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Hiccups = The Devil's Whisper

For an adult, hiccups are annoying.  They come out of nowhere and you usually begin your ritual of cures to get rid of them.  Somehow or another they seem to go away and then do not return for quite some time; sometime even months.

For a baby, especially an infant, they are adorable.  Nothing cuter than watching a newborn bounce up while making a little "meep" noise out of its cute little mouth, right?  No.  The only time this is acceptable is the following situations:

  1. The baby is an infant and literally just came out of mommy's belly to exhibit this cute and funny hiccup routine for the first time.  
  2. The baby is not yours.

The first time a newborn hiccups is probably one of the cutest things you have ever seen.  This little cutey patootey (yes i said that) cant even really make noises yet, except cry, and here it is helplessly hiccupping putting on a little show for everyone around.  Immediately those around will say things like "awwww, she has the hiccups" or "OMG she's adorable".  I believe i said this myself the first time i saw Ava do this.  It was a beautiful little thing.  At first you are thinking 'OH she ok' until the nurses immediately tell you that it is completely normal for babies to hiccup. I remember thinking, as i held my 25 minute old baby in my arms while mommy was getting stitched up (gewww), how cool and precious this moment was.   Each hiccup was a like a new scary movie for her and i was there to comfort her.   

That was 2 weeks ago... 

I can say that now that hiccups SUCK.  They are the Devil's whisper. How so?  Let me draw you the picture..

You get woken up by your little precious at 3AM.  Its your turn to get her so you wake up and grab her and get her out of the room so Mommy doesn't wake.  (Side note - This Mommy talk im doing is something that we've been doing on a  daily basis.  I'm officially that guy. )  You change her diaper, which takes 20 minutes because Mom decides to dress up pretty Ava in an outfit that has 17 buttons that Dad has no idea how to reconfigure, and then start to feed her.

I cant even imagine how long this ensemble would take to put together. 

As you are feeding her, she poops, naturally, again in your arms.  Like a bad father you let her keep eating and burping her when needed. You then change her diaper and attempt to put together her outfit with the 17 buttons.  She now looks like a connect the dots gone wrong but thats ok.  You pick her up and quietly carry her in your arms to your glider.  You rock back and forth and attempt to sing a song.  The singing is terrible and you are thinkig holy f she is going to seriously be awake for hours with this awful singing.  Apparently, babies are not American Idol critics as your scary singing voice is putting her to sleep.  It's now almost an hour.  Yes.. this process takes long.. and you are tired and want to go back to sleep.  Suddenly ... she is out.  

An hour has gone by.  Your baby is now sleeping.  But through experience you still have to continue to hold her until she gets passed her REM sleep which is like the first 20 minutes.  During this time, a whisper can wake her and its back to the drawing board.  She's fading quick.  Her eyes are darting back and forth under her eyes. Her arms are like Hulk Hogans after getting knocked out by Andre the Giant in Wrestlemania 3.  She's down for the count.  My terrible attempt at singing rap songs worked. She's out.  Just as you start to slowly get up something happens.  The unthinkable.  

How can something so cute and adorable turn into something like this:

As if Satan himself decided to come into the room and take over our little daughter's body and tell us the following "Hiccup, Hiccup", said Satan.   1 hiccup every 10 seconds turns into 2 every 5.  Her little body jumps with each breath Satan takes.  HICCUP. You curse to God and as you do you notice her 1 eye is starting to open. HICCUP.  Then the other eye.  HICCUP. Then she starts to move.  Suddenly Hulk Hogan's arm becomes straight and solid and full of life.  HICCUP.  Her dead like limbs are now swinging rapidly hitting her in her face getting her more annoyed.  HICCUP.  She is now starting to make other noises besides the hiccups and its called crying.  Her legs start to kick out.  HICCUP. The nice swaddle aka mental patient clothing you attempted is now falling apart with each strong kick.  HICCUP. Her mouth begins to smack back and forth as if she is hungry.. but you just fed her.  HICCUP. The hiccups get stronger and more powerful until she is completely awake, wide eyed and in a fight for her life to get out of my arms.  HICCUP.  HICCUP.

You think to yourself "you want out of my arms?  where are you going to go?  You cant move!" as she is fussing and fighting for who knows what.  HICCUP.   Thoughs go racing in your head.  HICCUP. HICCUP. You think how to get these hiccups to go away.  You try to scare her.  HICCUP.  That  doesnt work as she doesnt even know who you are let alone that you are holding her.  HICCUP.  You hold her breath for a few seconds.  Of course you do  not. For the authorities reading this i swear that was a joke.  HICCUP.  You try to give her water but then realize that you can't because she is a gremlin and cant have water.  You think about putting a spoon in her mouth while attempting to give her her bottle.  There is nothing you can do but wait it out.  Satan has completely taken over your baby now.  HICCUP. HICCUP. HICCUP. The hiccups are now slowing but she is like Linda Blair as a newborn.  Her head is whipping back and forth.  She is making grunting noises.  Little whimpers and cries seem to be coming out of other places that her mouth.  And just like that Satan decides to leave poor Ava alone and go visit Tyler down the street for his 4AM feeding.  The damage is done.  The baby is awake.  You are now FUCKED and have to start the whole routine all over again.  To top it off, she is suddenly hungry as she shit herself making more room for food.  Nice.. THANKS SATAN!!!! 

And so as i type this because i actually had some time for myself..guess who has the hiccups.. Yes my little Ava.  Sigghhhhhh

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