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The 3-peat - 1 Sh*tty Situation

Last night I personally got to experience what every parent experienced, i can assume,  one time in their life.  I have officially named this the 3-Peat as there is no other way to put it.  Michael Jordan had 2 3-peats as did Kobe Bryant.  But this isn't basketball championships we are talking about here.  No siree.  This is the performance of a little person named Ava who decided to shit, pee and spitup on Daddy all in a 3hr period.. the 3-peat.


Where to begin...




It started at 11:00PM, an hour later than my daughter's usual 10PM "fussy time" (what we've decided to call her 2hr period where she is Satan..or at least i have).  Rose had Ava and after a long day and little sleep the night before, i played the good Dad and stepped in, something I will regret ever doing.  As my Zombie partner named Rose gave me our daughter who was crying for no reason, I snuck her away into her little room closing the door behind us.  This would become my jail cell that I would share with my new mate named Satan for the next few hours. 


I started my little tradition which is singing bad songs in my really bad voice.  It started to work.  Actually, I was surprised on how quick that I almost put her to sleep. Her relaxed body collapsed in my arms would be a sure sign that she is now ready to go asleep, right?  Wrong.  For those who have read my hiccup blog, then you will know that Satan decided to come pay little Ava a visit.  HICCUP HICCUP.  It started.  Ava's little body began to shake with each time the Devil spoke those magical words, "hiccup".  Ava suddenly awoke, kicking and fussing.  Her fussy time turned into possession time as her body suddenly appeared to be able to wake the dead with her cryptic noises that were coming from her mouth.  What to do, I thought?  Let's feed her was what i decided.  A decision i will forever regret.  A decision that we will learn the next day at our conveniently scheduled pediatric appointment that we should not feed her every time she "appears" hungry as if she is a gremlin.  Umm.. ok.  


She ate 1.5 oz which is 1.5oz not enough.  The time was now 12:15.  She appeared to be in a milk coma.  Satan and his devilish ways had left leaving little Ava relaxed.  Mom's boob juice (yuck) magically did the trick.  She was out.  For some reason, sometimes my polish mind works in mysterious ways, i decided to check her diaper.  She had peed.  Ok, so being a good Dad because my assumption a bad Dad would let her sleep in her wet diaper, i decided to change her.  Once again, Rose loves to dress our little Ava in complicated clothing.  Clothing that Dad's cant figure out.  They involve button configurations that even the most successful scholars would have issues with.  With each button caused my little Ava to shake, because why wouldnt the buttons be able to come off easily.  No, you have to force them off.  Ughh.. i can go on and on about the fucking buttons but perhaps i will save that for another blog.  


And so there i am, changing Ava's diaper.  I realize that the baby wipes are no more.  I goto get the refills which are seriously like in the drawer to my right.  I'm not sure how it happened but within that 10 seconds it took for me to get the new box of baby wipes opened and ready, Ava somehow managed to pee all over herself, the changing station she is laying in, as well as her clothes.  I didnt even see it happen.  It was as if the Devil came in, once again, and poured water from the sky magically all over Ava.  So now i have a wet, dirty baby in a wet changing station that needs serious attention.  


Somehow patience becomes your best friend in these situations. I am not sure how that works.  Perhaps, because you know there is nothing you can do but handle the situation the best you can.  So i did and it worked.  I got her completely naked, which, by the way, took me a long time to get that stupid shirt off and cleaned her off nicely.  Then came the time for me to put the clean, dry shirt or outfit, or whatever you call these things, on Ava.  Again, i can go on for how long this took me but instead i will just simply say that I made her cry furiously with my changing situation.  Some things Dads just cant do or at least me.  


Its now 12:45. She is relaxed and calm again.  I get her to sleep and tiptoe my way back into our room where she is staying with us for the next couple weeks.  I get her down in her bed thing and tiptoe away.  Within 7 seconds she is crying again.  I dont want to wake my wife so i pick her up and get her out of the room like a crack head stealing booze.  I get back on my new best friend, Rocky the glider, and rock her back to sleep. 


The both of us are relaxed.  Every now and then she gets a bit fussy. My assumption is gas.  I burped the shit out of her prior (not literally..well at least not yet)  so either i made it worse or didn't do anything but annoy her.  Not sure.  To be able to explain what happened next is difficult so i will try my best...


