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8 Jobs I DONT Want My Daughter To Have

Now that my little munchkin is a week old i think about how quick the time has gone.  Before long she will be walking and talking, throwing up all over me, pooping on the potty instead of Daddy's hands when changing diaper, playing with my iPhone, eating everything that goes near her mouth (watch it!), having nightmares and running into Mommy and Daddy's room in the middle of the night scaring the shit out of us, leaving us for Kindergarten then grade school, playing an instrument that she doesn't want to play, getting sent to the principles office because she is like her Daddy,
graduating the 6th grade and off to middle school, having her first crush on a kid named Jacob which the Bart Brothers will break his 12 year old leg, going through puberty and thinking her parents are the biggest dorks, getting into HUGE fights with mom over girl shit, Daddy teaching her how to drive and freaking out, going on her first date (one can only hope it will be this late in life), getting her license, and finally graduating high school and off to a million dollar a year college.  (EDIT - reading this back to my wife she teared...hormones!)

And so as i think about this i almost tear. My baby is already 1 week old!!  What will she do in life?  What will she become?  What will my crazy antics turn her into??  

Here is a list of the jobs that i DO NOT want my little marshmallow to have.  DISCLAIMER: I dont want MY daughter to have this job.  It doesnt mean im a hater of the job. .. Ok i probably am. 

In no particular order... 

The Obvious

Do I need to state the obvious?  I know there is great money "dancing" but let's face it, stripping is like marijuana; a gateway drug.  Once you have a little you want to try "other" stuff and we all know what that "other" is.  Julia Roberts may have "escorted" her way into the hands of a very wealthy millionaire but let's remember that this is a movie.  Fairy tale or not, i think what everyone forgets is that Pretty Woman Viv banged guys for money.  Sure, Richard Gere was her first.. or was he?? Im calling that a big fat lie. She's been whoring around for years and I'm sure it all started with stripping. Sure, they dont mention it in the movie but we all know the truth.  

The Babysitter

Seriously, a babysitter??  What on earth could be wrong with a babysitter?  Everything!  A babysitter is another word for "i will have sex with my boyfriend while you are away and get paid for it while pretending to take care of your baby" which equates back to getting paid to have sex. I dont want my daughter to have any part of this.  I will give her 20 bucks out of my pocket instead of some schmo allowing her to have time away from mom and dad offering a place to shack up with some high school punk. No Sir-ee

The Teacher

Seriously, what is up with this list?  How can a teacher be a bad job for your daugher?
Ummm.. have you read the news lately?  Young women teachers are just throwing themselves at kids lately.  Young kids too which is even more gross.  The Bartosiewicz legacy multimedia name will NOT become a part of the same thing it represents; making fun of people.  Every single man, at one point in his life, had a fantasy about his hot teacher.  Since, Ava is a Bart she will be hot so i dont want puberty driven boys drooling and "thinking" of my little pumpkin like that!  I object. 

The President

What??  Are you crazy?  I know.  I know. Every single new parent always says "one day you can be the president of the USA if you want".  No she can't.  Why would I want my precious to be a part of a system of ridicule. I'm political in no way whatsoever but what i do know is that nobody likes you if you are a politician. And if you are the president and HOT, you are just asking for it.  I wont have it.  No way.  No how.

The Computer Programmer

I can only imagine how much IT jobs the future will hold.  Everything is digital these days. I should know.. i work in the industry. Therefore, i do NOT want my daughter shlubbing behind a desk all day long writing code for a major company.  Unless, of course, she's the next Zuckerburg..this is an exception.  But please, oh please, at least get good grades so Daddy doesnt have to pay for college! But back to the future of IT.  Can you say robots?  I can.. Ro-Bots.  They will be taking us all over. Just you wait.  Dam you Steve Jobs.  Another reason why i dont want my Ava to be a programmer is because she will be super smart and create a chip that will cause the robots to attack and Arnold Schwarzenneger will come from the future to try to kill her. I cant have this!

The Starbucks Barista aka ASSHOLE

If you have read my blog about Starbucks then you will know how i feel about these people.  They are smug and think they own the world making 7 dollars an hour.  If you have not then you (conveniently placed here -> Click me).  The barista listens to too-cool-for-school music and wears their hair in weird hip ways.  They mock you to your face and care way too much if you recycle.  Well, somebody stole our recycle bin when we moved in to our house.  So therefore, we dont recycle. How bout them apples Baristas!  Ava would rather work for Dunkin Donuts.. but then again NO!!  The "extra sugar" Dunkin Donuts hooker from the Rockaway store; remember her!   D&D whore  So now NO coffee jobs at all in my daughter's future!!!

The Blogger

Thanks to her father aka ME, Ava Bart will, i hope, NOT want to blog or do anything on the internet.  Let's face it, her Daddy is annoying on Facebook and even more so with his "blogs".  The last thing that i want is my daughter to be an annoying blogger whom has people laughing at her and not with her.  Yes, i have millions and millions of viewers but this took years of work and many sleepless nights which almost caused my marriage to crumble.  Ok..none of that is true..well except the millions of viewers.  See.. another attempt at humor.  Dam you Ava.. your fucked!!!

The Nurse

After seeing my wife's breasts getting attacked by several nurses and sometimes all at once, i do not want my daughter Ava to have any part of this. Sure, nurses are wonderful. They are needed.  But i know, somewhere outside the maternity ward, there is a poor man who needs to have some kind of testicle surgery.  And i am sure there is some poor nurse who is shaving his testicles as we speak.  OR.. some nurse who is helping the DR stick a tube up a man's asshole to look for anything suspicious OR some nurse who is changing the bloody pads of a newborn mother.. YUCK.  I cant have this.  I have seen Grey's Anatomy (unfortunately) and i know what goes on in those "storage closets".. NO WAY!!

Any other ideas?? 


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