Skip to main content

Just one of those mornings..

I'm sure everyone has had one of "those mornings" well i got you beat.  Probably not but its a funny story.  Not funny at the time but funny now...i think..


Lately our 11 week daughter Ava has been sleeping through the night.  For those who are parents will know that this is the greatest thing since the creation of dannybart.com to happen.  Having your baby sleep is like winning the lottery.  Well, for my wife it is.  She lets me sleep and takes the night shift as i get my zzzz's.  This is temporary, however, until she goes back to work after Labor Day and then im on nightly baby duties every other day.  Regardless, when Ava gets sleep, my wife gets sleep which, in turn, makes me very happy.  So, needless to say, i woke up in a rather good mood.  



I got up, took a shower, got dressed and made my way downstairs only to find my wife and the baby both sleeping.  Awwww, i thought, as i tiptoed past them making every board in our wood floor squeak MURDERRRRRRR.  I packed my lunch as quiet as possible and brought 2 hardboiled eggs to bring with me for the ride.  It's bagel day at work so i was amped but still needed some protein to start my day.  I made my way outside to my car with my lunch and keys in hand.  I had a brief conversation with my neighbor whom i still have NO IDEA HIS NAME and he has been our neighbor now for almost a year.  :-(  Seeing him reminded me of money because he is an auditor..duh..and it was then i realized, after grabbing my ass, that I didnt have my wallet.  Shit.  Strike 1


I creep back into the house.  Rose awakes and is startled.  I whisper, "I forgot my wallet".  She just shakes her head and says "i cant believe she is still sleeping".  hmmm..ahh ok.    I fly up the stairs and get my wallet which was left in my gym bag from the night before.  :-(  I grab it and sneak back down quietly tip-toeing past something that is very important that i will need but i will get to that later.  


I make my way back to the car and its off to the same 28.6 mile trip to good ol work.   At this point I'm aware i have very little cash on me and have been borrowing money from some peeps at work for lunch.  So, i figure i'd hit the bank on the way in.  I'm a Bank of America customer - dont judge - and the only bank that is near my work is accessible via the side roads in.  So i say fuck it. Its early.  I'm in a good mood.  Let's take the "long" way (10 minutes longer).  You may be saying at this point, "why dont you just go to another bank".  Well, because i am a cheap fuck and dont want to pay another bank AND my bank to take money out.  Its a crime and whoever is in charge of this fee should be arrested but thats another blog.  So, because i am cheap bastard i will pay an additional 3 dollars in gas to go out of my way to take out money at my bank and avoid a fee.  Go figure.... 


Anyways, I go the "long" way to work and get to my bank only to discover that the ATM machine is temporarily out of order.  So my decision to take the long way in to take money out of my bank to avoid a fee was a failure.  Strike 2. 




I get to work; still pissed from my ATM experience.  Its approximately 7:30.  The sun is out and shining. The birds are chirping and i being to feel better.  I get inside the office and put my lunch in the fridge. I walk over to my cube to see 2 coworkers hanging outside of it.  My brain panics thinking they need me for something but they are just shooting shit.  Whewwww.  I take a seat at my desk and then goto turn my computer on when i realize something drastic.  


I say to Coworker 1, "you gotta be kidding me." as i shake my head.  Coworker 2 chimes in and goes "Uh Oh"  Coworker 1 interrupts with "No way.  You left it home again?" -  in reference to me forgetting my work id badge at home.  Without it, you cannot log into your computer. Its called a smart card but it is not smart whatsoever. You have to go through a painful help desk phone call with lots of numbers and id's to give them in order to get a passcode to log in with .  Long story short...it sucked.  -   I say, "No.  i wish.  Even worse.  I LEFT MY FUCKING LAPTOP AT HOME!!".  Coworker 1 and 2 both laugh and tell me "you need to get your daughter off your mind".  "FUCK YOU" i say in my head as i simply say "see you tomorrow" and get my lunch and keys and head back to my car.  Boooo me.  Of course i get outside and now it is raining on me.  WTF!??  Strike 3






At this point, its not worth the aggrevation of going all the way home, getting my laptop and then coming all the way back to work.  Luckily, my boss is dope and let's me work from home in situations like this.  Soooo.. i drive home.  


