As the definition clearly implies, cabbage is a vegetable and should be eaten..not worn. Worn? Let's just say that this blog post may be crossing the boundaries of marital bliss. In fact, i may be sleeping in the garage - since we dont have a dog house - after the woman in my life reads this. However, when you have a good subject to write about there is nothing that can stop you!
When the woman gives birth, the breasts turn from a party for the husband to life nourishment for the baby. This all happens within seconds. If you had read my prior blog posts about this experience then you will know that its a crazy and sudden change that's very blogworthy.
Our little bundle of joy is now 1 month old. She is eating a lot more than she was when she was 2 days old. Therefore, this calls for more supply and demand in which the factory is having a hard time keeping up with production. Over the last couple days, something has happened; the milk supply has run out. For reasons unknown, my wife's breasts decided to no longer provide food for our little precious. I'd like to believe that the real reason is because, in approximately 2 weeks, intimacy can begin again allowing those wonderful milk duds to now be all mine again. But this is probably not the case. Perhaps, it was because Daddy was fighting Ava at times to get to those breasts and mother nature just had enough of these shenanigans.. Who knows.
Now, when the breasts start to go into a draught there are some measurements that need to take place. One would think that allowing the breasts to simply dry up would be an easy task huh? If your a man you would certainly think so. But no, there are a number of steps that need to be done in order for a successful closing-up-the-shop routine. One in particular is a must to discuss (hey that rhymed!)
Here is where my marital bliss comes to an end....
Back to the cabbage.. remember that? I cleverly named this blog Cabbage Patch T*ts for a reason. And if you were smart like me you would know that the * is an "i" revealing the word Tits. Let's paint the picture..
|yes..i made this..just for this blog..|
I come home from my soccer game on Sunday at around noon. I have a nice big breakfast, take a nice shower and relieve Rose from her motherly duties while she runs to the grocery store.. (she really didnt run but you know what i mean). I'm exhausted from my game and luckily so was Ava; although her game was the night before keeping Mommy up for 4 hours while she played "I'm Possessed". So luckily she was just as exhausted as me. So i fed her then we both took a nice nap. It had to be about 2 hours later when i awoke to my wife standing over me with a camera taking a picture of me and my little sunshine. It was then i noticed something. It wasn't the beautifulness that she possessed or the pretty outfit that she was wearing that exhibited her figure showing off the exuberant weight she had lost in only 1 month time. No, it was something else. Her boobs, which already possesesd God-like powers looked a little different. They looked sort of lumpy.
I've been with my wife for 12 years.. well 5 of them married and there are some questions you can ask someone you know forever with no problem. But i just couldn't ask my wife why her boobs looked like chock full of nuts. It was then i saw it happen. As she walked away, she adjusted something around her gargantuan play toys.. At first, I couldn't make it out but then i saw something that looked like a whitish green sticking out from her shirt.
Ava is on my chest and i need to check out Rose's situation immediately but getting a sleeping baby off of your chest while still keeping her asleep is a project. It may also be one of the greatest feats of human existence but thats a later blog. So 5 minutes of me successfully shimming away and getting Ava in her Cuddle Cove with Jesus playing next to her (read my Jesus blog) I make my way into the kitchen to check out what is growing out of Rose's chest.
Her back is towards me and as i approach her i can see her doing something. I had to pick up my jaw off the floor (it still hurts) when i saw my wife wearing what appeared to be a Cabbage Bra. When she saw me she immediately got embarrassed and explained to me that the cabbage helps the breasts from getting engorged with milk better known as simply engorgment. All i heard was "Cabbage" as i was uncontrollably laughing clearly proving that parenthood has certainly matured me. I mean, seriously, cabbage? She walks around the house now with cabbage leaves stuffed under her shirt. A sure site for sore eyes.
As my wife states: "Whatever is in the cabbage it really helps. They feel so much better!". Umm.. its amazing how much your life changes when you have a child.
Today there was broccoli rabe in our refrigerator and i swear for the life of me this was going to be worn around her waist or something to help with stretch marks. FYI.. We winded up eating it for dinner. Thank god.
I can only say this: It's like cabbages were meant to be worn over breasts. They fit PERFECTLY. Im wondering if you can buy cabbage cup sizes. Thats a site to see. A woman "trying on" cabbage leaves at the grocery store. "Engorgment" she says to an ongoing woman stranger who nods in approval. So now our refrigerator contains 3 HUGE heads of cabbage. My thinking is only the outer leaves will be used because those are the big ones? Will the smaller leaves conveniently come in handy as the breasts begin to shrink as the milk "dries up". Jeez.. God works in mysterious ways. So, if you see me in approximately 2 weeks and my mouth smells like cabbage now you know why!! :-) Or.. perhaps after this blog you will see me walking around with my head down freshly seperated and sleeping on the streets. :-(