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Showing posts from May, 2012

Jesus has returned and is living in our home...

Yes folks.. Jesus has returned and is now living in our home in disguise.  It happened 3 nights ago.  The skies opened.  There was some thunder.  Do you remember?  And apparently an eclipse.  Sometime during this period, Jesus came down from the heavenly skies and made his way into our home. 

It started early this week.  For 3 nights, our baby has been "fussy". It starts at 10PM..almost on the dot.  For those who read my prior blogs, 3 Peat and Hiccups = Devil's Whisper, (if you didn't then please read them now.. i promise they are funny), then you will know that our little precious Ava becomes Satan during this time.  For about 3 hours our little Ava is possessed by the unholiest of ghosts.  Her head spins and i believe she grunts out "I HATE YOU" in her little strange noises that come out of her mouth and butt.  During "Satan time" we have been shit on, peed on and spit up on.  I believe our little Ava has been speaking redrum talk under her brea…

The 3-peat - 1 Sh*tty Situation

Last night I personally got to experience what every parent experienced, i can assume,  one time in their life.  I have officially named this the 3-Peat as there is no other way to put it.  Michael Jordan had 2 3-peats as did Kobe Bryant.  But this isn't basketball championships we are talking about here.  No siree.  This is the performance of a little person named Ava who decided to shit, pee and spitup on Daddy all in a 3hr period.. the 3-peat.

Where to begin...

Hiccups = The Devil's Whisper

For an adult, hiccups are annoying.  They come out of nowhere and you usually begin your ritual of cures to get rid of them.  Somehow or another they seem to go away and then do not return for quite some time; sometime even months.

For a baby, especially an infant, they are adorable.  Nothing cuter than watching a newborn bounce up while making a little "meep" noise out of its cute little mouth, right?  No.  The only time this is acceptable is the following situations:

The baby is an infant and literally just came out of mommy's belly to exhibit this cute and funny hiccup routine for the first time.  The baby is not yours.

Breaking News - The Bart's on People Cover

Breaking News:  Rose and Danny showcase their first baby pics to People magazine.  Word on the street is People paid a hefty amount of money for this cover shot.  

"Brangelina can suck it!", says Danny Bart.  Check it out: also got a sneak peak of Daddy Bart strolling his baby around on her first baby walk!

Check out Trials and Tribulations of a New Father!!

Birds are Dicks!

After my first week of being a father i can say that it truly is life changing and a remarkable feeling.  To know that my wife and i created life is mind boggling.. and for those who know me.. fcking scary!  I would like to say that our first full week of being home alone with the baby has been interesting. We were very lucky with our little Ava as for the first few days only made a whimper when she was hungry.  Well, somehow, that has all changed.. but thats another blog.  This blog is all about birds!!

8 Jobs I DONT Want My Daughter To Have

Now that my little munchkin is a week old i think about how quick the time has gone.  Before long she will be walking and talking, throwing up all over me, pooping on the potty instead of Daddy's hands when changing diaper, playing with my iPhone, eating everything that goes near her mouth (watch it!), having nightmares and running into Mommy and Daddy's room in the middle of the night scaring the shit out of us, leaving us for Kindergarten then grade school, playing an instrument that she doesn't want to play, getting sent to the principles office because she is like her Daddy,

The Barts - Ava Rose Comes Home

Coming to a TV near you..  
THE BARTS - Ava Rose Comes Home

The Breast Situation

The Breast Situation I can get VERY personal here but for marriage and personal safety i will not. I will simply say that my wife is "attempting" breast feeding and so far it has been very very interesting.  To start, immediately getting in our new room a couple hours after her surgery in the hospital, we had several nurses attacking Rose's watermelons.  I say this in a pleasant way because they are monstrous.. like porn star good.  Any other day i would be excited to see nurses grabbing and squeezing my wife's breasts but I dont know.  I think seeing the baby being born.. the blood.. the placenta and many other things sort of made me a little grown up. Ok.. i wont lie.. i got a little "movement" in the first few minutes of seeing 3 woman in action on my wife's breast but once the baby's head went near it things went south if you know what i mean..wink wink.  

My Rollercoaster of Emotions Pregnancy Experience

On Friday, May 4 @ 2:18PM we welcomed little Ava Rose Bartosiewicz into this world.  The below is a broken up description as to what we went through to get where we are today.  With all so much going on, the blog is broken up over a few days.  The first day is the most emotional as it was less than 24 hours.  Everything after is me realizing that Im still the ass i was the day before she was born. 

BREAKING NEWS: Nutley, NJ Mom puts 5yr old in tanning booth.

This just in.. actually yesterday but i was busy.. 

Nutley NJ, the place i reside,  makes headline news ... Thanks Patricia Krentcil!! This is AWESOME!!!!