My work is 20 something miles west of NYC so i am against traffic on the way in.  However, since i am now driving home I am now IN the direction of traffic.  So of course i get stuck in a little bit of traffic.  I take the side streets home as a result. Wasting more gas to save a buck from the ATM experience early.  Which, BTW, i still never got money out of the bank.  I feel like Henry from Goodfellas when the hellicopter is chasing him. Man what a day that 


So since Thursday is bagel day i was really really hoping for one.  I decided to hit up the bagel shop next to my home.  I get a wheat bagel with light cream cheese. I then take my wallet out to discover 2 dollars.  YIKES i think as the cashier rings me up and the friendly display says "2.10".  Hmm.  "Ok" i think as i take my credit card out.  This is also the exact same time that i see a note on teh register stating "No credit card transactions under $5".  Usually i would applaud this statement. I mean seriously.  What kind of society do we live in where we need to charge a stick of gum.  However, being in this situation im like FUCCCCKKK.  I dont say a word. I just say 'Ill be right back' and make my way out of the door across the street to a non Bank of America bank to take out money.  I got hit with a $2 transaction fee plus my bank charges me $2.  So the bagel cost me $6.10.  STRIKE 4. 


I go back and pay for my bagel and get the hell home.  I tell my wife my story but all she can do is tell me how excited she is about the baby sleeping through the night...AGAIN.  Remember, its not about me anymore.  Sighhh.  So i get my laptop from my laptop bag that is sitting on the floor that i tiptoed by earlier not once but twice and turn it on.  Not surprisingly i get a blue screen immediately.  I then try to reboot.  Finally after the 3rd time and 20 minutes later i am rebooted and ready to work.  That is until i realize my home network is down.  Seriously?  STRIKE 5.   After 20 minutes i get it all figured out and finally begin my day while Rose watches her daily routines on TV.. Kelly Rippa and Friends, Kathy Lee and some other bitch, 90210 etc.  STRIKE 6!!!


Morale of this story -  There is only 3 strikes you idiot!!!  NOT 6!  DID YOU FORGET??

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

My Justin Timberlake Experience .. and my shameful beer snob status

I have seen some great legends live in concert over the years.  Paul McCartney, Billy Joel, One Direction - to name a few.  But one in particular - Mr Justin Timberlake aka Justin Bart or JB as he goes by - was one for the ages. 

I got to enjoy this spectacular human with my beard wife Rose last night at the Prudential Center, in the city of dreams, Newark NJ.




The Perineal Massage..

My wife is approaching her 37th week of pregnancy.  Apparently, in your 37th week you are supposed to begin massaging your perineum.  "What's a perineum", you asked as so did i?  The perineum is basically the taint.  "Ahhhh.. ok.  I get it.  But massage it??", is what i asked.  Yes, massaging it helps with the pain when the baby crowns during childbirth.  "So just rub it or sumthin?" (in Chip Chipperson voice .. Opie and Anthony fans anyone??)  Not quite.. 
Here are the instructions on how to successfully massage your perineum:

The Christmas Glitter Bomb

Its that time of year again.  A time when people and family members that you haven't talked to, well, since last Christmas, reach out with open arms and send you their annual Christmas card.  We took part this year as we now have a newborn.  We both felt obliged to show off our little one to everyone on our wedding list and beyond.  It felt nice.  It's more of a hey-look-how-cute-our-kid-is behind a Merry Christmas message.  Regardless, our card was a simple photo that did NOT have a surprise waiting as you opened up the envelope. A surprise that jumps out at you and says "SURPRISEEEEEE!!!oh and merry christmas"  I'm talking about the glitter bomb.  You all know who you are.