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Rental Car Rally 2012 - NYC to Montreal

Imagine getting some of your buds together and taking a road trip from let's say NYC to umm hmm Montreal.  Ok.  Now let's say one of your crazy friends says 'Hey let's go as Braveheart characters..just cause".  Sure!  Why not!  Why stop there.  Let's dress the car up in fancy tartan (it's plaid..are you stupid!) and paint Haggis and Shite that looks like dripping blood on the sides of our door.  But wait.. i don't want to do this to my own car soooooo ... let's rent a car instead??  AWESOME.. but wait... its a boooorrrrinnngggg  6hr drive to Montreal.  Since we are dressed up like idiots, let's make it even more fun and go find some wacky roadside attractions on the way!  OK - says the car full of costumed idiots.. 

.... is probably how the conversation started from the Rental Car Rally creators some years back.  This weekend i got to participate for the first time and i must say it truly was a blast.  

What is the Rental Car Rally you ask?  It's a driving competition..not a race.. from NYC to Montreal against other cars;1 car per team.  On your way to Montreal you have checkpoints that you must find, take your picture in front of it and upload it to either twitter or facebook.  During the ride it is encouraged to fuck with other teams; especially their car.  The RCR folks provide a case of shenanigans that you can use to mess with the other peeps and their thrusty vehicle such as oatmeal, butter, glitter, smoke bombs (which we totally forgot to use) and last but not least EGGS.  If thats not enough, you must have a theme and go with it.  Dress up yourself and your car and your good to go.  So the best way to describe it is:  Weird NJ meets Halloween on wheels.  Check out for all the jazz. 

How do you win?  You dress up like characters from Braveheart and play the role the entire time.  You fuck with the other teams just enough so you are not drawing the line of douchness.  You talk shit on twitter at any possibility to keep your name still relevant in the "game".  You find all the checkpoints that are required and take some very unique pictures.  You basically play exactly how we did because we WON bitches!  Oh and you also wear kilts or Jessica Simpson mini skirt in my case and you dont wear undies!  once again.. FREEEEDOOOOMMMMM

Its not about getting their the fastest.  It just about getting their with low mileage.  Having the lowest mileage will get you a gold pump but you have do everything WE did in order to take the top prize son. 

Our winnings!
Our team dressed up as the bloody fookin cocksuckers from Braveheart.  For those of you haven't seen Braveheart should jump off a building right now.  Our costumes were sort of a mix between William Wallace and caveman but, hey it worked as we won the TOP PRIZE.   Winning gets you a bag of change (literally) - $500 to be exact and a gas pump painted in gold (freshly painted as it was still wet when we got it.. dicks).  So after splitting the money, i still owed 90 bux for the car, registration and hotel.  What the shite!!  

We drove for approximately 20hrs straight.  I had about 1 hour and 10 minutes of sleep.  My wife asked me what we talked about during this time?  She assumed life events, personal goals, girls we slept with in the past, etc.  No.. in all honesty we talked about the checkpoint we just did and whats to come.  We talked about who fucked with our car and how we are going to get them back.  And we were nonstop checking twitter talking smack and making stupid Scottish jokes.  We were all in it to win it and we did.  What up!?  For the record, i believe i am the first person in the history of Canada to cross their border dressed from head to toe as William Wallace; wig and all.  I told the border patrol that he can take our lives but he cant take our freedom.  Ok.. i didnt but that wouldve been AWESOME eh!

Here are some of the highlights of checkpoints and shite that went down:

Starting Point

We met at a street in Brooklyn that i believe appeared in the movie Judgment Night.  It was quite scary. Especially when the street got filled with weird characters and crazy looking cars and wacky music playing. If you listened closely, behind all those loud club beats, you can hear the faint beautiful score from Braveheart playing as loud as could be from our horse aka Ford Escape. 

Graffiti Hall of Fame

This was located in Harlem at a schoolyard that was gated and closed up for the night.  The graffiti looked awesome but unfortunately we werent able to climb over the high spiked fences to see more.  I dont think the cops riding around watching us would have liked it either.  Regardless I got my pic of me "breakdancing" in front of it and we were good to go. Another team, the Cobra Kais, were with us and 2 of our team members snuck away to go sabotage their car.. nicely done boys!

