing that there is a mess inside that you need to clean up pronto!  Its like magic.  A magic blue line!  I believe that only Pampers makes these?  I'm probably wrong cause i'm a guy and know nothing about women's underwear.  The only other invention that can replace this magic line is robots cleaning your baby for you.  Now that's a great idea.. im on it!

I see this in my dreams

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