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Birds are Dicks!

After my first week of being a father i can say that it truly is life changing and a remarkable feeling.  To know that my wife and i created life is mind boggling.. and for those who know me.. fcking scary!  I would like to say that our first full week of being home alone with the baby has been interesting. We were very lucky with our little Ava as for the first few days only made a whimper when she was hungry.  Well, somehow, that has all changed.. but thats another blog.  This blog is all about birds!!
I realized something during this life changing experience and its not that babies sleep during the day and NOT at night as they should.  No, its that birds don't sleep either when they are supposed to.  How so?  I'll tell you.  The second night, i was on baby duties, and so Ava woke up around 2.  I woke up, changed her diaper, fed her, changed her diaper again while getting shit on and then rocked her back to sleep in which she totally shit herself again in which i had to change her diaper..again!  This process takes at least 45 minutes.  Its tiring and it gets messy.  Just an FYI for any soon-to-be parents.  So I get her back to sleep and then bring her back in our room in her little bed (i dont know the technical terms for this stuff.. its a bed to me!).  I then lay down and try to get some sleep. 

It's hard to just simply fall back to sleep.  Especially, when your baby sounds like the exorcist as it grunts and coos and makes all strange breathing noises as she sleeps.  Any little peep out of her and Im up just waiting for the cry.  This was my second night and so I didn't know what the hell i was doing.  I am a little better now but still dont know what the hell i am doing.  Having said all that, its not the baby keeping me up, its the fucking birds outside!!

It's 3AM and i hear "Tootle lee Tootle lee Doo" from what sounds like a whole army of birds waiting to take over Nutley.  I must start this by stating that I am not a light sleeper BUT to fall asleep i need pitch dark and no noise.  I'm already in trouble because now we have night lights illuminating our entire 3rd floor thanks to the baby and us walking into walls the first night.  Our baby seems to like loud noises to sleep (go figure) and Daddy likes no noise. Of course.  So back to the birds.. I lay down and hear the coming of World War 3 - The Bird Wars.  We live in a townhouse development.  There are trees like every 30 yards or so.  The Tootle Lee Doos started, what sounded like, down the block at Tree 1.  Like a scene from a scary movie, the noises got closer and closer until it was all around our room. It sounded like the birds were shouting at the window "Hey FUCKER .. WAKE THE FUCK UP!!!".  They wouldn't stop yelling at me.  First, its 3AM.  Why are birds chirping!!  What the fuck are they doing??  Are they confused??  It's not sunrise yet!  And second, why are they only around my window??  Did I hit their cousin with a car?  Did I eat their distant chicken cousin Louie?  Did I somehow become the pigs in Angry Birds!??

I was tossing and turning as i was listening to Tony the bird try to coo his love to Vanessa from down the block at Tree 4.  Then Vito jumped in and started yelling something. I dont speak Bird so i couldn't really understand but it sounded something like "Yo, thats my girl, bird.  Fly back.  Whistle Whistle Tweet Tweet".  Suddenly, there was a scuffle and birds starting chirping away.  I can only imagine that Vito was winging the shit out of Tony for trying to fly away with his girl!  I dont know.  What i do know is that i gave up on sleep and started playing Scramble with Friends.  This was the same time that my wife woke to use the bathroom and asked why am i up playing games.  I said.. "the fucking birds!" in a very sleep-deprived, groggly old man way.  Within seconds, she was fast asleep while all i heard was Tweetle Too Tootly Dee over and over and over again.   Finally, the bird army made its way down the block.  My guess is that Vanessa the bird was trying to get with Samuel over on Tree 5.  Who knows!  But i finally went to sleep after I believe an hour.  Nice second night!  The best part about all this is that Ava (my baby) slept like an angel.  

I was thinking of combatting this Bird war by going to the local trees at midnight, when i know for sure that they are asleep, and start yelling at the top of my lungs at the tree.  That will get their attention.  They want to wake me!!  I dont think so!  This is a message from Tree 3.. STAY THE FUCK AWAY!!!

It's ironic..and i just realized this now.  As i type this blog post, my daughter is sleeping in her swing thing.  And guess what noise is playing.. bird noises!!! WTF!!!!  Of course she is sound asleep.  I better get used to these birds noises. 

Birds are dicks!!


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