Excuse me.. your balls are showing

The Mine Shaft

This is where things started to get exciting.  We had to drive from Harlem to Snakes Den Road in Ringwood NJ to get out and hike in the woods to find an abandoned  mine shaft.  Okaayyyyyy. So we arrive at our destination after lots of winding roads and strange houses. I am sure the Jackson Whites were not too far away watching our every move.  We park at the Weis Ecology parking lot and make our way into the woods.  Luckily, a couple of our team members have been to the mine before (it pays to be from NJ.. i mean Scotland) so he sorta remembered the way. I say sorta because we got lost quite a few times.  We found it in about 25 minutes.  We were soaking wet as it started to rain.  During the walk/run i felt like i was in a scary movie and was waiting for the bear to come and maul me to death or the Jackson White family waiting for their next meal. I'm not gonna lie, i was freaking scared.  I didnt want to walk in those woods for 2 reason.  1 - because i was wearing my nice John Varvatos chukka boots to compliment my outift (i really had no idea we would be getting out of the car much) and B - because i was really freaking scared!  Im a suburbia kid..dont judge.  
Just outside the cave
So we find the cave and take our pic like we are supposed to outside it.  Then, of course, my buddies want to go check out whats inside.  I didnt want to stand outside the cave alone in teh pitch dark so of course i followed. I had to creep down really low and crawl into the cave opening.  My balls were certainly on display.  When we walked in all i thought about were the bats i saw flying around us. rabies, was now what was on my mind.  We made our way back to the far end where we saw the mine and took our pic.  My buddy Anthony (the other William Wallace who decided not to wear a wig because he didnt want to un-pretty his hair) wrote our name on the cave wall only to have it defaced later by some dinosaur chasers.  Dam Jursassic Parkers. 

Inside the cave. We look like Captain Caveman

tagging us up son!

We made our way out of the cave. I was the first to get out which meant that my balls and asshole were on the display for the rest of my team to exhibit. It wouldn't be the last.  We hiked back and found our way rather quickly to the opening of the trail and back to the road. It was pouring rain at this time. Luckily, my leather armor stayed true and kept my body nice and dry.  :-)  Nothing but a good hike in the middle of the night while wearing a kilt dressed up like Scottish hero with no underwear in the pouring rain.. ahhh  the Rental Car Rally

Abandoned Psych Facility

Part of the fun of the challenge is actually finding the place. The RCR boys dont give you much clues as to where it is you need to go. Just a simple clue and maybe an address (if your lucky).  So we decided to go to the mental hospital first instead of the next checkpoint thinking we were saving on mileage. Im still not sure if it was the right move BUT it was dark out and visting an abandoned mental institute when the sun is out, or coming out, is just stupid. 

We visited the Rockland County Psychiatric Center which of course is abandoned for 20 years or so. Its been a dream of mine to visit an abandoned mental hospital for years now and it was finally coming true.  In all honesty, i was excited!  

We arrived at the gate and of course it was locked for cars to enter.  So we parked our horse at an abandoned gas station, or at least it looked abandoned, nearby.  We ran across the street ducking from cops and made our way to the gate.  We made our way through one of the gates that was conveniently opened while ignoring the PRIVATE PROPERTY signs, a sign that we would see many times in our travels, and explored the huge open land in front of us.  To our left were the buildings.  Our checkpoint was to take a picture in front of a psychotic bear or something like that. After some googling skills we were able to see the mural that we needed to find.  The first building upon entering was about 500ft to the left of us. We ran over to it and  immediately saw lights flashing inside.  This freaked us the fuck out because there is supposed to be nobody in there until we realized it was another team.  We quickly went to the front of the building and made our way through a busted window to get onto the main porch.  The front door was closed.  My buddy Ant looked in the window and sure enough there was the mural we needed to find.. SWEET.  Now the rules state that you don't need to break the law in order to get a pic so we could have just taken a pic from the window.. but what fun is that.  So we made our way around the back of the building to find an open door.  We made our way in.. 

To the right of us was a door which led to the basement. We immediately closed it as we shivered in fear.  Instead we made our way up the stairs and to the right down a long hallway to the front of the house where the painting was.  I think it was all adrenaline at this point because i don't remember really looking around too much until after we took our picture in front of the bear.  We basically tried to sodomize the bear but we didn't have much luck.  

This is what goes on in an abandoned mental institute in the dead of night. 

