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Breaking News - Colic Calm is the new drug for infants

There is a new drug on the street for infants and its called Colic Calm Gripe Water.  Some may know it as simply Gripe or Black Drank, due to its black dark color, but it is slowly taking over America.  

What is Colic Calm? 

Colic Calm is a Gripe Water which is a liquid intended to relieve gas or discomfort in babies.  There are many gripe waters and they all seem to have their own recipe but the brand Colic Calm seems to have the perfect mixture. 

It basically contains BIG words to show that this stuff means business. I have no idea what any of those ingredients are.  Another reason to give it to my baby i assume. ;-)

What does it do?

Last night I had the opportunity to witness first hand its powers.  My Ava was experiencing her "I'm Possessed" time - 10PM to whenever - and so i decided at approximately 1:45AM, like JLo, I've had ENOUGH.  I went downstairs and grabbed the unopened, freshly sealed bottle off the table.  I read the instructions multiple times, looked over the ingredients over and over again and finally opened the bottle which took me 5 minutes because i was fighting back the urge to fall alseep.  The instructions told me to shake very well so i did.  When i opened it I swear i saw something magical swish its way out of the bottle.  Perhaps i was just tired.  I used the eye dropper they provided, which was worth the 18 bux alone.  The eye dropper was AMAZING!!!  Whoever invented this eye dropper should get a pat on the back.  Way better than those other shitty ones i've been using from the gas drops we've been giving her.  Sigghhh.. Anyways, I noticed a black tarry looking substance in the eye dropper.  I cringed.  I read the instructions again and saw that this color is normal. Ok, i thought as i hesitantly filled up the eye dropper to its required measurement.  Of course it spilled all over the place and so i had to clean it up all while trying to hold my crying baby. Parenthood.  The towel I cleaned it with looked like i just used this towel to change the oil on my car. Gross out.   And so after cleaning the mess, i took Ava into the kitchen by the sink where i knew that i can hide the evidence should she spit it up. Mommy would never knew this transaction took place.  So I "injected" her mouth with this black, tarry substance.  Slowly, I released the drug into her mouth and the side of her cheeks.  Her reaction was at first confused as her eyes lit up.  Within seconds she was sucking down the magic elixir.  

She drank it quick.  I couldn't understand this at first until i took a small amount and realized it was quite flavorful.  Up until this point, our little bundle of joy has only been privied to Mother's milk (not the Stout beer) and gross, oatmeal smelling formula.  So this was a treat for her.  After she finished it, she began to smack her lips uncontrollably.  Her body started fidgeting.  I swear at this point I was able to see Satan leaving Ava's body. It was quite scary and beautiful all at once.  The smacking intensified. I heard belly noises coming from her and I thought Oh Shit she's gonna spit this shit up. But she didnt.  Instead something else happened... 

Ava's entire body went relaxed and her eyes closed.  I held her in my arms and i swear i thought I killed her. I'm not joking. I actually put my hand to her nose to see if she was still breathing.  It was then i realized that Colic Calm is the SHIT!  It knocked her out cold.  Is this shit street legal??  Apparently it is as it is the only Gripe Water to be approved by the FDA.  That FDA board must have fussy children and know the struggle for them to approve this! 

I cleaned up the crime scene downstairs and took Ava back upstairs into her crib.  Climbed back into bed and went to sleep.  Ava was out for the count..until she shit herself an hour later to wake us up again.. but that's a different story. 

Seriously.. they need to tell people that "Sleep may follow naturally after relief".. naturally?? 

Ok, So then how is this considered a drug... 

Words cant describe what i experienced last night.  The almighty power of the Black Drank truly proves that this drug will take the world by storm.  Ava went from being possessed and screaming REDRUM to sleeping like an angel within seconds of giving her Black Drank.  I checked the ingredients numerous times for alcohol but there doesn't seem to be any in it.  Somehow, Black Drank will make its way to the black market.  People will begin selling it and we will see more episodes of people getting their faces eaten off.  The man who had his face eaten off was clearly on Black Drank as he laid unconscious as another man aka Zombie who was on "Bath Salts" ate his face whole for 17 minutes.  Black Drank is that powerful and needs to be stopped.. especially if a Zombie Apocalypse is under way. 

Signs to look for

If you feel a loved one or an infant is on Black Drank please check for the following signs 
  • Black gums and lips.  The biggest sign of Black Drank induction is the gums and lips will be black.  This is because Black Drank is .. duh.. black and leaves a mustache similar to a "milk mustache" around the mouth.  Babies aren't sly enough to hide the evidence. 

  • Sleeping as if in a coma.  One sip of Black Drank and you are down for the count. The potent homeopathic ingredients are geared in a way to knock out your baby.  They use clever words like "ensures relief" to hide the fact that it simply drugs the baby and puts them to sleep.  Yes, this ensures relief for everyone. Nicely done.
  • Black stains and clothing.  My experience with Black Drank is that this shit is messy and BLACK. It will stain anything and everything it touches.. including your hands and fingers and towels.  Be sure to check your surroundings.

  • Happy parents.  This is a HUGE sign that something is wrong. If the parents are happy and smiling and saying how great their baby is to everyone around them then the baby is definitely on Black Drank.  A good baby is unheard of..unless they are on Colic Calm.  Then they will be drugged to sleep all day long without a peep.  

Will i be using Colic Calm in the future?

Fuck YESSS!!  This shit is the BOMB.  

As with all my posts please "like" even if you dont like it.  Your LIKE will post to your Facebook wall which will help spread the word of the Bart Chronicles.  Thanks! 


  1. This is the best review ever. Hilarious!

  2. Agree with prior comment and with it's powerful effect. I believe it's the charcoal ingredient that provides the best impact.


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