I am sitting on Rocky and she is cradled in my arms, being supported by my lap.  I am rocking her back and forth.  She lets out a HUGE wet fart that sounded like something that Fat Bastard would have claimed.  I laugh and say GOOD JOB AVA.  Then another long wet fart. I realize at this point im fucked because i have to change her diaper which will, in turn, cause her to wake again.  I wait a bit.  Usually 1 or 2 farts is not enough. I have had experienced 2 other times that 1 fart means that when you are changing her another fart will come with explosive shit.  I dont want to play that game again.  So i wait.  



As I'm waiting, I feel like im getting warm.  Its a strange feeling.  Its as if Rocky, the glider, suddenly turned on the seat heater which of course is not part of the Rocky package.  It was then I realized.  No it cant be.  Yes it can.  My little Ava's wet farts were apparently a lot more wet than i thought. In fact, it was so wet that it crept out of her diaper and all over Daddy.  My entire genital area felt warm and dirty.  It's something i will never talk about again openly, which is the reason for this blog.  But there was nothing i can do but sit in it.  I cant go shower because she needs to be cleaned first.  I pick her up and see shit all over her new outfit that I put her in. You know, the outfit that took me 5 minutes to get her in.  I take her back to the changing station, the one that was peed on, and get her out of her shitty clothes, literally.  If you think it took long for me to change her wet clothes from piss well think about how long it took me to change her shitty clothes.  It was a process but once again i did it.  A proud pat on my back or my swampy shorts that are wet with my baby's shit; take your pick, is something i deserved.  


It's now 2:15.  For some unknown reason Ava is wide awake.  It's as if she knows that Dad has a wet diaper that needs changing.  At this point, I'm thinking she could have changed my diaper faster than me as i am fucking tired.  I'm trying hard to do my Dad shit (no pun inteneded) to get her back to sleep but at this point she is smacking her lips as if she is now hungry.  Immediately, i think, "Well she just shit herself dirty rotten.  Perhaps, she is hungry because there is no more food in her belly".  So, i feed her; this time formula because Rose's factory has ran out of supply until the morning.  She gulps down 1oz like it was her last meal before her execution.  


I did it!!  I burped my baby!!!!
I begin my burping routine in which i get a few burps.  When you get a burp out of your baby you feel as if you won a championship of some sort.  Its truly an awesome, accomplished feeling.  And so I feed her the rest of the formula; 2oz total.  Once again, food won this battle and Ava is out for the count.  I get her back in her little bed thing in our room and sneak out of the room so i can finally shower.  Tip-Toe, tip-toe says my body as i make my way out in the hallway.  As i make my way towards the guest bathroom the floor creaks, or so i thought, but it wasnt a creak.. No it was Ava.  She was up making noises.  Once again, i run in and like a kid stealing candy, rob her out of her bed and into my arms quickly and quietly without a peep from Mom.




Once again, the routine.  I rock.  I sing.  Rocky and myself are trying so hard to calm this little "bundle of joy" back to sleep.  I put her down in her crib and put on her little music things.  Suddenly the dark room is filled with strange lights and magical noises.  I almost fell asleep as it was very soothing.  Of course, Ava could give a fuck as she is freaking out because she is not being held.  






It's then i notice something happening.  No.. seriously?  It can't be.  Ava's stomach has had enough and decides to get rid of whatever is in her stomach, but this time out of her mouth.  She spits up making the 3peat; a beautiful blend of stomach and intestinal fluids flowing out all over Daddy in a 3hr period.  Some will say after reading this, just wait until you have all 3 all at once and i will say "Go fuck yourself".  




Something happened with that last spit up. It was if she finally had enough and slept.  Of course I cleaned her up.  It wasn't a lot but enough to seriously almost make me insane.  Seeing her face, however, totally did something.  The tiredness and cursing to God i was doing prior all seemed to go away.  Her face looked like she was miserable and all she wanted was a hug from Daddy.  It was at that moment that I almost forgot about the 3 hours i had just gone through.  Luckily, she finally passed out and slept for almost 4 hours; almost a new record.  Perhaps, i did something right!  This was my first 3-peat and I survived!
Father of the year


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