After the picture fest we then explored some of the rooms.  CREEPAZOID!  Reminded me of every scary movie i saw since birth.  There was a chair which resembled the electro shock therapy chairs that so conveniently sat in the middle of the hallway. Immediately, Frank sits in the chair and Anthony makes believe he is cutting his hair reenacting the scene in Braveheart when they get haircuts (for those who didn't see Braveheart totally think that really happens).  I got chills thinking that some spirit may have slipped up the bare asshole of Frank possessing him...but i didn't tell him this until right now. Could be why he stepped on a rusty nail at HolyLand USA but that's later... 

Frank's hair needed a quick braiding
This is where the spirit totally crept up Frank's bare ass and took over his body. It got weird.

So just as we are getting ready to leave, we pass the basement door again.  So of course, the others want to go downstairs and check it out.  At this point, once again my voice of reason is saying "we got the picture..cant we just leave" but instead i follow them down quietly.  Not much to see down there except about 50 chairs or so piled on top of each other in front of an old chalkboard.  I imagined hearing little children laughing and seeing young Billy to my left asking me if i like to play tag.  Frank and Anthony once again decided it would be cute to sit in the chairs and make believe they are in class.  This time a spirit climbed up Ant's bunghole which is why he got slimed by Velociraptor at The Battle of Nazareth:  Humans vs Dinosaurs, but more on that later. 

Dont be a fool.. Stay in School

After the photo opp we made our way upstairs and out the building. Surprisingly no creepy boards making noises or anything else like that happened when we were there. In a way, i was kind of bummed as i thought it would be scarier. Oh well.  

We ran back to the car in the middle of the street when we spotted a van coming towards us. We realized quickly it was Ludicrous Speed aka the Spaceball team.  We quickly charged their van as it came towards us.  They didnt seem to stop. It got weird.  We then sorta backed off to teh side as they sorta slowed down and gave us real dirty looks and drove by us.  Umm.. okkaaayy.   We found out later that they didnt see us on the road until the last minute.   Not sure how this was possible when the entire street was lit up and there were 4 people wearing skirts with battle swords running towards your car. Weird.

Virgin Mary - What are you guys dooooinnng?

Next up was to find a 48ft statue of Mother Mary in Stony Point NY.  Getting there was easy but finding it was memorable.  We parked our car at the end of a road that was blocked by a big swinging gate and a sign next to it stating we were at the Marian Shrine.  Ok.. so we found it. Now what.  We get out of our car and head to the right where there is a bunch of nothingingness but trees and grass.  To the left of our car is some homes and behind the gate is a long road that we dont know where it leads to.  So we begin to explore.  We go to our left and run out into the open field looking for a big Mother Mary sticking out behind the trees that laid beneath the land in front of us. Nothing.  So we trek our way back to our car but this time in front of the gate.  We have our little flashlights and looking around for anything.  Just as we approach the gate we step on some sticks and immediately a light in the house in front of us goes on.  We pause.  Freeze frame......

Nothing.. we start to walk again.. quietly.  Then we hear a voice.. "What are you guys doinnnggggg?"  An old lady voice erupts from the house.  We still dont know where she was talking from.  The window.  The door.  We dont know.  We didnt say a word.  We stood motionless for at least 20 seconds.  Finally Anthony says, "Looking for Mary".  His breaking of the ice comment certainly made us laugh. The lady then says "Why?"  in which we then explain to her what we are doing.  She was kind of cool and laughed it off.  Finally we asked, "You wouldn't happen to know where it is would ya?". She responded, "yes of course.  Follow the road till you past the church parking lot.  Not too far after that in the field you will see the statue. You cant miss it.  But be quiet as the priests sleep in the building next to it.  They will call the cops."  This exchange reminded me of the scene in Waynes World when the security guard aka Chris Farley tells Wayne and Garth where Mr Bigg will be heading.  Just a little too much information at a very wierd moment at 4Am.  Regardless, that lady or ghost was spot on.  We saw the Mitt Zombies as they tried to scare us.  Wrong move.  They totally fucked with our car by buttering up the windshield and handles while we were gone.  GAME ON!!!

We got to the statue and well like the lady said you cant miss it. Something about a huge Mother Mary statue in the middle of a field next to sleeping priests is just dam eerie.  At this point the pitch darkness of the sky was beginning to get just a wee bit lighter as it was around 4:30AM.  The statue was getting just a little lighter and Mary was getting more and more recognizable.  

We had to take a pic in front of Mary praying.. so we did Tebowing of course.  Hard to see Mary :-(

The next pic was to sin in front of Mary.  So Frank and Anthony (dam these 2!) decided to scale the platform she stood on and climb up to the base and tebow, balls hanging out and all. 

Holy Land USA

This was one of the most bizarre and memorable stops. Here, in the middle of a residential area, at the end of a dead end on a hill was an old abandonded Jesus "amusement" park.  If you google Holy Land USA.. here i will help you, you will see what i mean.  There are stations of the cross, Garden of Edens, a 57ft cross and bible references everywhere.  Most of it is hard to see because there is trees, weeds and vines growing over most of it. There are rumors that Tim Tebow is looking to restore it.  

The clue was to simply find Nazareth and another was to break  a commandment.  So we did both.  It took us a little longer than expected to find this.  We met up with our other fellow Scotts, the Jackie Stewarts and immediately formed an alliance and together found our clues.  

The first picture was to break a commandment.. so we did.. ADULTERY.  

and the second picture was to find Nazareth.. no not the music group.. 

Humans vs Dinosaurs: The Battle of Holy Land

After we got out of the Holy Land an epic battle took place. One that will be talked about for centuries.  History books are already penning what went down.  Dinosaurs vs Humans.  The battle for the holy land.  Here is how it went down.

After coming out of Holy Land and cleaning up our cars.. we were egged and shaving creamed and god knows what else, we noticed the Jurassic Park team making their way around the bend towards us.  Sweet we thought.  Time for revenge.  They had gotten us pretty good, i believe, at the mine shaft.  I don't actually recall the location but they left a little memorabilia of  a dinosaur on our door handle.  Very smart.  Game on. 

They drove past our car and around the cul-de-sac in which the Holy Land laid beyond.  They drove back past us and then back down the hill.  Hmm.. we thought, Where are they going?  We started to drive down the hill and noticed the Jurassic Park'ers parking their car a bit away from everyone.  My assumption is they didn't want to leave their car around 2 other teams.  I cant blame them. 

We decided to drive past them to make them think that we were leaving.   I think we yelled freedom or some shit as we past.  We parked at the bottom of the hill where they couldnt see us and waited.  The plan was simple; run up to the top of the hill in full gear and attack the shit out of their car.  As we started to make our way up, our allies drove past us letting us know that they left the dinosaur back at the car probably to protect it.  Ok we thought.  1 pesky dinosaur cant do no harm.  Let's do some dino hunting mates! The original plan was to saran wrap the dinosaur but that would not have gone too well. So we went with plan b.. attack the shit out of the car and the dino. 

We ran up the hill.  I was carrying my sword and my shield.  Thinking back now that was stupid because i really didnt have a free hand.  I am polish btw.  Anyways, we ran up the hill.. still running.. it was a big hill and probably would have just been easier to drive in hindsight.  As we approached the jeep, the dinosaur stared confusingly at us.  The closer we got the more uncomfortable he got.  Then Ant stops and starts what seems like small talk with him.  I immediately opened fire.  He was standing at the passenger side door.  We were on the driver side about 50ft away.  I aimed for the windshield so it would splatter all over him and the car.  BAM.  Target hit.  Anthony ran around towards the dinosaurs side pouring crap all over the door and the dinosaur. He had some butter that he not only buttered the outside passenger window but also the inside as well.. Genuis.   I was working my game with the ketchup getting the entire car good.  Frank and Mike were throwing eggs and squirting mustard.   Shit was on!  

Then something happened.   The dinosaur pulled out of the backseat something unimaginable.  Something that everyone fears..or at least who is playing this game.  Velociraptor pulled out maple syrup.  SYRRRRUPPPPP one of us yelled and we all ran.  It was like something out of a cartoon.  Here were 4 dudes wearing skirts in blue makeup and shaggy beards running from something that was in all black and wearing a dinosaur mask.  Benny Hill music playing in the background would have fit the scene perfectly.  As the maple syrup mangler came closer to us, i slipped and fell HARD on my elbow and hip.  The bruise is still there reminding me everyday of this epic battle.  Luckily, the dinosaur ignored me and ran straight down the hill after my mates.  I got up slowly, shook myself off and sorta hobbled down the hill following them.  I was out of ammo so i couldn't do anything except hit him my cardboard/pvc pipe sword - but that's just wrong.   

One day this will portray modern men and how we overcame the dinosaurs.  
BTW - this picture was taken by apparently one of the members of Jurassic Park who was actually in the car with Velocirapter. Way to help your teammate out.  

The dinosaur was gaining on them.  I almost slipped a couple more times on the trails of syrup that laid on the street.  When my mates got to the car they ran around it like 4 girls playing tag.  The dinosaur would run on one side and one of my mates would run on the other. Eggs were flying everywhere.   I believe one of my mates grabbed our syrup and then a syrup battle ensued. 

I wasn't too far away from then when, out of nowhere, some lady comes running out of her house. Now keep in mind.  We are in a residential area and we are being very loud and it is like 6AM.  This out of shape lady comes out of her house in her robe, down her stairs and into the street standing there watching.   Shes about 30 ft from the ensuing battle.  She doesn't say a word.  Just stares.  About 15 seconds later she just runs back into her house.  It was fucking funny. Nobody else saw this but me.  I believe my mates eyes were covered in syrup.  

Then the dinosaur makes his way past our car and down the hill.  I wasn't sure if the Jurassic Park'ers had a retreat call or something but out of nowhere came the red Jeep to pick up their dinosaur.  We immediately got back into our car and then took off attempting to get away from the jeep.  We hid in between streets until finally we were in the clear.  Im not sure who won the battle but that dinosaur was one hell of a sport.  He certainly took one for the team alright.  

About 5 minutes later, we started seeing on Twitter that the cops were all over the Holy Land.  I can only assume the fatty who ran out in her robe called the police. I can only imagine that call:  "Hello officer?  Yes.  There are 4 men dressed as women wearing blue paint on their face throwing eggs and syrup at a dinosaur. Please send backup"

The Adler Hotel

There was simply nothing implying that you were supposed to visit an abandoned hotel anywhere on the checkpoint list. It just simply said something like visit the Spas at the Adler or Columbia. Or somethng like that.  After googling a bit we found out that we indeed had to visit an abandoned hotel named the Adler in Sharon Springs, NY.  The unfortunate part of this was it was daytime when we visited but hey.. the Shining was pretty much filmed in the daytime and that was scary as fuck.  So.. we made our way into the front door that was surprisingly opened. The big Private Property signs grimaced at us as we made our way in.  We took a quick pic inside.  Didnt really navigate too much as we feared that the cops would be paying a visit really soon.  The hotel was very creepy.  There are some great photos of the hotel and also of the entire event here.  

Enjoying the blood of a dead Englishman inside the Adler

Behind the back was our checkpoint.  It was the old spa pool that the hotel provided for its guests.  It looked very tempting to jump in. Something about that green murky water made me think of the NJ beaches.  Home. I didnt go in. I stayed far away.  What was once the vacation home of some millionaires of the time like the Vanderbilts was now the permanaent home to some hundreds of frogs.  They seriously owned this pool.  There was an immediate ribbet speech being made as we approached the pool.  I havent seen that many frogs since Magnolia (great movie if you havent seen it).  I told my boy Anthony that he should kiss the frog to help him make look prettier but he declined.  Poor guy. 

To all the frogs that fought hard for this land.. 

The Awards Ceremony

The Golden Pump

This was the first time i got out of costume in 26hrs.  I wore my wig the entire time; even crossing the border.  My head felt funny and i was fucking tired.  BUT.. when they said the winning team name - Haggis and Shite.. i still just stood there.  I didnt realize we won until my mates started screaming and shouting..haha.. With all these names, cocks_and_kilts, Spicy McHaggis, Braveheart; its sorta hard to remember that your team name is Haggis and Shite.  Regardless, we won.  It was epic. My first time doing this and i take home the golden pump.  We got some GREAT ideas for next year. I am so looking forward to it.  Be sure you guys check out to get all the latest updates.  It was really alot of fun.  Everyone we met was awesome albeit 1 person in particular who took the crown of "Biggest Douche".  But other than that there were some truly great people on this trip. 

Posing with the Golden Pump after our victory for FREEEDOMM

Seacrest out. 


  1. This was a fantastic write-up. Good work, Danny.

    1. Thanks! Was going to include pics of all the teams but i figured just putting your link up would be just as good. was getting looonggggg. Be sure to share it around.. and read more shite from my blog.. its worth it!


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